So little munchkin inside me has decided she likes moving around :) Which I halfway enjoy (I love feeling her move but at the same time she could be more gentle xD). Anyways, so my mom has been absolutely dying to feel her move. The other night she put her face to my stomach and told her to wake up, Nene wanted to feel her move. It was quite funny and weird and adorable. However, you haven’t been able to feel her on the outside. The other day I was standing next to her while she was on the computer and little Missy started kicking. I put my hand there and lo and behold you could feel her! So I grabbed my mom’s hand real fast and put it against my tummy. As soon as I did, she stopped kicking. That’s happened twice now. And now I can’t even get my hand there fast enough to feel her. She’s such a little tease! My mom hasn’t given up hope yet. And hopefully she’ll be nice and let her feel her kicking soon.
I’m glad my mom’s so excited to be a grandma. I have no idea how my dad feels about it. He avoids that topic with me. Which is fine. Because it would be kind of awkward to talk about. But still. Ah, well. Guess it really doesn’t matter.
Soo guess who was texting me the other day?
Remember how I said I was starting not to care? I guess that’s kinda starting to kick in. Here’s how that conversation went:
Tommy: I miss you D:
Me: Shut up
Tommy: Why? You don’t miss me? We used to talk so much now we never do :( feels like you hate me
Me: I don’t hate you. But I definitely don’t miss you
Tommy: You serious? Am I that bad of a friend you could care less that we never talk?
Me: Yes I’m serious. I never said you were a bad friend
Tommy: … Then do you just not like me then?
Me: I never said that either
Tommy: Your actions did
Me: Take it as you will
Haven’t heard from him since. Kind of mean, yes. Though I suppose I could have told him the whole truth (the part about how I wish he would just walk out of my life), that would have been really mean. But that’s the truth. But I’m a little too nice to just out-and-out say that. I should learn to grow a backbone. But like I said, I guess he kinda does have a right to be in her life. I mean, he is her father. Only biologically though. I’m hoping he actually does join the Army like he wants to and that takes him far, far away from me and her. Then there’s not much to worry about. Though if worse comes to worse I could take him to court I suppose. Eight out of ten cases the child goes to the mother so the odds are in my favor. Plus he doesn’t have a job, lives with six other people and a handful of dogs, and has no reliable transportation. That doesn’t look good either. But that’s pretty mean too. Damn me for being so nice -_- It’s okay Shelby, you’ll get through this..
I kinda sorta really miss you :/
(It’s really hard not to)
Actually, I desperately miss you :(
(Sucks to be so close, yet so far away)
Also, I kinda sorta really like you :)
(I don’t want to scare you away)
Truthfully, I kinda sorta really love you <3
(I still don’t particularly know how)
A day of friends and family and joy; a night of parties and hope and chances.
New Year’s Eve is always full of excitement. Except this one, really. But all the holidays of 2010 didn’t seem like much of anything this year. Though I did have a pretty good time. My mom, my dad, Shiloh, and I sat around and played a bunch of games. We started out with Boulderdash (a game where you have to make up an answer and then guess the correct one), went on to Aggravation (sorta like Trouble, except with an actual dice and marble things), then moved on to BS (a card game where you try to bluff your way through the game), Gin Rummy (another card game, you’re trying to get a run or three or four of a kind, you can’t lay your hand down until the end), and Skip-Bo (one more card game where you’re trying to get rid of your pile). Momma won Boulderdash, Shiloh won Aggravation, Daddy won BS, Shiloh didn’t play Gin Rummy which I won, and only Momma and I played Skip-Bo which I also won. I think we probably had the most fun playing Aggravation though. My dad kept teasing my mom because she sent me and Daddy both home twice. When we got down towards the end of the game everyone was just waiting on one number (two people were waiting on a one, one person on a two, and one person on a three). So we kept throwing the die and no one could get their number but was getting everyone’s number. And my dad kept rolling the dice to Shiloh and every time he rolled it that way it always landed on one which is what Shiloh needed. It was funny. When we got tired of playing board and card games, the boys watched tv and Momma and I played online games. When it got close to midnight we all went into the living room to watch the ball drop. Shiloh and I did our customary ginger ale glasses and we all cheered for the New Year. And then we all went to bed.
Addition to my bucket list: be at Times Square for New Year’s Eve. Preferably with a boyfriend/fiance/husband.
The New Year – Parachute
I’m sick of cleaning up the mess you left behind
What a way to start the new year
On my hands and knees cleaning up the dirt and grime
What a way to start the new year
I’m sick of holding both ends of the tightrope
Cause when you fall all that’s left is old high hopes for me
Stretched thin to the end trying to keep it all in
What a way to start the new year
Won’t you say that it’s alright?
Won’t you tell me it’s okay?
Because there’s 364 more days
I might be smiling but you’ll never even hear me say
That I like it in the shadows
Counting down to zero just to start again
Oh what a way to start the new year
Don’t get me wrong, I hate this holiday
What a way to start the new year
On my hands and knees, choosing what I have to say
What a way to start the new year
I never realized it could mean so much
Just to go to bed later when we have to get up all the same,
And we scream and clap for the end of what was and what we’ve become
Won’t you say that it’s alright?
Won’t you tell me it’s okay?
Because we have 364 more days
I might be smiling but you’ll never even hear me say
That I like it in the shadows
Counting down to zero just to start again
Oh what a way to start the new year
Was it really that bad?
And could it be better?
