Paying bills.

Paying bills sucks.

So does being broke.

And growing up.

Don’t grow up, kids. It’s no fun.

About Last Night

So after my three hour bath, I re-did my whiteboards which took me forty minutes or so (hey, I have three of them, highly detailed and color coated to keep me organized). When I was finally done and cleaning up Brad came upstairs to go to bed. I asked him if he wanted to have sex, bur he said he was too tired so I just cuddled up next to him as he fell asleep. To which he immediately rolled away.

And honestly, I was a little hurt. Not so much about the rolling away since he was asleep and that normal, but the no sex thing. I mean, me wanting to and him not wanting to is normal. But we haven’t seen each other for a week and we had sex ince, half asleep, and the time before was a couple days before he left and only because it was for my birthday and him leaving. (I mean come on, just a year ago we used to have sex at least three times a week and the year before that we used to have sex at least five times a week. What happened to that?!). And I shouldn’t be so uoset. But all I wanted to do this weekend was lay together in bed. Just cuddle. To be close. To be touching. To know he was real and safe and back and mine. But we didn’t. Because he didn’t want to. So I guess I wanted to be close in a different way. But he still didn’t want to. And he barely held me when he went to bed  and I felt unloved and lost and really alone.

It’s pathetic, I know.
And now today I’m grumpy and being a complete and total bitch.


Too many things happened this past month and I don’t have the energy to figure them out and split them up and write them out fully so I figured I’d just summarize and post together, because why not? It’s not like any of this is interesting anyway. But I’ll try to get better at this whole thing (eventually I’ll either mean it or it will actually happen).


Easter weekend we spent in New Castle (big shock, right?). We packed a bag and left after Brad got off work the Saturday before. We stopped by Wal-Mart to pick a few things, stopped by my mom’s house to pick Tasselin up, and ran off to Brad’s grandma’s house for Easter dinner. Tasselin even had her own chair this time. Brad’s mom was supposed to be on a flight, but she was sick so instead she joined us. She bought Tasselin an Easter basket, which she loved, and I let her pig out on some candy (after she at least had a little bit of food). I also found out I totally love the way they make deviled eggs (which is something I’ve hated all my life, so it was great). Tasselin had her iPad with her to help distract her while we talked, but eventually she got restless so we left. Brad just dropped us off because there isn’t really a place for him to sleep at my parent’s house (for multiple reasons including my parents still refuse to let us sleep in the same bed or room even though we’re engaged and because there’s a nurse over for the night so he can’t even sleep on the couch if he wanted to, which of course he didn’t) and ran off to his mom’s house for the night.

Tasselin and I slept in longer than anyone (although I was up half the night because she has Brad’s and my disposition to kick and wiggle and roll and whatnot through the night) so Brad waited until I texted him to come over. Tasselin and I ran around and found her Easter basket and went through it together. She was excited, I was less so. My mom filled the kids’ baskets full of religious candies (chocolate cross, candy crosses in a ‘holy’ egg, a Christian coloring book, etc). Anyway, after that we got dressed and Brad hung out with the dog. Tasselin and I drew some pictures together in between me helping my mom with the lunch while Brad played with the boys. After lunch my mom, Brad and I got the eggs gathered and put candy and money in them and then ran outside to hide them. Each kid had their name egg (with $3 and extra candy) and then 27 other eggs, with their name eggs being hidden the hardest. Chris found his 27 first, Tasselin second, Blake last. Tasselin found her name egg first (because the boys both found it first and kind of hinted her to it), Blake second, and Chris last (with some guidance because it took way too long). We stayed until about 6pm before we gathered our stuff and left. We tried to stop by Brad’s dad’s house to say Happy Easter and try to get his van back, but he was already asleep so we just headed home.

