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I Need Some Help

It would mean the absolute world to me if some of you could donate, or st the very least spread the word. No one took pictures except the photographers and I desperately want to see them.

So, please. Please, please, pretty please.

https://m.gofund.me/jnvqppwc

Brad tells me tonight that he’s not considering suicide but he keeps imagining it.
On the same night I started cutting myself again.
And I start to wonder: how broken can two people be before they start falling apart?

My Heart Broke

Tasselin told me a minute ago as she laid down to go to sleep: Mommy, I feel like you would just leave the house and never come back because you didn’t want me.

She wouldn’t look at me. I told her it wasn’t true and that I loved her, but she just said it was true and went back to her iPad.

I can’t even really argue with her because it’s actually true. And so my heart broke. And the floodgates opened. And I don’t know if I’ll be okay.

I don’t want to talk about how it’s been 4 and a half months since my last true update.
My life is a mess…

Brad and I did get moved into the apartment in New Castle. We hired movers for two hours (all we could afford, and we couldn’t even afford that) to get the big stuff that was too much for Brad and I to do alone in Wilmerding and then Phil helped us a little bit when he got off work. My mom, the kids, Brad’s mom, Brad’s grandma, Jack, and Morgan all helped us in New Castle. Morgan says she will never ever again help anyone move because that was the worst experience of her life. We had to go back the next day with our car, my mom’s van, and Brad’s mom’s car to pack up most of everything else. And then the following day Brad went back by himself to get the rest in my mom’s van. We ended up leaving a bunch of stuff behind because we couldn’t fit it and didn’t want to go back again. Moving is horrifying. It took us three weeks to fully unpack which drove me completely insane. I needed Brad’s help for a lot of it and he basically refused saying that it didn’t need to be done right away. The mess made me insane. I finally convinced him when everyone was coming over for the Meet and Greet for the wedding. The only two who didn’t show up was Aurielle (because she was three hours away and had to work) and Steve (who ended up having to be a Bridesmaid after Alex said she wouldn’t be able to make it; because he was at another wedding). The night before the boys had their Bachelor party so Ashley ended spending the night at my house and I invited Morgan over to hang out too. Morgan got sicker than a dog and ended up puking half the night and her mom came and got her at like two in the morning. The boys came home in the morning and Brad was hungover and sick from drinking too much so I had to take care of him while also trying to finish cleaning up the house and getting stuff ready for the evening. I had to go get Shiloh from my mom’s house and pick up soda and booze at some point too. By the time the Meet and Greet actually started I was tired of everything. I ended up in the kitchen most of the night baking and cooking, so Morgan and Brittney and Ashley kept me company and we played Rummy on the floor while the everyone else played actual board games in the dining room. Then we all ate, played more games, no one really drank except Shiloh who ended up puking all over Tasselin’s room and I had to clean it up and take care of him. So for three days in a row I took care of sickened drunk people and I hated the weekend. After that it was only a couple weeks until the wedding and that time is mostly a blur. Trying to get everything ready was crazy and I cried over really stupid things (like when we went to go get our eyebrows waxed and the lady offered to clean up Brad’s hair so I said sure and then was on the phone with the venue and she gave him a buzz cut). Morgan and Brittney saved me a few times by helping me with wedding nonsense like painting the cups that were going on the tables. The actual wedding itself was a complete wreck. Really the only thing that went right was the fact that we got married, but that’s what was the most important thing so I guess it could have been worse. (Seriously, it was truly awful and I still tear up about it whenever I think of it). Among other things to go wrong the only person I ever talked to at Aspen apparently got fired and everything I had talked to her about got lost in translation, we didn’t have a sound system to play music so we just had to use the speakers on my computer which didn’t really work, Brad’s mom couldn’t pay the photographers so when they showed up and took pictures they cornered me for money (so we had to use all the money we got from people as wedding presents to pay the deposit and which almost 5 months later I still can’t afford to pay the other half), Josh didn’t play guitar as I ‘walked down the aisle’, Steve didn’t show up to the wedding so I was one Bridesmaid short, we almost forgot to pick up the flowers and they gave the mothers bouquets instead of the corsages I ordered, the wedding itself started late, I had to clean up my own reception, etc etc etc. Blah blah blah. I don’t want to talk about it. On the plus side, Brad’s mom did get one nice picture of us so that’s cool.

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We didn’t get to go on a Honeymoon. Or even a weekend away so that really, really sucked. After the wedding Tasselin moved in with us. Which even four months later is still a hassle sometimes. She gets mad about the rules she has here versus what my parents let her get away with at their house. She also can’t seem to be left alone and refuses to play by herself, which is something we’re working on but I don’t see it happening any time soon. For a while there my parents were taking her every Friday night to spend the night so Brad and I were having date night, but the holidays kind of ruined that. (I’ll get there). My mom typically also picks Tasselin up on Wednesday evenings to take her to Awana (which is a Bible Study thing for children at a church) so Brad and I have been using that night to run a Pathfinder campaign for the two of us. It’s a little more convenient living in New Castle when it comes to daycare and babysitting and when Tasselin gets too much for me to pawn her off. But I still hate it here. Although I really do like this apartment.