Well, I don’t know, but with you I still have hope
That this could be my year
364 more days, 1 million chances left to find you and to see your face
Making light out of the shadows, finally get to zero
Maybe we’ll both say
364 more days, 1 million chances left to find you and to see your face
Making light out of the shadows, finally get to zero
Maybe we’ll both say
What a way to start the new year
I’ve stopped making New Year’s resolutions for a few years now. Mostly because I never make any worth while, and half the time I forget what I wanted to do. So, scrap that. However, in light of the New Year I’ve decided to try something. Not exactly a New Year’s resolution, but I’m going to try to blog every day. Now that I’m back home I have constant access to the internet and am almost always on the computer. Not saying that I’ll have anything interesting to say everyday. I’ll be kind of like that episode of House where the girl who played Donna in That 70’s Show blogged about everything in her life. I can’t remember why she said she did it, just that you shouldn’t pick and choose what people get to hear or see. So I guess I’m trying this. Wish me luck~
I had the hardest time trying to sleep last night. Not only would my brain not shut itself off, but my little bundle of joy would not stop kicking me. Guess she was just as uncomfortable as I was. My mom got me a body pillow because it’s suppose to be a lifesaver when it comes to being pregnant. Apparently my body doesn’t agree. Thus, a sleepless night.
I had an interview today with Family Dollar. I really like the manager, she’s extremely nice. The interview was pretty short. She didn’t ask very many questions, mostly just about when I could start and told me what I’d be doing. She said two other people were suppose to come in and be interviewed, but that their applications didn’t look very promising. She said she’d call me tonight when they closed around nine and let me know whether or not I got the job… It’s 10:50 now. I’m pretty disappointed. I’m hoping that maybe she just got busy or something and that she’ll call me in the morning. *crosses finger* Here’s hoping.
I got to see Brad today :) It wasn’t for very long. Just about an hour. But still, it was nice. He came to pick up his Xbox 360 (he let me borrow it to play Fable II but I never really got around to it). He also took one of my Magic cards xD But he said he’d give me something else :) And, I got my Christmas present back (you know, that sweatshirt he gave me; I gave it back to him to wear so it’d smell like him again)! Too bad my brothers were hanging around. I was hoping to sneak a kiss <3
I thought with all the pregnancy hormones I’d be all over the charts when it came to my emotions. I figured I’d be crying one second, giggly the next, then steam would be coming out my ears. It doesn’t work like that apparently. Or at least not with me. I do, however, keep getting into these really random giggling fits. Someone says something funny and then all of a sudden I can’t stop laughing. It must be decently funny to watch because everyone else starts up laughing too. The downside of that is it makes it hard to breathe xD The upside though is that I’m usually always happy. Yay happy! Except when I do get sad I can’t seem to cry even though I know I should. I can laugh myself to tears, but I can’t cry when I’m sad. How weird.
You know this whole pregnancy thing? Yeah. I kind of feel like it’s a movie. Like I’m not the one going through it. I’m just watching someone else do it. And I hate to admit this. Really, I do. But I don’t really feel much for my poor little baby right now. Maybe this is some sort of depression thing? Or part of that not really being able to feel thing? Whatever it is, it’s kind of scary. What happens if I don’t feel anything for her after she’s born? I can’t give her up. Knowing I have a baby out there that I’m not raising would kill me. But would that be better for her? Maybe I need some sort of therapy or something. How do I snap to reality?
Remember how I said the manager hadn’t called me last night? She never did. I was waiting on her to call me today too. She never did that either. So I called her. She told me I got the job! :D She said she’d call me later to let me know when I could start. This time she actually called back, around seven. She told me to come in on Friday. I totally can’t wait! I’m only suppose to work three days a week, but they’re 12 hour days (9-9). Kinda sucks, but hey, I get four days off. And she said I most likely won’t work weekends so that’s brilliant. Now I just need to get a couple collared red shirts and khaki pants.
My mom had today off so we ran to Boardman. We went through TJ Max, the mall, and Target. My mom is completely obsessed with going through baby stuff. She’s always talking about cribs and clothes and strollers and carseats and whatnot. I’m glad she’s excited about the baby. Really, I am. But I wish she would just slow down a little bit. Not that there’s really all that much time left. I’m already 23 weeks. I’ve only got 17 weeks left. That’s about four months. It’s all so sudden. Well, not really. But time is passing by way too fast.
I have some terrible news though. Today my mom told me that my brother Timmy won’t be with us much longer. Not like he’s dying or anything like that. Timmy is actually not biologically related to us (neither is Becky, though they are biologically brother and sister). We have guardianship over him and Becky. Well, just him now that Becky is 18. But anyways, his therapist said he wasn’t allowed to be living with us with my baby in the house. There’s a back story behind that of course, but I’m not sure it’s really my place to say anything so I’m not going to. It’s a tough choice for my mom, but she doesn’t want to kick me out of the house or lose her grand-baby. So, Timmy will be moving out of the house to another foster family or maybe a group home. Not sure yet. I fell really terrible about all this. Poor Timmy. Momma hasn’t told him yet. She doesn’t know how to. And she probably won’t tell him until they know for sure where he’s going. I don’t know if she’ll tell Becky right away or whatever. She’ll be really upset. Apparently she told Momma that she wanted to take him if anything should happen. But really she’d just make everything for him worse. She can barely raise herself let alone her brother who has the mentality and social skills of a seven-year-old. The worst part is it’s pretty much all my fault that he’s leaving. That makes me feel even worse. If I had the money to move out, I would. That way he could stay here and I could do whatever. But obviously that’s not going to happen. Poor Timmy :(
When did we stop talking?
We use to talk all day, everyday about nothing at all. Granted we probably did a lot of circling back to old questions (like: what are you doing). But one of us would say something stupid or smart or come up with a question or find a fact or have something happen to them and we would start new conversations. What happened to that? Was the distance just easier? Or did our stress and everyday lives just sky-rocket and start to get in the way?
I’m trying. Really, I am. I have more schemes and plans too. But do you still want to be a part of them? You seem like you do. You still reply to my ‘Rawr <3’ with one of your own and a smile. You do more filling the gap than I do I suppose. But maybe we can meet halfway.