All in all it wasn’t the most awful. However, I definitely realized how different our families are (not that I didn’t know, but I realized in a different way). His family has accepted me from day one, telling me they were so glad I was with Brad and how much they loved me. They always include me in conversations and have continuously make me feel welcomed and invited and loved. My family on the other hand barely talks to Brad when he’s at their house (with the exception of my mom asking a couple questions, sometimes wildly inappropriate). They rarely include him unless I suggest it or do it myself and they have never really told us congratulations or how happy they were for us or that they loved him at all. And that is ridiculously sad in a way that absolutely breaks my heart and soul.

Tasselin’s Birthday and Getting Incredibly Drunk

So April 8th was Tasselin’s 4th birthday. I was home all day with not much to do, but I knew my mom was working and she would be at daycare so I waited until around 5 or 6 to call her. I told her Happy Birthday in which she excitedly told me that she was 4. I told her I knew that and that I was so excited for her and asked how her day was. She said good and then handed the phone off to my mom abruptly ending the call. I told my mom to tell her that I loved her and to tell her Happy Birthday again for me, and we hung up. After that I thought about Tasselin and her age and the way the years went by without her and about her birth and the fact that I wanted another kid so badly that I started bawling uncontrollably. And then I started drinking. Excessively. Brad was worried was about me, but didn’t say much about it. He let me know if I needed anything to holler for him or text him and he repeatedly came up to check on me. I don’t remember much of the night besides the crying, but I guess that’s what I get for the last couple years of not being with her. I hope eventually I’ll learn to forgive myself, but I feel that may still be a few years away.

My Birthday (Or Lack Thereof)

April 11th is of course my birthday. Brad had drill so we couldn’t do anything during the day and we didn’t really have any money so we maxed out our remaining non-maxed-out credit card to go out. We went to Barnes and Noble where we bought a DnD board game. We went to Red Robin where I drank two alcoholic beverages, got my burger and a sundae for free. Then we went to Half Priced Books where we bought a couple $1 mangas and a $5 computer game (which I finally played and liked). And that’s it. Nothing fancy. Nothing special. Nothing much. But what did I really expect? My birthday never turns out really well.

Tasselin’s Birthday Party

The day after my birthday my parents threw a birthday party for Tasselin, and well me. They invited the neighbors, including ones we had never met before. My mom had the audacity to text us and ask us if we decided not to show up while we were on our way there. All because Brad had drill, which she forgot, and we didn’t get there until 6pm. My dad grilled, Tasselin wouldn’t let me be for five seconds, and no one except my parents gave me even a birthday card. Tasselin had a few presents to open, all of which she loved. We didn’t bring any of ours though because we didn’t want to lug them there (and risk ripping the wrapping paper) and then lug them back home when she finished opening them so I told her she would get them (and her Easter basket) from our house the next time she stayed over. We didn’t stay long because we didn’t really want to and also because there wasn’t anything to do and also because Tasselin was getting really tired and therefore really grumpy and also because we still needed to drive all the way home and go to sleep to get ready for work the next day.

New Job!

I started my new job at UPMC. Really I spent my whole first day just trying to get things straightened out. They lost my badge, I didn’t park in the employee parking lot because I didn’t know there was one, I had to put in a request for a new badge and for a key to the office, I tried to learn some of the things that needed to be done around the office, etc. It was a very long day. And the second day was just as long, really. I was still trying to get the hang of everything and it was a ittle overwhelming. I never worked in a hospital before. And now I was an administrative assistant in the Med Staff Office in a big hospital. It was interesting at least. The other people in the office we nice enough and my manager seems pretty laid back and friendly so hopefully this will be a good job.

Brad’s Deployment

One of the things I hate the absolute most. When Brad has to go away on a deployment. This is technically the only one he’s scheduled for in this year, however he is a secondary for two others. It’s for one week (Saturday morning to Friday afternoon/evening) for his search and rescue training. And god do I have separation issues when it comes to these things. On the plus side it’s not as long as his military deployment to Hawaii (which was for a month) but still. It horribly sucked. Horribly. I never thought I’d be the kind of person that falls apart when their significant other is gone for a few days, but there I was: breaking down over the mere thought, losing myself in the depression that followed his absence, and terrified that he somehow wouldn’t return home.