Anyway.

With the move and everything I had to find a new job because MedSave wasn’t scheduling me any hours (in a month I work 23 hours total) and I couldn’t live off that. So eventually I found this job with UPMC. However it was an hour drive one way and it was boring and I didn’t really like it. But I stuck with it. The manager moved me to a different office a little closer (45 minutes now) doing chart prep instead of scanning and I really liked it there. Then she moved me to a different office again on the other side of town doing chart prep for both offices. And I fucking hated that office. So much so that I had a mental breakdown and couldn’t force myself to go to work anymore and cried for a full day while laying in bed doing nothing. I lost that job, although they did try to contact me several times seemingly very worried. After that I went to the doctor’s and got myself on some antidepressants. I also got some numbers and things for a therapist again, but have yet to go because I can’t afford it. The medicine doesn’t really seem to be working for me. I seem to have leveled off and I’ve been incredibly down these last couple weeks so I’ll have to go back in and see if I can get this upped or something else. So, without a job we weren’t doing so hot again (are we ever, really?). I eventually found a job working at Dunkin Donuts and started training the same week that I started watching the three kids at my parent’s house while they were on vacation to Hawaii. I don’t want to talk about that two weeks because it was just plain horrifying and I’m honestly trying to block it from my memory. I’ve been working at Dunkin Donuts ever since then and I honestly really like it. I complain about it a bit because it causes me a lot of pain (mostly physical as I’ve burnt my hand badly and also many small times, I currently have a horribly bruised leg from falling on it in the back room, my feet kill me every day and I break a little getting up after siting down for a while now and a bunch of other stories), but I love the people I work with and I’ve learned that makes all the difference in the world. My goal for this job is to be wonderful and because a shift leader in the near future and earn some decent raises. Everyone has been telling me that I’m doing a good job so I think I’m on the right track. Brad’s grandma has cancer. She became completely jaundice one day and when they took her to the hospital they found out she had a tumor in her liver and that’s what was causing it. She’s been going to chemo and a bunch of doctor’s appointments. Everyone is very optimistic that in February when her treatments are done they will be able to do the surgery to remove it and everything will be good. She recently lost her hair, though I haven’t been over there yet to see it. She’s a fighter though so I’m sure she can beat this. Anne and her got matching rings to wear with the ribbon for her cancer on it and now they post a lot of cancer awareness things on Facebook. Sometimes that’s what it takes to actually think about things like this. It doesn’t just happen to other people you know.

Thanksgiving is mostly a blur. We visited my parent’s house for a minute (where I snacked on everything they had) and then had dinner at Brad’s grandma’s house. I can’t remember if Tasselin came with us or stayed at my parent’s house, but I think she stayed with them and we picked her up later. I didn’t have to work that day, so that was nice. I had my mom take Tasselin for a few days before Christmas so I could go to Pittsburgh and wrap Shiloh’s presents, pick up Tasselin’s Christmas layaway from Toys R Us and wrap our presents and hang out with some friends (which Brad did too). Actually, since we moved to New Castle we now hang out with more friends than we did in Wilmerding, I think. Brad and I take turns having friends over and it seems to go pretty well. I’m quite enjoying having friends of my own and not just piggybacking friends of Brad. It’s truly wonderful. Christmas Eve I had to work and when I got home my parents came over to hang out for a bit. We put on a Christmas movie for the kids and had a whole spread of things to eat (a holiday tradition from my side of the family where we just put out platters of food instead of making a big meal and it’s free game). They stayed for a couple hours and we opened some presents up. My parents got us a coffee maker, a crockpot, and a $50 giftcard to Outback for date night. They got Brad the DS game he’s been wanting. They got me a great new pair of snow boots. It was actually pretty nice. Tasselin of course was very excited until it came to bedtime. On the plus side though she was so exhausted she fell asleep at like 9pm and Brad and I rushed to put all the Santa presents out so that we could go to bed too. She didn’t even wake up until 8am so that was pretty great. We spent the morning opening up presents (Tasselin wished she had more because she was enjoying opening them so much) and eating and just relaxing. In the afternoon we all got dressed (I did Tasselin’s and my makeup which actually turned out great and I was vary proud of myself) and headed over to my parent’s house where we hung out for a little bit looking at the things the boys got for Christmas (and of course I stuffed my face). After a while we headed over to Brad’s grandma’s house where we had lunch/dinner together and then opened up presents with them (Tasselin was again upset she didn’t have more to open so I let her open some of mine). Tasselin got a blanket and some candy and a couple toys. Brad and I got a meat and cheese gift and a self-knit blanket, with some candy. The day itself was quite wonderful. Then New Year’s Eve came around and my mom decided she wanted to watch Tasselin for the night so Brad took me to work and then dropped her off later. After he picked me up he left to go to a party at a friend’s house in Pittsburgh, but I had to work New Year’s Day so I stayed home. With the house to myself I gave myself a haircut, bleached my hair, and then proceeded to dye it six different colors. It took me four and a half hours to do all that, but it was worth it. It turned out really nice (even if I did pretty much destroy my bathroom as it looks like a rainbow exploded in there).