I’m drowning over here you know. I told you I’d probably never tell you when I need help, but it’s easier if I don’t feel like I’m taking up your time or bringing you down. Though I would appreciate it if you could throw me a life preserver, maybe jump in and save me.
And are you sure there’s nothing wrong? This is a two-sided relationship here. If I need to jump in and save you too, I need at least a tiny hint. Or maybe we can just drown together. But I want you to know that I’m always here, okay? Always. No matter what.
I’m soo excited, I finally got a job! Woo~
Nothing major, I just work at the Family Dollar downtown. But I make a little bit above minimum wage and I really like everyone I’ve worked with so far. They’re all very nice. And the manager and assistant manager are both very funny. I’ve worked two days so far: Friday and Saturday. Both nine to five. Friday was mostly just getting me use to the store and what I’d have to do. Saturday was pretty slow because of all the snow we got so I did a lot of stocking. For the most part they left me to myself. The only thing I’ve found that I don’t like too much is the fact that I’m on my feet all day long. It’s kind of a killer. But oh well, I’ll get use to it.
I got my schedule for next week: Wednesday 2-9, Thursday 10-9, Friday 2-9, and Saturday 9-7. I’ll be working a couple long days, but I did ask for the hours so I definitely can’t complain. Though I know I will be tired as hell. Ah, well. I’m just extremely happy I now have a job ^^ Now I don’t have to worry about whether or not I can pay my bills.
I guess I jinxed myself.
Remember how I said I couldn’t cry when I was sad? Yeah, so that kind of changed. I was watching an episode of House yesterday, the one where Amber dies, and I bawled like a baby. I’ve seen the episode before. And yeah, it’s really sad, but I didn’t cry so I know that was the work of hormones. And since then I’ve cried two more times. Though I cried because of the hormones, it was triggered by conversation between Brad and I. Not that he knows I cried at what he said, or that he meant to make me cry. It’s really stupid actually. The first time was yesterday.
I said: I’m semi sorta slightly depressed at the moment.
He replied: Aww just put on your sweatshirt and pretend like I’m there.
How sweet is that? And oh, did I cry! It made me feel better though. And I did put on his sweatshirt and pretend like he was there (good thing I have a good imagination). The second time was earlier today.
I said: Remember how I said running was inevitable for me? Yeah, kinda already ready to run -_-
He replied: Aww why is that? Don’t think of the other people, just look forward to next month when I’ll be here alone
(more scheming between us, I’m coming to spend the night ^^).
I cried at that too. Mostly because I was in such a bad place, I just wanted to pack up and runaway, get out of here and go until I couldn’t go anymore. And then there he was, asking me what was wrong and telling me not to think about anyone but me and him. He’s like the best knight-in-dull-armor in the world :)
And despite the fact that I’ve been getting pretty depressed the last two days, I’m glad I can start crying again. Hopefully though everything will balance out and it won’t be so bad. But at least I have someone there to listen to me and make me feel better.
I had to go to the dentist today for a normal check-up and cleaning. As soon as I got into the room the lady asked me if there were any medical changes they should be aware of. I told her the only medical change that’s happened is the fact that I’m pregnant. To which she kept congratulating me. She started poking and prodding in my mouth and scraping my teeth. Why is it when they’ve got their hands in your mouth they think you can answer questions? She kept asking me about my pregnancy and whatnot, which was kind of annoying since I really couldn’t answer her back, but oh well. Then she started cleaning my teeth. And here’s where the fun begins! I never really liked it when they cleaned my teeth. Mostly because I don’t like weird things in my mouth and it always tasted horrible. I was doing okay when she first started, but about halfway through I could feel my stomach getting upset. As soon as she was done cleaning my teeth I sat straight up in the chair and puked in the little sink thing next to me. Thank goodness I didn’t puke on her. But I still felt bad since I basically just ruined her cleaning. And it was gross. Good news though I have no cavities, I have a wonderful mouth, and a beautiful smile :D
Finally, one of the library functions I want to go to isn’t canceled! Woot!