Watching the Kids

So on the day Brad left for his deployment we got up at 5am so I could drop him off at the base. I wasn’t sure I could let him go, but of course I had to. After that I drove the hour to my parent’s house. They asked if I could watch the children for the weekend so they could get away and I agreed hoping it would take my mind off of Brad. My mom and I went grocery shopping after I got there to get some food while they were away (pizza, hot dogs and marshmallows). My parents left in the afternoon and I let the kids watch and play whatever they wanted. After we had lunch (the pizza) I took them to the park in Boardman to let off some steam and energy. We lasted about an hour and Tasselin crashed on the way back to the house. She didn’t want to get out of the car yet when we got home so I let her sit there while I took my laundry in and started. The boys played outside a lot that day. Eventually for dinner we made a fire and had hot dogs with marshmallows for snack. I let them each have as many marshmallows as they had hot dogs and all the kids ate pretty well. I had the boys take the dog in and out throughout the day and take their showers at night. Once the nurse arrived I made them all go to bed. Blake wasn’t happy about that but he listened. The nurse kept me up and talking for another hour which kind of pissed me off because I was tired as hell. Finally I went upstairs and went to bed in my parent’s bed. I texted Brad throughout the day even though he wasn’t able to respond and cried myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up earlier than I wanted to and let the nurse out. Blake was up and ate breakfast while I was on my phone. Chris got up shortly after that and so did Tasselin but she was still tired and just wanted me so I went back upstairs and took a two hour nap with her. When we got up the boys never let the dog out so I made them do that. We watched TV and played on our iPads/tablets/phones/Wii’s all day. I finished my laundry. The boys played outside. We had leftover pizza for lunch. My parents came home around two and I left around three. I put my clothes away when I got home and had oreo cookies for dinner. I watched Netflix and narrated my boring life for Brad’s phone via text messages and cried myself to sleep again. And then woke up because I have a hard time sleeping when Brad isn’t here, so I cuddled with his jacket and tried to will myself asleep.

Week of Work and Without Brad

And that’s how my week went. I tried to sleep, but didn’t really. I went to work and learned new things and suffered through it. I texted Brad a million times through the day and talked to him for a couple hours at night when he was allowed before we went to sleep and then texted him a million times after he went to bed. I didn’t eat right (cookies for dinner almost every night). I didn’t sleep much at all. Rinse and repeat every day of the week. I learned that my manager Tina is nice but scatter brained. I learned that Marcy has a really big mouth and talks all day and loves to keep talking. I learned that although Yvette is mostly nice she is also one of those shove-my-religion-down-your-throat type of born-again Christians that I can’t stand. I also learned that all of them hate their jobs to the degree that I did when I worked at Brightstar and I can’t help them as much as I would like to be able to. I also was reminded of the fact that I am a huge whimp and can’t be without Brad for more than just a work day.

Brad’s Return

Brad returned from his week away this Friday. I got off work at noon to surprise him at home (although it turns out I had misunderstood what time he was coming home and was there WAY too early, seeing as he didn’t get home until 6). I had to walk 25 minutes in my snow boots along a non-existent and very unsafe sidewalk where I nearly got hit by three different cars. I got home and cleaned up and waited around in a short shirt and a cami to tackle him the moment he walked through the door. Jared stopped by to yell at Brad to go to Quest, but I told of his deployment and he let it slide. We talked for about ten minutes before he had to get back to work. And finally  Brad showed up. I ran down the stairs and hugged him for a while, but he had to pee so I let him go. I followed him around like a lost puppy and couldn’t stop touching him (hugging him or holding his hand or arm, etc). Eventually we settled down a bit and he told me about his week. He actually had a lot of fun (which I slightly resented) and got a ton of compliments on his performance throughout the week. His colonel apparently loves him and talked to him about getting his next rank, which Brad has tried to do the last two drills but no one would help him. His colonel told him that this next drill if he still couldn’t get anyone to help him to come directly to him and he would take care of it. After we talked for a while we ordered food and he got on his computer for a while. After the food came we watched some TV and then a movie together and then he was so exhausted that we went to sleep. And then in the middle of the night I woke up to him wanting to have sex, so we did. Honestly it’s one of the best sex we ever had. It was so, I don’t know how to describe it, passionate and urgent? I think that’s the best I’ll get. The kissing was amazing and he was so into it that we didn’t even take off our underwear, he just moved them both aside and we did it like that. Wonderful, actually. And then we cuddled into sleep, which was the perfect way to end the night.