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In between all that I watched a few shows on Netflix and drank some wine (I finally found one that I like!). Afterwards I took a bath and then proceeded to head to bed. But then I realized it was already almost 11:30 so I just stayed up the little of time to wish Brad a Happy New Year. Work sucked the next day as it dragged in the early morning and then exploded mid morning, but we survived. It’s really only been a little over a week since then and not too much else has happened. My mom got a five month old baby girl for a week for respite who I’m in love with (seriously, I nearly cried when I had to leave her the day I met her and begged Brad to have a baby with me, but he’s too responsible for that). Tasselin still tends to be a little rotten from time to time, but she’s getting a little better. She’s learning the rules at our house. She still refuses to play by herself though and barely spends any time in her room. Since we’re finally past the holidays Brad and I decided we need to start weening her off of her blankie so it’s not as big of a deal when she starts kindergarten (wish us luck). We’ve already started weening her off the iPad at night and I think that’s been going pretty well. I gave her a haircut (almost half her hair is gone now) and she loves it. She wanted me to dye her hair like mine, but she’s a little too little for that yet.Work is going well, but I really need to get a raise soon. Brad and I are still way behind on so many bills I don’t even know what to do anymore. We haven’t paid rent this month yet or my car payment or any of the utilities and we’re out of money until next week. So there’s that. Hopefully tax return will happen soon and that will save us a little bit because I don’t know what else to do anymore. I’ve been trying to get Brad to start really thinking seriously about what he’s doing. He’s gotten so lazy since he’s been on unemployment. He needs to either find a new job or figure out how to stay on unemployment/have the military help us pay for things while he goes to college. I keep asking him about it but he never has an answer and I’m so afraid he never will. I can’t even think about it because it gives me horrible anxiety. I have to change the subject. I guess we’re pretty much all caught up now. Hopefully I can get a little better at keeping up with this again, but don’t hold your breath.

I don’t make New Year resolutions, but I decided I want this year to be the year where I take better care of myself. Wish me luck.

The walls are talking too loud today

So that was a lot more than I thought I had, but we’ve finally made it through all of it. I didn’t actually read all of it myself while I was copying and pasting, but I will definitely have to do so sooner or later. I did look at a few different things and noticed a couple instances that I didn’t remember so I’m exceptionally curious. So my old blog made it less than a year and then I started this blog on here about 6 months later and it’s been going strong for almost 4 years. Isn’t that nice? :)

Thanks with putting up with all that bullshit I just posted. Here’s a puppy to make you feel better:

youshouldnthave

June 2011

So Brad graduated last Thursday, yay him! I’m so proud :)  I got to talk to him most of last weekend thanks to his mom (he used her phone to text me). And now that he’s in Tech school he gets his cell phone back. Granted, he can’t talk all the time but I’m excited and thankful for the time I do get to talk to him (because lets be honest here, I missed him like crazy). Like all weekend. And Monday. And part of Tuesday. I haven’t head from him in a couple days, but I hope to hear from him soon. He gave me his new address so I’m getting ready to send him the letter I had been writing, his graduation card, his dog tags I was going to give him before Basic, and a picture of Tasselin (whether he likes it or not xD). Hopefully Tech school goes a lot better than Basic for him (he wasn’t a big fan, but then again nobody is really).

.:.

Yesterday my mom and I took Tasselin to Four Seasons, a big flea market over in Ohio. We went to get out of the house, just to go (since I hadn’t been there since before I moved), and to look at the fruits and vegetables (you can usually get great prices there). While we were walking around I saw a sign for a psychic including palm reading. I’ve always wanted to get my palm read, it’s actually on my bucket list. So I told Momma to stop and I paid the five dollars to get my palm read.
She told me I had a long life line, that I’d probably live until around the age of 91. She said I was artistic and creative and had the ability to make things, or even people, beautiful. She said I was a free spirit and got bored easily; that I needed a job that would challenge me, something that involved my creativity, or I wouldn’t last. She said I didn’t believe in a god, but if I did believe it would be a more forgiving god and that I should read the scripture on my own terms and figure it out in my own way and it would make me more spiritual and benefit my life. She said I was destined to spend some time in a city before I moved back to a rural area and that it would lead to success. She said that I would have three children, although I had the sign of the last being t.:.