For the first time since I’ve been home I went down to the library. Today was Beatnik which is like this little cafe thing they have going where they serve food and people can come in and play instruments, sing, read poetry, etc. It’s nice to hear all the really talented and creative people go up there and do their thing. This Beatnik was kind of special because it was Miss Sharon’s (the amazing woman who runs all the teen programs) birthday. They had cake and we sang her happy birthday. I was pretty excited to go down there just because I hadn’t seen anybody in so long, I wanted to say hi. The first person I ran into was Joe the older gentleman security guard who seems to have a crush or something on me. We talked for a little bit, then Mindi (another librarian from the kid/teen section) dragged me into the room we use for Beatnik. Nichole came and talked to me for a bit and Miss Sharon talked to me for a few seconds. Naomi (Miss Sharon’s adorable four-year-old daughter) sat across the table from me and told me a story. She’s getting so big! Jake, Josh, Dana, and Sam were also there but the most I got out of them were a wave and a short hi. Although Dana did come and talk to me for a few minutes and Sam asked me how I had been before I left. I was kind of disappointed. I mean, I at least expected some hugs and how are you’s from everyone. I don’t usually talk to the Kushner’s (three brothers who are amazing at playing different instruments and singing) but the youngest (I call him little Kushner) made sure to tell me hi and goodbye and hope to see you again. I always knew he was my favorite :p (though seriously, he always knew how to make my day at Beatnik; he always made sure to talk to me and I love him for that). I ducked out a little bit early since I was bored and no one would converse with me. It was still nice to see everyone though. Hopefully maybe Otaku on the 24th will be a bit better. Good news though, little Missy seemed to really enjoy the music :)
Today I had a doctor’s appointment at three and an ultrasound at four. Unfortunately, Tommy and his mom wanted to go. And so they went. Tommy, his mom, my mom, and I were suppose to meet up around one and eat lunch, but Tommy’s mom said she wouldn’t get off of work in time so she would just meet us at the hospital. Fine by me, I didn’t want to be around them any more than I had to. Except then they wanted to eat dinner, which my mom agreed to. Blah. Anywho, we got to the the doctor’s at about a quarter to three. They weren’t very busy so we got in right away. Gave them a urine sample, they told me I had to drink some nasty stuff for next time to get my blood taken, asked if we had any questions, and listened to the baby’s heartbeat. Everything was good, didn’t have any questions so we were out of there in no time. Went to the hospital (which is right behind the doctor’s office) to find Tommy and his mom there already (it was about a quarter after three when we got there). His mom seemed sort of pissed that she missed the doctor’s appointment (she thought that was gonna be there, not like they’d be aloud back into the room anyway). Tommy didn’t say much of anything to me, barely even looked at me (probably because the last time we talked he finally figured out that I didn’t like him very much). His mom, on the other hand, would not leave me alone. She kept asking me all kinds of questions, told me all kinds of stories (mostly about when she was pregnant with Tommy or when he was a baby), blah blah blah. It was practically a form of torture. We waited for about a half hour before we were able to get back there (after waiting fifteen minutes to check in since we were so early). They had told me to drink a lot of water before so we’d get a better picture, so by the time we got back there I really had to pee xD A very nice doctor did my ultrasound. He told us everything we were seeing on the screen, everything he was measuring, etc. The unfortunate part was that the machine was broken so we didn’t get any pictures :( Maybe next time (if there is a next time). When we were done both parties just went straight home because the weather was so horrible. Thank goodness! I wouldn’t have lasted through dinner. I don’t know if my mom thought it was awkward or not, but I certainly did (though for all I know I was the only one). Although that might just be due to the fact that I really can’t stand being around them. Is that horrible? Probably. Oh well, it’s the truth.
I love the night. I love nighttime. I love the peacefulness. I’m a night-owl. I do my best work at night. Except now, now nights are pretty much torture. Is it normal to be so depressed when you’re pregnant? It mostly only hits at night. And when it hits, boy, it hits hard.
So today I went back for the first time after three days off. Only my third day of work, but I think I’ve been doing pretty good. Neither Norma nor Mary were there today and I relieved Chrissy, so I got to meet the only two other people who worked there: John and Ally. John doesn’t talk much. Ally talks a lot. They’re kinda like Yin and Yang, they complete each other :p I was actually kinda nervous to go in today because I knew I’d be working with new people, but they’re pretty cool. I still don’t have everything on the cash register down, but I’m getting there. Today was kind of interesting though. Before I took off for dinner, this older creepy biker guy hit on me, kissed my hand, and gave me his number. Then after I got back from dinner, this older creepy homeless drunk guy talked to me for an hour and offered to buy me chocolate. Apparently, I attract old creepy guys -_- Brad thought it was hysterical. Ally and John thought it was kind of funny too and told me it would probably keep happening and often. Yay. Something to look forward to. Ah, well. All-in-all it was a pretty good day. I got to see what closing the store is like since I worked 2-9. I also work tomorrow 10-9, Friday 2-9, and Saturday 9-7. It will be a long week, but it should be good :) Tomorrow it’s only me and John in the store so we shall see how it all goes.
I wish he was here.
He wishes I were there.
It would be brilliant if we could be alone together whenever we wanted.
Something needs to change. And fast.
Today I worked 9-7. About thirty or so minutes before I was suppose to leave a lady came in limping and kinda moaning and smelled horrible. Not exactly uncommon for where I worked and for night drawing close so I didn’t think too much about it. She came back to the register a couple minutes later and asked if I had anything I could put on her leg for burns. I told her not unless she bought something. Then she proceeded to roll up her ‘pants’ (it was actually a sweatshirt) and show me her leg, which happened to be red and burnt with skin peeling off. I told her she should probably go to the hospital. She asked if I could call an ambulance for her. I asked her what happened and she said she was homeless and trying to start a fire when her pants caught on fire and burnt her leg. I got the assistant manager, Mary, and she called up. Fire rescue, a firetruck, and an ambulance came for her. They bandaged her up outside and then took her away in the ambulance. Poor girl. I hope she’ll be okay.