Saturday we just hung out at the house all day. I left the weekend plans up to him and he didnt’ really want to do anything so we didn’t. I brought my laptop downstairs and we played video games (not the same one) together. He took a bath and then we continued playing. We ate our leftovers from the night before while watching another movie. And then I watched TV upstairs while he watched stuff on his computer downstairs. Eventually he came up and we both went to sleep. Just a nice and relaxing day.

Today we didn’t do too much either. We hung out in the morning, I watched him play some games and we read a little bit of some new Pathfinder classes. We went to go see the movie Unfriended, which was good but I should have waited to watch it not in theaters because I’m not good with scary movies. Which means we ate popcorn and candy with some soda for lunch. We walked around the mall a little and Brad bought new headphones for his computer from Gamestop. Then we stopped by the ATM so we could get him some food money for work for the next two weeks and grabbed a couple groceries at Wal-Mart. After we came home he worked on some of his Pathfinder stuff while I went upstairs and ate some ice cream like a pig and watched some Netflix. Then I got into a depressive mood in which I worried about the bills and money and loathed my Facebook profile (and the magazines we saw at Wal-Mart) over people with babies. I don’t know why all of a sudden I have this horrible urge to want to have a baby, but this has been a month or so now I can’t seem to get over it. So I fell into a small depression and went downstairs to hug Brad. He then drew me a bath, which is where I’ve been for the last, oh I don’t know, three hours? Did a couple things online, watched a few episodes of Malcolm in the Middle on my phone, and have been writing this for god only knows how long. My feet are raisins, which I hate, but hey I got this all out so I guess that’s a plus. The water is freezing and I need to get out so I guess this is it.

Hopefully May comes along a lot better for us and I get over this baby craze. Wish us luck and good will and good things, okay? We always need it.

I finally got a call back from UPMC (after waiting around for weeks without any leads or hope) and accepted a position with them! Apparently I’ll be working at Magee in Oakland (without any interview, huzzah!) as an administrative assistant from 8a-4:30p Monday through Friday for $15 an hour! Not only will I always know my schedule (times and place), I’ll also be getting more money (in which my contact at UPMC told me there are very rarely any jobs paying so high to start and as temporary work)! You have absolutely no idea how excited I am about this! I could cry and dance and throw a party and throw up and just be happy!

I did let them know I would like to give MedSave a two weeks notice, so I won’t start until April 16th (if they start me on a Thursday that is; and coincidentally Ashley told me that is the last day of the current project so it works out. Although she was hoping to continue to keep me on for the next project she wished me luck and told her to her know if there are any changes). My contact tells me she will email me a copy of everything she told me on the phone as well as the job duties and address and anything else I can expect.

I can’t wait!
(Here’s a good start to that whole catching up, saving up plan!)

So this past weekend my mom, Brad, and I decided that it would be a good idea to take all the kids out on Sunday and go to the Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium and Chuck E Cheese on behalf of Tasselin’s birthday. Because, why not?