wins (so, actually having four children). She said when it came to Tasselin’s father, she felt lost, a loss of love. She said he would make a great father some day, but right now he wasn’t ready. And that I needed to spend time away from him and find a more confident man. She said I was a people-pleaser and that I had a lot of meekness to me and that I needed to be more confident. At the end, she said I had one question I could ask. So I asked about our move next year (Daddy finally agreed to move next summer). She said that the move would be successful for me, that it would lead to love and success.
I was so excited about everything that she said. Not only did she definitely get a lot of things right about me, she also predicted a lot of things I’m pleased with. In my opinion it was a great experience. And now I can cross it off my bucket list :)

.:.

So my mom was talking to me about possibly joining the Air Force. She said they usually bend over backwards for people with families, especially single parents. Obviously boot camp and tech school would be kinda hard, but Momma said they’d watch Tasselin for me. It could be a good move, ya know. Stable jobs, benefits, good money, etc. I don’t know. I never liked the military. I always said I would never go into the military. But if it’s the best option, how could I not? Gah.

.:.

My boss, Norma, she said she wants to move out of this cap town too. Actually, she said she’s been trying to move for like five years now but she can’t convince her husband. I told her she should just go anyway. I mean, really. Her husband sucks anyways. He’s always mean to her. She won’t leave him though because she’s afraid his kids (no, they’re not hers) won’t talk to her if they split and she’s real attached to the grandkids. Poor Norma. But hey, at least I’m not the only one who desperately hates this city..

.:.

Here I go, complaining again about my love life…

Some days I’m glad to ‘be’ with Brad, ya know? I have hope for ‘us’ and I’m excited. And then some days I’m just ready to give up. Like, what’s the point? We never see each other (even before he went into boot camp and tech school). We rarely talk anymore (I know he’s in school and whatnot, but he should be able to talk on the weekends and he’s already been on Facebook but didn’t talk to me, instead commented on Becky’s pictures). I don’t know. I know I’m just sitting here complaining, but jeez there’s something wrong with me. Stay? Go? *’Should I Stay or Should I Go’ plays in the background* I might be a mother, but I’m still a teenager. I’m still not that grown up. Ever get that feeling that you’re just meant for something? Yeah, well, I feel like I’m meant to be married and be a mother. Unfortunately, I’m already a mother. So, now I would like a man. Is that so hard?

.:.

So I borrowed my mom’s old wedding ring set. Why? Hopefully to scare away the creeps at work. Think it will work? Well, I guess that depends on just how creepy the guys get. If it doesn’t work I’m definitely going to start carrying a knife around with me.. After I learn how to use it, that is.

.:.

So Monday, June 6th, two days before Tasselin’s scheduled doctor’s visit I get a call at work around eleven saying that Tasselin has been screaming bloody murder ever since I left that morning around nine and nothing was working to calm he down. Well, she had been screaming like this most the time for the past few days off and on like she was hurting or something, she wasn’t sleeping, she was gassy, she was spitting up, refluxing (acid reflux, where it comes back up). So I call the doctor, didn’t hear from someone until almost one asking me if I could come in to see the doctor around three. My boss, Norma, said it was fine if I wanted to leave to take her and if I didn’t come back that was okay too. So I ran up to the house real fast, grabbed Tassy, and ran to the doctors. He said oh she’s probably just having bad gas pains. Give her two or three bottles of Pedelite then put her back on the formula. So I took her home, told Shiloh, texted my mom, and went back to work. So we gave her some Pedelite and my mom went and bought special hypoallergenic formula and we built her back up to the formula (two ounces formula two ounces water, then three to one, then all formula). Boy, was she pleasant after that!

.:.

I am so proud of myself! xD
It wasn’t anything major, really, but I’m just so darn proud of myself. So this lady goes behind the counter where we keep all the high-theft products (medicine, make-up, body wash, deodorant, hair care, etc) she kinda piddles back there for a while and while I’m checking out a customer out of the corner of my eye I see her pick something up but I didn’t see her put it back down and she didn’t have it in her hands when she left. Maybe ten minutes later she comes back to the front to ask if we have any lighter fluid for lighters. When I tell her no, she goes and tells the guy she is with and they start to leave. As they’re getting ready to head out the door I notice stuck in her pants is a thing of eye shadow. I’m like, really? You’re wearing skin-tight pants and you try to steal something by putting it down there? Dumb. Anyways, I stop her and tell her she has to pay for that. She tries to look all innocent and asks pay for what? I point at her and say that, she says what again. So I point to my waist where she has the make-up and say again that. She looks down, tries to act all innocent again, and says oh. She hides her face, gives it to the guy she’s with and tells him to pay for it as she runs out the door. He just sets it on the other counter while I check someone else out and leaves. Go me!