On Sunday (the 16th) we took Shiloh out for his birthday (which is actually the 17th). We decided that it would be fun to be dorks and take him to Chuck E Cheese. So we blindfolded him up real good and drove over to Boardman. We met up with our neighbors the Berkebiles (Diane-mother, Brian-father who was not there, Bri-oldest daughter, and Mel-youngest daughter) there since it was half their idea. Got Shiloh to the door but he didn’t like being blindfolded in the least bit so we went ahead and took it off. He wasn’t exactly surprised or excited per se, but he wasn’t exactly expecting it either. After we got stamped and whatnot, we ordered pizza and get our tokens. Apparently they have a new rule about seating people, so we were lead to a table in the back by all the kiddy games. After we ate we divided up the tokens between us (me, Shiloh, and Timmy), each getting 85, and headed off to play. There were a ton of people there (which I didn’t expect for it being a Sunday around 3) and seven different birthday parties going on. It was kind of a crowded nightmare. There weren’t very many games open or to play. I ended up spending most of my tokens on two of those different drop in a coin and see if you can knock more off type games. I did pretty good when it came to tickets though so I didn’t complain. We only stayed there until about three, but hey at least we had some fun :)
After our adventure at Chuck E Cheese I headed out to Pittsburgh to spend the night with Brad, Becky, and Emily. I told Brad my plans because we’d been kind of scheming it since Friday, but I didn’t let Becky or Emily know. I did tell them before Christmas that I would just randomly drop in now and again hang out or spend the night so at least they can’t say I didn’t warn them. Momma told me to just hop on in Boardman instead of going back through New Castle. It’s a toll road, but I had six bucks so I figured I’d be okay so I hopped on the road. Come to find out the toll between Ohio and Pennsylvania is $4.30. And I knew the other tolls were more than I had. So I had to loop around and head back to New Castle anyway to get more money. I got stopped at a toll coming in to New Castle that thankfully I had my checkbook for because I didn’t have the change. How sad is that though? I had to write a $1.45 check to pay for a toll -_- So I stopped at Wal-Mart, got some money out of the ATM, went to the bathroom, and headed back out. I jammed out to my iPod until I got into Pittsburgh, used my navigation on my phone and got to the apartment no problem. Funny, when I got there Brad came outside. I told him he must be stalking me, but he was actually out there calling his dad when he saw me pull up. Got into the apartment and scared the crap out of Emily on accident. She was back in the bedroom when I came in, talking to Becky who was lying down. She was standing in the doorway and we just waited down the hall until she was done so I could say hi. She happened to turn and look, then did a double-take and jumped like you would not believe xD I felt really bad that I had practically given her a heart attack, but the look on her face was priceless. And it made Brad fall to the floor laughing which was also pretty hysterical. Becky was trying to take a nap so Brad, Emily, and I went into the living room and played a few games. We played a couple games of Clue, tried to play Monopoly but we couldn’t find the chance and community cards so we scraped it, and then played a game of Life. Brad won all the games we played -_- Although I was really close to beating him in Life. Which, in my opinion, was the most fun of the game we played. Mostly because we made more jokes and right as Emily had gained the $100,000 salary card, I swiped it. And then Brad took it from me and poor Emily was stuck with the $30,000 salary card that Brad had originally had. And the darn spinner kept messing up and Brad and Emily were both kicking themselves for not picking the computer career when they had it. After the games we ordered Chinese for dinner (well, except Brad who doesn’t like Chinese so he got chicken nuggets). Becky couldn’t sleep so she came out and joined us for dinner. We ended up watching Chicago via Netflix on the computer. Apparently I was the only one who had seen the whole movie. Mostly we watched it for the songs, not the story so we ended up fast-forwarding through a few parts. After we were done, Brad and I put all the leftovers in the fridge and snuck off to his room. We turned the tv on for background noise and snuck in a few kisses. Emily came by after Becky went to bed so we invited her in and chatted for a while. They mostly talked about Magic cards so I just listened and watched That 70’s Show Feztival that was on. I put on my my pjs a little bit later and pretended to fall asleep, which caused Emily to leave. They decided not to wake me up, just to let me sleep xD Emily went back out into the living room, and Brad went and changed into his pjs. When he came back we got rearranged on the bed (since I had “fallen asleep” the wrong way :p) and did our nightly dance :) Which lasted until about six or so in the morning (when we heard Emily take a shower and go to bed). Brad set his alarm for ten since he had to take Becky to work around twelve. He fell asleep right off the bat, but it took me a while. I was a little upset because after all that he kind of scooted to his edge of the bed like he didn’t want to touch me or something. I mean, it’s kinda like a boiler room in his bedroom since he always keeps his door shut plus everything we were just doing under the covers, but still :/ So during my lack of sleep I watched him sleep. Creepy? Yes, probably. But what else is there to do? Besides, he’s adorable when he sleeps :)
Ten o’clock came way too soon the next morning. And his alarm clock is one of those old fashioned ones with the bells. Which, let me tell you, is a very rude awakening. Especially when you haven’t gotten much sleep. It went off, I jumped, he jumped up to turn it off. I told him five more minutes so he went ahead and went out to the living room. But how can you go back to sleep after that? So I made my way out there too a couple minutes later. Becky was sitting at the computer watching Dr. Who and Brad was standing up behind her watching it. He ran off to go take a shower, so I sat down on the couch and watched it with her. We didn’t really say anything. Except yelling at the stupid people from the show. Emily eventually came out and watched a little bit of it too. Becky got up and got ready when Brad got out and Emily took her spot on the computer. Then they left. So Emily and I talked about a bunch of random stuff ranging from parents, pets, cops, school, etc. After Brad came back I went and took my shower. Come to find out I had actually started bleeding at some point last night. Hopefully nothing to worry about. Plus, I also lactated -_- Fun stuff, right? After I got out, the three of us hung out in the living room for a while, them mostly talking about Magic while I listened. Emily didn’t have any classes and Brad didn’t have work since it was Martin Luther King Jr. day. Then Brad randomly started biting me. Ver nom nom nom is what he kept saying. He bit me twice on the arms and once on the leg. After I escaped that, he bit Emily on the head. Then he locked me in the closet. It doesn’t open from the inside because the doorknob is broken, but thank goodness the light switch is in there since I’m afraid of the dark xD When they finally let me out they attacked me with Nerf guns and we had a war. Which was totally unfair because I didn’t have a gun and they both had big guns that had a ton of ammo. I hid in the bathroom for a little bit, but they finally got in there. Tried to lock myself in each of the bedrooms but couldn’t lock the door fast enough. Ran around the apartment for a while trying