So on Sunday Brad and I met my parents and the kids at the entrance to the zoo. My dad was gracious enough to buy our tickets (and a year long family pass with extra tickets for us or nurses or whomever to go too). Not all of the animals were out thanks to the weather actually still being pretty chilly (I think it was in the mid 30’s the whole time we were there), but Brad and I did get a lot of very nice pictures throughout it (I focused more on Tasselin and the kids looking at the animals, he focused practically just on the animals, although his pictures were very beautiful). My dad and I took turns carrying Tasselin because she’s spoiled and didn’t want to walk. Although I did feel bad for her because the only animal she really wanted to see (the giraffes) weren’t out. Also, my dad totally complained through the whole thing about how awful this zoo and aquarium was especially compared to the one in Chattanooga, which does tend to spoil the mood. We ended up spending about two and half hours there (lots of exercise!) until everyone was complaining too much about being hungry.

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Brad and I took Tasselin in our car and met everyone over at Chuck E Cheese. The kids had no clue and were completely excited. I happened to have some coupons from the newspaper for it (basically just saving like five dollars) for two pizzas and 100 tokens. We gave the boys each 30 and Tasselin 40, since it was for her birthday afterall. The kids were allowed to play while waiting for the pizza to show up and then again after they ate. My dad doesn’t do well with places like this where the parents just let their children run amok (especially since there was an actual birthday party going on) so we didn’t stay very long (only about an hour). The kids each turned their tickets in and got a couple prizes and any remaining tokens were given to me to keep to take Tasselin back with at some later date (maybe the weekend I have her by myself coming up?). And then we left and parted ways. Tasselin, Blake, and Chris all seemed to have fun so I hope it was great for them. And I hope Tasselin liked the fact that we did all that for her.

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A Weird Feeling

Yesterday I had this really weird and strange new feeling that I just couldn’t get rid of.

It’s like all of a sudden I wanted a baby so badly that it was killing me on the inside. I had this huge gaping hole inside my chest, this agonizing horrific pain, this terribly nagging feeling that nearly crippled me over the fact that I wasn’t trying, wasn’t pregnant, didn’t have a new baby. I thought I might die on the spot when it came over me. I was three seconds away from either raping Brad and attempting to impregnat myself or three seconds away from bawling my eyes out and stabbing myself in the leg with something because maybe the physical pain would take away from the -hopefully- imaginary pain. Awful. Just awful.

I told Brad about it a little later, but he didn’t have anything helpful to say or add or whatever (who could blame him?). Then it took all I had last night not to try and have sex with him, when after he fell asleep he kept pulling me closer and holding me tighter.

I feel a little better today, but not really enough. I just want a baby.

So after I took Tasselin back to my parents house the last time we had her my dad sat everyone (Brad, my mom, himself, and I) down and had a discussion involving the plans for her. We had just started the every weekend with her and I guess my dad wasn’t quite ready for that. He explained to us that daycare was horribly expensive (not that we didn’t already know that) and with the wedding coming up we would have a lot of expenses and no time and a lot of extra stress and we were also planning on moving to Tennessee soon and that’s also a lot of extra stress and expenses and with her gone every weekend he didn’t get to see her, etc, and really it would just be in the best interest of everyone if we went back to every other weekend and didn’t get her full time until after the wedding in November when Brad is off for the winter. He brought up a couple good and valid points that Brad and I had been considering so we agreed to wait. We decided that we would go back to every other weekends (starting towards the end of April thanks to a bunch of family events that we would all be together for anyway) and that we would maybe try a one week a month thing too (but definitely for at least while my mom is out the state mid to late April) and that we would take her full time one to two weeks after the wedding (and then of course it would be for like three weeks and then they would watch her for the week, week and a half, that we’re on our honeymoon). So we think this plan might be okay. I guess all we can do is see how it goes, you know? I feel weird to keep pushing it back farther and farther, but with us barely on our feet as it is (with Brad just barely starting back to work without a full paycheck yet and with me working 0-10 hours weekly and a month behind on all our bills again at least and without a savings account) maybe it is really for the best. This gives us time to catch up, save up, deal with the wedding, and get settled without having to jostle her too much. Plus it gives my dad the chance to actually see her for more than a couple hours once a week, maybe.


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