.:.

So, June 8th, Tasselin’s two month mark, she has a doctor’s appointment to go to. My mom took off work to go with me because she has to get four or five shots and just in case I decide I can’t handle it I can stand in the hall. So we go in and she gets weighed and measured: 23 inches long and 9 pounds 12 ounces. Oh. My. Gosh. She’s gotten soo big! I was all proud ^^ And so was the nurse because she finally hit the bottom of the growth chart, yay Tassy! Anyway, they put us in a room where we waited for a good while then went back into the kitchen area for our chatting session with the other mothers. This time it wasn’t with Dr. Papa and it wasn’t very long. Then we were shuffled back into the rooms where the lady saw us. We asked about this horrific looking birthmark she has (which is apparently nothing to worry about and should go away by the age of five), told her about the improvement in behavior (she had been a lot more pleasant after the formula switch), got a script sent over to WIC for the new formula (because that shit is expensive, it’s like $26 a can and that only lasts about 30 bottles which she goes through in about four days), and got her two month look over. She then sent us over to the other room where Tassy got her four shots (which I braved out, stayed in the room, and held he hands) and off we went. We gave her Tylenol before we went and proceeded to give more as often as the box allowed. She actually did pretty well for everything she had to endure.

Oh, and thank goodness she was accepted for Medicaid. I got her on the Gateway health plan, which I hear is extremely good. I got the card right before this visit so I didn’t have to pay the $200 something for the visit and the shots. Waaay too expensive.

.:.

So there’s this guy who comes in from the Mission all the time. Nice, but kinda creepy. The other day at work he followed Mary around the store for about an hour even though she tried to get away from him, someone else tried to rescue he multiple times, and she was down right rude to him. Eventually she faked a call from her mom and brother and bolted out the door. Then he came up to the register and talked to me for almost 45 more minutes before he went looking for her again throughout the store (she was still outside). So I texted her to run because he was looking for her, and she asked me to unlock her car (the keys were in my drawer), so I did, and she hid under he steering wheel until about twenty minutes later when he finally left. Creepiest thing. Then for the next wee he kept calling the store looking for her and me. And he kept stopping in. And then he left a love note for her. Mary was going to call the cops, but Norma called the Mission instead and they said they’d take care of it. If he comes in again though, we’re calling the cops and having him arrested for harassment and getting a restraining order. Poor Mary.

.:.

Yup. Definitely, absolutely, positively, no doubt about it. We’re moving :)  My mom finally convinced my dad to move. She put the house up for sale (we have someone interested already!), started looking for places in the couple different states she wouldn’t mind living in, looking for a new job, and all the jazz. My dad hasn’t made much of an effort but she said if she can’t sell the house or he keeps dragging his feet she’ll leave him here to figure it out and we’ll go ahead and move anyway. I’m in. I don’t care, I want out of here soo badly! I might have to stay with my parents(mom) for a while before I can move out on my own, but that’s okay. She just wants to rent an apartment or small condo first and then move into a smaller house. Good idea, I think. I’m so excited, I can’t wait! This will be great for Tassy and I. Get out of this dump.

.:.

You’ll have to forgive me for one, posting all this stuff at one time, and two, not being able to get on here often. Its hard, ya know? I work a lot. When I’m not I’m running errands or taking care of Tasselin or finally getting an hour or two of sleep. I don’t have time for the internet so much anymore. I get on the computer maybe once a week, if I’m lucky. And all I do is check the notifications on Facebook, check my e-mail on Yahoo!, and check my bank account. That’s it, then I’m off. So you might not get much out of me for a while and then you’ll end up with a stock pile of things, like tonight. But hey, at least I’m still writing when I can, right?

.:.

So my mother’s birthday was on the 7th. She turned 43, yay her! Anyways, on her birthday Shiloh and I threw her a surprise party. I decorated the house with streamers, we blew up balloons and got some helium ones, bought her a cheesecake with enough candles to put 43 on there, bought her these old candy things that she likes and invited the neighbors over. When she came home from work we jumped he and sang happy birthday and we hung out in the dining room and talked and laughed and had a good time. Then on Friday, the 10th, Shiloh and I pulled our money together and bought her tickets to see Micheal Buble (one of he favorite artists) play in Pittsburgh (Shiloh went with her while I stayed home to watch Tassy). She was so surprised (we didn’t tell her) and excited and whatnot. Shiloh said she even cried. And she absolutely loved the concert. So then Saturday night my dad bought her Chinese for dinner since it’s one of her favorite foods. And the gifts just keep on coming! We never make a big deal out of he birthday so we thought we’d do something special for her. Phil Vassar, another singer she likes, is playing at a fair about thirty minutes away from here in July. We’re gonna try to go to that too if we can and say it was part of he birthday too. I’m glad she liked the concert though. And I’m really glad we could finally do something really nice for her birthday :)

.:.