to hide, but there’s no place to do it so that didn’t work. I did manage to kidnap Brad’s wallet at one point though :p After the war was over we decided we should probably clean up. You should have seen it. There were darts everywhere! And I do mean everywhere. It took us a while to clean it up but it was worth it. We hung out in the living room for a while again. They showed me a bunch of stuff on the computer. I was going to go home, but decided to stay another night instead after my mom told me I would have to leave like now to avoid freezing rain and ice. Brad decided he wanted Emily and Becky to watch Kick-Ass since they had never seen it (and it’s such a good movie). So we looked up a blockbuster. Brad said if I drove he wouldn’t bite me anymore tonight, so I drove. Come to find out the store is actually closing. They no longer rented anything, you had to buy it. And they were selling all their furniture and stuff too. So he bought it for ten bucks, picked up some soda, and I picked up some candy. By the time we got back Becky was home too. We ordered some pasta and started watching the movie. After it was over and we were done eating, Brad and I put the food away and snuck off to his room again. I watched him play one of his games: Xenosaga. Which, by the way, is pretty cool to watch. There’s like a billion cut scenes in it so it’s kinda like a movie. He had to explain some of the plot to me since I didn’t know what was going on, but it was still fun. Emily and Becky went to bed around ten or so since no one got much sleep the night before. Brad turned off his game and we went out into the living room. We were going to sleep out there and then he’d get up early, but it didn’t really work out that way. Although we did play around for a while and he did dance with me :) we ended up back into his room where he turned the Feztival back on. We did some kissing and messing around and whatnot. I ended up blindfolded by a blanket again. Which I don’t really mind. Another kind of cute thing he decided to do this time was kiss my leg. Made me smile :) And I guess he remembered that I liked the fact that he pushed back my hair and held my face gently because he did a lot of that too. Despite the fact that at first I wasn’t going to do anything but ended up going for it anyways, it was a lot sweeter than most any other time. And he took the time to just sit there and look into my eyes a couple times, which I really liked because I could see how much he cared. We decided to stop around midnight, turned off the tv, and snuggled together. Woke up a few times in the middle of the night to get tangled back up with him. That is my absolute favorite way to sleep ^^
His alarm went off a little bit before six o’clock, since he had to go to work today. He hit snooze a couple times, but eventually got up a little bit after six. He went to take a shower and I went to nap on the couch. He came in right before he left to tell me bye. I told him to have fun at work. He gave me a kiss (which was absolutely freakin’ adorable) and headed out. I’m not sure exactly when I woke back up, but I pretended to be asleep for a while. Emily and Becky had decided last night to go shopping with Josh around downtown until Emily’s class and then again when she got out. Apparently they forgot about me :p Josh came in around nine or so. Becky had already gotten dressed and was eating breakfast. His bus was early. Emily took a shower while Becky showed him a bunch of stuff on the computer. When she got out, I got up and stayed in the bathroom for a little while because I felt sick. I texted Brad since the three of them were ignoring me. I came back into the living room but they continued to ignore me so I just pretended to be busy on my phone and texted Brad and my mom. They eventually left around 11:30. Emily finally asked as they were walking out the door whether or not I wanted to go too (she said she just realized no one asked me which made me laugh). I told her thanks but no thanks I was probably going to be leaving soon. Total lie since I was waiting for Brad to get back. But she said okay and set up a guest account on the computer for me to use. When they left I took a shower, heated up my egg drop soup and ate, and messed around on the computer. I listened to music via Youtube, checked my Facebook, and played FreeCell. I decided to send Brad on a scavenger hunt when he got home so I hid a bunch of little notes and whatnot in his room. When he got back we hung out in the living room, he looked up a bunch of stuff about Magic since there were a bunch of new spoilers. It was actually pretty funny to see what some people had written. He gave me a few kisses and then I headed out. Which is always very depressing, but what can you do?
Well, I’m actually 25 weeks and 3 days now. I’m a little late ^^;
But here’s what my handy dandy book has to say:
The baby now weighs about 1 1/2 pounds and inhales amniotic fluid in preparation for breathing. The ear has developed to the point where the baby recognizes his or her mother’s voice, breathing and heartbeat. About a week ago, rapid eye movement began, an activity associated with dreaming. The baby may have a blink-startle response resulting from sound applied to the mother’s abdomen.
Aww, she’s dreaming now :) And she knows my voice, sweet!
So this morning my mom tells me that the doctor called her (why not me no one knows). Apparently they got the results of my ultrasound back from the hospital and my baby has a cyst in her brain. Now, my mom tells me that it’s normal around this time and most likely it will go away in a couple weeks. But the doctor wants to check it out anyway so I’m scheduled for another ultrasound February 14th (Valentine’s Day, oh the joys -_-). Even though my mom is all nonchalant about it and isn’t worried one bit, I can’t help but worry a little bit. I mean, come on, it’s in her brain! What if it’s something serious? I hope everything is okay :/
That’s exactly what Ally said when she told me she was pregnant at work today. 6 week and 3 days (I think). At least she’s excited about it. She wants a boy really badly (kinda like me). We talked a lot about that today. We went back and forth between symptoms and what helps and what we’ve each had and what we’ve craved, etc etc. It made work a little bit more interesting. And I’m very excited for her :) Two pregos at work now, beware!
I miss Texas.
Really, I do.
Wanna know why?
For one, I really miss the heat right now. And all the stars in the sky. Plus the sound of the howling coyotes. But seriously. I miss being on my own. I miss not having to ask for permission to leave the house or let someone know exactly where I am and who I’m with at all times. I miss not having to tip-toe around the house at night. I miss being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. I miss blasting music at 3am or singing along to Disney movie songs. I miss staying up all night and sleeping half the day. I miss cruising Wichita Falls with the windows down and the stereo blasting. I miss eating what a wanted when I wanted. I miss dancing like a dork in the middle of the living room and not worrying about closing my doors. I miss the fact that Brad and I had more to talk about then. And when he came to visit we had the whole house to ourselves. We didn’t have to worry about anybody coming home or walking in on us or whatever. When we were playful best friends during the day and romantic cuddly lovers at night. When we laid on my bed and talked about a billion different things ranging from silly to serious and it was natural and nice. When we attempted to make dinner and ended up feeding the wolves instead. When we watched a ton of movies while cuddling on the couch and he cut up lemons for me when I felt sick. When he chased me in the mall parking lot on our way to see a movie and it was easier to sleep.