I have a question: how do you know when you’re in love?
Is it just one of those things you’ll know it when you feel it? Is it something that maybe you won’t know until it’s too late? Is there a sign or maybe a few that I could look for to know?
I mean, I’m not sure if I’ve ever really been in love with anyone. Definitely not Tyler or Josh or Tommy. I mean, I loved Tyler like any girl kinda loves her first boyfriend. I loved Josh like a friend and thought he was amazingly sweet. I don’t think I ever really liked Tommy more than just a friend. But I’m wondering if maybe I was in love with Frank? I mean, I suffered the abuse of him leaving and returning only to leave again for years, but still couldn’t wait for him to come back. I thought he was going to die one night and almost completely lost my mind; I stayed up all night until I heard from him. I probably would have even stepped in front of a bullet for him if it meant he’d live on. Is that something like love? I don’t know. Are you really suppose to feel something different or do you just think something different?
And what about Brad? I know I love him like a best friend. But IN love? I mean, I’d do just about anything for him. Bullet, knife, punch, I’d take them all. Go to the ends of the Earth? Sure. But maybe that’s still a best friend thing? Because I’d probably do all that for Sam too and I definitely know I’m not attracted to her.
I dunno. Maybe I’ll figure it out one day, huh?

.:.

Did I tell you I joined a new college?
Well, I did. I got accepted into Penn Foster, an online school, to do Medical Coding and Billing. My mom is actually doing it too, so we can kinda help each other out. I think it’ll work out great because you make like $20 an hour and after a couple years you can just work from home. That’ll be great for Tassy and I, then I won’t have to worry about daycare or anything. They’re giving me around like a year and a half or two years (something like that) to complete it, but I should definitely be done before then. It’s great, it’ll be great for our future.

.:.

So I’ve been debating back and forth, fighting myself about whether or not I should try to stay with Brad. I have come to the conclusion that this isn’t really working out for us. I mean, really. It was great in the beginning, back when I was in Texas and he flew down to see me. And it was still pretty good after I moved down here. Up until about Christmas time, right after we actually started ‘officially’ dating. But then things started getting different and then going downhill. We never even told anyone we were dating, how sad is that? We rarely saw each other (although slightly understandable since we were an hour’s drive away and it was winter in PA with a lot of snow, but still). We always seemed to have sex every time we hung out (not that I’m complaining exactly but ya know, we didn’t have to). And he’s definitely still in love with Becky (they split up a year and a half ago and he’s pretty much still as in love with her as when they were dating; I didn’t expect him to be completely over her, but I didn’t think he’d still be that in love with her). And I’m ready to settle down, move on with my life, go somewhere else. I just don’t think his heart is in it, ya know? But I’m a coward. So instead of waiting to do it in person or even calling him, or even texting him, I’m going to write him a letter I think because I don’t really want an immediate response. Cowardly? Very. But I’m just not good at this kind of stuff..

.:.

So Tasselin has been a little better, but now she’s doing a lot more spitting up and refluxing. So we called the doctor’s office again and told them what was going on (they’re probably getting sick and tired of hearing from us xD). The nurse called back about an hour and a half later and then consulted Dr. Papa and called back twenty minutes after that. They decided to put her on some medicine that will help with the reflux. She has to take 0.5mg four times a day. Poor thing. So we started her on that and she has been so much calmer. She’s not doing so much refluxing. Still spitting up a good amount, but hey, she feels better and that’s all that counts.

.:.

So Tuesday (June 14th) I went to an open interview in New Brighton at McGuire Memorial, a facility for kids and adults with special needs. It’s about a 40 minute drive from my house. I get there barely on time, get started on filling out an application, and this lady walks in to talk to the four of us that has shown up (me, two guys, and a girl; I’m definitely the youngest). She tells us all about the job: working 3pm to 11:30pm, you have two weeks of training before you work where you make eight something an hour, when you start working you make nine something an hour, after 90 days probation you make eleven something an hour, you work so many days one week, so many days the second week, so many days the third week, then you start it back over, if you have to work a holiday you make double pay and a half, there is mandatory overtime and optional overtime, you will be part of a union, you get four or five personal and sick days every year, after working a year you earn a week of paid vacation, you have to get a TB shot done twice, you get full benefits for free for you and your family (husband/wife, children), you’ll be helping this people out, making crafts with them, doing psychical with them, help feeding them, dressing them, changing diapers, etc, etc. We took a tour, filled out more paperwork, and we were done. It was a nice interview. No one asking you a billion questions and making you nervous. And it was right down to the point. And it sounds so good! With all that I could actually afford daycare and a car payment and to move. I was also the only one there who had any experience with this sort of thing (go me for working at Nana’s!). So keeping my fingers crossed. Begging the universe for this opportunity.

.:.

It’s been almost a month since I had my car accident. Did you know that? And the damn insurance company never called me. If I wanted any information I had to call them. I have been fighting and fighting with them trying to figure out what they’re doing with my car. First Gregs wouldn’t release it. Then Nick’s took forever to look it over. They determined that the car had almost $11,000 worth of damage done to it and deemed it a total loss. Then I called the insurance again and she said they’d transfer my stuff to the total loss department and someone from there would give me a call. I waited three business days and called them again. Was put on hold for forty minutes and left a message to be called back. No one called me. So I waited. Still no. So I called again and filed a formal complaint against the company and the guy I talked to insured me that someone would call me back the next day. No one did. So my grandparents called. And then my credit union called them. Finally I guess they told the credit union that they were going to total my car, send the check to my grandparents (since my grandfather was on the lease) and they could give it to the credit union. We’re not sure how much they’re paying for it but if it doesn’t cover the remainder of my loan then I have to take out another loan to pay it off and then pay that off. I pray it covers the whole loan. Right now I’m in a rental, but they’ll want it back soon when they total the car. And if I get this job in New Brighton I definitely need a new car. My dad’s car eats too much gas for that long of a trip.

.:.

So I didn’t get the chance to write and send Brad that letter. Instead, I was telling everything to my coworker, Ally, who stole my phone and texted him:
Hey, I’m just texting to tell you that we are over.
Nice, right? Well when I realized what she texted I slightly freaked out. And then I dreadfully awaited the response. After about two hours when I got off work I texted him again saying:
So, one of the girls I work with, AJ, stole my phone and texted that to you.. But it’s not exactly a false statement. I don’t think we’re working out. We weren’t really even before you left for boot camp and whatnot so that’s not it. But you’re definitely not over Becky and I’m ready to settle and move one. So, I guess this is a goodbye of sorts for us. I’m sorry you got this through a text and not like in person or on the phone. Hopefully also doesn’t affect our friendship. Maybe I can go back to being your wingman :p
And waited. And heard nothing from him. So, still waiting…

.:.

So I went into work on Thursday and John asked me if I was leaving them. I was like, uhm, I’m moving next year, yeah? He said that McGuire had called looking for a reference and that he gave me a really good one (awww [: ). My heart probably skipped a few beats. So I told him yes I was looking around because I needed something that paid a little bit more because diapers and formula were expensive and I was trying to move. He said he definitely understood that (he’s got like five kids between him and his girlfriend). But I guess he told Mary and Norma and Ally. And Mary told me Ally and John wee both freaking out over me possibly leaving them. But Mary stood up for me and told them, hey, if I leave I leave. So, I’m really glad she understands. Is this a good thing? I think so :)

.:.

So, McGuire called yesterday. Guess who got a job offer?
:D :D :D :D
I was so excited (still am!). I called my mom as soon as I got off the phone with her (she was running errands). I have shit ton of things to do in a short amount of time but I can make it happen. The lady told me that I had to get the TB shot done that day around noon. Then on the 20th I have to get my license changed to PA, get my TB shot read before noon, get fingerprinted at the police station (since I had been out of the states in the past two years), and get a pre-employment psychical done. Then on the 24th I had to come in at 10am to get a second TB shot, fill out some paperwork for Human Resources, and get fingerprinted with the FBI. Then on the 27th I would get the second shot read and start my training that week, Monday through Friday, 8am to 3:30pm and then July 5th through the 8th at the same time. And then I’d be working. She heard Tassy fussing on the phone and said that I could bring her to the TB testing, the paperwork, etc, but not to the training or work (obviously). So, yeah. A lot in a little bit of time, but I am super pumped!
Unfortunately I had to break the news to Mary and Norma. But, they offered to keep me on as part time so I can make even more extra money, so, score! :D And, Mary also offered to babysit. Double score!

.:.