I really, really miss that. All that. I can’t change the past obviously and I’m trying not to regret my decisions or anything, but I kind of wish I hadn’t moved back. Things seemed slightly easier down there. The only good things about being up here are: Brad is much closer and I can see him slightly more often, I have the support of my mom, and I’m away from my grandmother.
Grr. And with all these fucking hormones I have, life isn’t getting any easier. Plus the worries and doubts and blah blah blah too. I just wish it wasn’t so complicated. But I suppose I halfway did it to myself, so I can’t complain.
Damn Tommy. I wish he would just die.
He sent me a message a bit ago.
You probably don’t want to read/hear/see/want anything to do with this but oh well.
I miss you terribly. There isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not thinking about you. Almost every night I fall asleep remembering the time we spent together. I’ve tried many things to move on I’ve tried looking for someone else, I tried just not caring, I tried hating you, I’ve tried ignoring you , forcing thoughts of you out of my mind, and even slapping myself everytime I think about you. At the end of the day there is only 1 person I can think about though regardless of what I do say think how I act or w/e else. Don’t get the point of this message wrong or anything I’m not trying to beg for you to take me back, I’m not asking you to give us another shot, and I’m not trying to make you like me. I am come to terms with the fact you have moved on probably along time ago and I know you more then likely like someone else by now or possibly have even found someone. Hell I even have 2 guesses who you like / would have feelings for or w/e now. Anyways. All I am asking is that we go back to how we were when we first started talking as friends. I miss having fun conversation and looking forward to messages each time i got on myb. I miss the laughs we had talking about random stuff about being kidnapmurderraped and stuff. I doubt you will read this my guess is read the first line and close it… and on the off chance you do read it I highly doubt you will respond to it specially knowing you and your “I don’t wanna talk to this person right now” ways which seems to be where I have been stuck ever since I left Texas. If this is an impossible question let me know and I will give up on all attempts to stay in touch with you except regarding the baby since regardless if you hate me and wish I were dead or however you think of me I refuse to not be a part of her life.
What to do, what to do.. I fucking wish he would just leave me the hell alone. I fucking wish he didn’t want to be in my daughter’s life. If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be in this fucking situation anyways (And don’t you dare tell me it takes two to tango, okay, because that is definitely not my case. Bad things happen sometimes). I’m going to tell him to leave me alone. I don’t care what my mom says. I don’t want him in my life more than I have to have him there. And if that makes me a bad person then let me rot in the hell I don’t believe in for all eternity. Fuck him.
I forgot to mention amidst my drama that Timmy left. On Wednesday actually. He went to some sort of therapy group home. Apparently you’re not allowed to do too much when you first move in and you can’t take much of anything with you. Like your own clothes (except underwear and socks). We don’t know when we can go visit him yet, but as soon as we can I’m sure we will. Hopefully it’s not too extremely depressing for him. I feel pretty bad that he had to leave our house. Especially since it’s halfway my fault (with the baby and everything). But even so, he wouldn’t stop lying and stealing. Momma did everything she could for him, gave everything for him, almost going insane, but he’s not getting any better here. He’s not learning that lying and stealing is wrong. Or that failing three classes is a bad thing. Or getting any better with his conversing skills. He still acts like an eight-year-old. Hopefully he gets better there. I’d like to see him accomplish something great in life. I’m keeping him in my thoughts and wishing him the best. Good luck, bro.
I had an odd dream last night. The first odd thing is that I actually remembered it. That doesn’t seem to happen often, especially nowadays. Anyways, here’s how it went:
Brad hadn’t been texting me in a day or two. I was really pissed off at him for not doing it and decided to be stubborn and not text him until he texted me. I happened to be randomly texting Emily for something to do and she asked me if I had visited him yet. I was confused and asked what she meant. She proceeded to ask if Becky had told me or not and let me know that Brad was in the hospital in a slight coma due to a car accident. I bolted out of my house and drove as fast as I could to the Pittsburgh hospital. I told the nurse and doctor that Brad and I were engaged so that they would let me in, let me stay, and tell me about his condition. They weren’t sure if he was going to wake up, but said it looked promising. He had suffered many injuries, including head trauma, from the accident and had already been through a couple minor surgeries. But they weren’t sure if his memory would be affected or not. I basically lived at the hospital. I left only to go to work and went home only long enough to grab more clothes and whatever else I needed. I brought my computer with me to do schoolwork and I brought books. I talked to Brad all the time while I was there. I told him about my day if I had been gone, I read books to him and the baby, I told him jokes and comics that I read online, kept him up-to-date on everyone else, etc. That went on for about two weeks, I think. When I came back to the hospital one day after work he was awake. The nurses were in a tizzy because he couldn’t remember anything and was lashing out at everyone. So I go in there and he’s sitting on the bed looking like a caged animal ready to bolt. I tell him my name and I tell him how long he’s been in the hospital, why, and his injuries. I tell him about his life: stories when he was little (thanks to his mom and Becky), how and when I met him, things that he’s done, places he’s been, our relationship (starting from when we were just friends all the way up until then), etc. With everything I told him I moved closer and closer to the bed. He never flinched, just stared at me trying to take it all in, trying to remember. When I made it to his bed, when I started running out of things to say, he closed his and he must have got something back because he said my name and told me about some of the things I was forgetting. I nodded my head and gave him a hug, halfway crying, told him I was glad he was back.
It was scary how life-like it all seemed. I woke up and at first didn’t think it was a dream. Hopefully nothing like this really happens. It was pretty horrible the first time around, I don’t think I could go through it in real life. Obviously this doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, but that’s my story for the night.