I never did hear back from Brad.
So today while I was at work I texted him again saying that I hadn’t heard from him in two weeks and asked him a bunch of questions. He finally responded and told me he was busy and answered a couple of my questions. We talked for a little but but he only gave me short responses and wasn’t even really trying so I stopped texting. I’m not even sure if he got my text about the fact that I was breaking up with him. Or maybe his lack of response was his distaste for me for breaking up with him? I dunno. How can I tell? I guess maybe tomorrow I could just ask him, huh?
But it makes me wonder, if he did get it, did he even care? Maybe he never really thought of as actually dating so it didn’t bother him that I ‘broke it off’. Did you know it’s been eight months since we started this whole thing (October 15th)? Did you know it’s been almost six months since we started ‘dating’ (December 22nd)? More importantly, did he know? What happened to the Brad I knew before, huh? I saved some of the text messages he sent me from way back when. Why? Because they were cute and adorable and I wanted to remember them. Here’s just a few:
I miss sleeping with someone to be with at night
(after the first weekend he spent with me in Texas)
You’re the one I risk death just to talk to 
(what he told me when I scolded him for texting me while driving)
Because I like it when you’re around and wish that we could have time together right now
(when I asked him why he wished I was there)
Rawr <3
Close your eyes and imagine I’m holding you
Only one thing would make it better
Me: What’s that?
Having to look forward to sleeping with you after
I made my wish
Me: What’s that?
You
(about wishing at 11:11pm)
You don’t even know what I’m thinking about
Me: Okay, what are you thinking about?
If I should drop and go to New Castle to see you
(while he was at a Magic tournament)
And like I said, that’s just a few of the things he’s said that I love. What happened to that? I mean, we use to stay up forever talking about complete nonsense every day. And down in Texas, when he went to bed for the night I texted him while he was sleeping so he had something to wake up to. And when he woke up early for work he texted me while I was sleeping so I had something to wake up to. When we visited me down there we mostly just goofed off. We had a water fight. He chased me around the house with cold things from the freezer and fridge because he knew I hated cold things. We wrestled on my bed. We laid down and talked for like three hours about a lot of different subjects, most of which were really important and serious. He chased me in the parking lot on the way to see a movie. He cut me up a lemon when I had morning sickness. He was sweet and funny and crazy . We use to be silly. We did a little bit of that after I moved up here, but not much. We lost something. Did you know we use to say rawr to each other all the time? Especially after I told him it meant ‘I love you’ in dinosaur. If I said it first he said it back with a smiley face. And if he said it first I said it back with a heart. And the one time I forgot to put a heart he asked me where it was at and why didn’t I put it. And he asked me once if I had wished that he was the father of Tasselin. I said kinda, yeah. He sad that was sad. When I asked him why he said: It’s nice that you would rather have me as the dad but kinda sad because even though I kinda would rather have it that way also it isn’t that way. Maybe he was just being nice, but I cried after he sent that to me. Partially because of hormones. Partially because it was extremely sweet. Especially at that time. What happened to that guy? Like I said, maybe he doesn’t really care. And maybe six or eight months doesn’t really seem like a long time, but it feels like a lifetime to me.
Oh, well. I guess I figure it out soon enough. I’ll just man up and ask him tomorrow or something. That’s the best way to deal with all this, right?

.:.

I’ve been going since 9:30 this morning. Took Tassy and Shiloh out to run errands (Shiloh decided he didn’t want to stay home and watch her, but run with me). We drove up to the DMV to get my license changed over (still got a Texas license, whoops..) but ours and Mercers is closed. The one in New Rochester was open so we drove all the way out there only to find out that apparently PennDOT doesn’t work on Mondays. So I have to go back out Wednesday before work and try to get it changed or something. Went to New Brighton to get my TB test read (look at that, no TB). Stopped in at Subway and got something to eat. Fed Tassy. Drove out to the police barracks in Allequippa to get fingerprinted. Which, by the way, is pretty messy. And the police officer who did it was like a robot. Then went to some weird healthcare facility to get a pre-employment physical (everything checks out a-okay, and I even grew an inch! Finally five feet xD). Had to run to Wal-Mart also to pick up some distilled water to make formula. Shiloh didn’t really do too much. And Tasselin was very, very good (except for maybe an hour and a half after she ate and when I got fingerprinted). She slept mostly the whole entire time (all but three hours from lunch to after the physical) and even slept another half an hour when we got home. Then, about an hour after we get home, Ally calls me. She accidentally left some groceries at Shop-N-Save and wants to know if I could take her down there to pick them up (she doesn’t have a car and that’s an extremely long walk). So I say yes. Hand Tassy off to Shiloh to finish feeding and watch and take Ally out there. For some reason there was a vibe of awkward. Or maybe it was just me. But she did do a lot of babbling. Anyway, by the time I got back home it was six. So I’ve basically been running for about eight hours. Makes for an extremely long day. She’s sleeping now so I’m headed that way. I’ve got some catching up to do

.:.

Also, I have two cards that I’m currently putting up for sale on eBay. One is a foil card of Sorin Markov worth around $30 which is my starting bid price. The other is Sword of War and Peace worth around $25 which is my starting bud price. Hopefully someone jumps on these cards (I even offered free shipping). Or better yet, two people get into a bidding war! I’m thinking this might be a good way to earn some extra cash. Yes? We shall see.

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