Now the baby weighs almost 2 pounds and he or she can react to sounds outside the mother’s body. Eyes can now respond to light and the permanent teeth buds are apparent in the gums. Eyelashes and eyebrows are well-formed and the hair on the baby’s head is growing longer.
It’s nice to know that she can now react to sounds outside my body. I started letting her listen to some music tonight. I put headphones on my tummy and made sure it wasn’t too loud. I wonder if she liked it?
Wouldn’t it be creepy if she came out with a full set of teeth? o.O I know it can happen. Hopefully I’ll be lucky and she’ll be normal. Well.. Normal in that sense anyways.
Hair on the baby’s head is growing linger, eh? That’s nice to hear. I’ve been hiccuping a lot randomly (I did before I got pregnant, but not this much as often). According to a few different people if you hiccup a lot during your pregnancy your baby will come out with a head full of hair. I wonder if this will turn out to be true for me.
I was watching her kick and move around earlier. I was lying on my bed when I first started feeling her move around. So I rolled up my shirt. It’s kind of freaky, but really cool to see. I don’t know what she was doing in there, but it looked like she was trying some sort of karate xD She’s stopped moving around so much right now, but now I can’t wait for the next time she does it so that I can see again :)
So today started out as a not-so-great day. I was back to being all depressive and whatnot. Again. For like the millionth time. Seriously, I stayed in bed until noon. I hung out in my room, on my bed all day sorta watching Law & Order: SVU and staring off into space crying at random intervals. Until about five when my mom came home and I started getting ready to go down to the library for Otaku. I started out with the mentality of: just smile and pretend to be happy, say ‘hi’ to everyone, and then you can just stare off into space in your notebook until it’s over. So I get down there, come upstairs, and I run into Jamie and Lisa. Who both seem excited to see me. They give me hugs and ask me how I’m doing and invite over to Dunkin’ Doughnuts but I just came from there so I passed and off they went. I talked to Mindi, one of the librarians, until Sam showed up and I talked to her. We all went into the room where I said hello to Miss Sharon and we claimed our tables and sat down and started talking. After about ten or fifteen minutes everyone else showed up (that would be four new people, Jake, Alan, Mike, Emily, Becky, Brad, and Kristin). Miss Sharon went through the things that needed to be discussed and everyone introduced themselves. We voted to watch this really random anime that seemed to involve Bleach, Sailor Moon, Transformers, Powerpuff Girls, etc. It was absolutely strange with a weird plot, but it was so much fun to make fun of! Not too long after the movie had started, Becky, Emily, and Kristin left to do whatever so it was Sam, Brad, and I at the table. That’s when everything got so much better. We laughed and joked and made fun of the movie and discussed other animes and whatnot. Brad and I threw a Nerf dart at each other and he stole my shoes xD We had a lot of fun. It turned out to be a really great night :)
The baby is now about 15 inches long and weighs about 2 1/2 pounds. With the support of intensive care, a baby born at this stage is capable of breathing air. The brain is developed enough to coordinate rhythmic breathing and regulate body temperature. As the baby continues to gain weight, the sin becomes less wrinkled and more smoothed.
She’s getting so big! ^^ And, boy, is she a restless soul! Holy crap does she love to move. My mom and I were watching t.v. tonight and she got to feel her kicking the whole episode of Bones. And she was (and still is!) still moving around non-stop after that. Momma thinks she’s going to be a hyper little munchkin :)
I wish people would just tell me when they come across my blog. It would really be nice to know. Not that I’d stop writing or try to be more careful with what I say or anything (hey, it’s my blog, I’m going to say what I want to say) but it would just be nice to know that if I do write something about someone I could prepare for the aftermath (sadness, anger, etc). People who I know are reading my blog: Brad. Because I told him about it shortly after I started writing. Becky: she confessed after I confronted her, that’s how she found out about Brad and I. (Presuming) Emily: I don’t know if she reads it, but if Becky knows about it, so does she. (Say so) Kristin: Someone told me that she’s been reading it (two ways she found it: via Facebook or Becky or Emily told her about it. most likely the second one). (Presuming) Tommy: because he told me he guessed that I liked Brad, ‘gut feeling’ he says. Please. No one gets a random ‘gut feeling’ about liking someone. I never talk about him and we don’t talk on Facebook, so, yeah. Plus he said something about me blaming him for being pregnant. I never said anything close to that in all our talks. But here, sure. Maybe people will see this and decide to let me know they’re virtually stalking my life :)
So yesterday I was talking to Brad all day (finally back to our normal texting, hallelujah!) while I was at work. He was at a pre-release for MBS Magic cards which also happened to be a tournament. He was in New Castle for a while after it was over and I was off work so he called me up and asked if I wanted to hang out with him. Dumb question :p So, 8 o’clock at night and I convince my parents to let me leave the house (my mom wasn’t really happy, and my dad was pretty mad) and go to his mom’s house to hang out. Brad, Anne (his mom), Rod (Anne’s boyfriend), and I all hung out in the living room. We ate pizza and talked and joked. Brad started poking me, so Anne started wrestling with him (since I couldn’t). Rod started poking me too and it sorta turned into a war. While Brad and his mom were wrestling around Brad ended up scraping his back against the wall. He tore off some skin along his spine so Anne and I doctored him up with cream and band-aids. There was a slight pause, then Rod out of the blue decided to basically pounce Brad on the couch. He ended up hitting his head off the back of the couch which left a lump and rubbed some of his skin off. Anne made Rod settle down and we just went back to hanging out. It was around 10-10:30 when Anne and Rod went to bed. Brad was freezing (and for once I wasn’t!) so he turned on the fireplace thing and we cuddled under a blanket (well, a Snuggie, but we were using it as a blanket xD). It was really nice though, ya know. We were really sweet. We cuddled and took the time to really look at each other, he did that whole tuck-my-hair-behind-my-ear-and-move-his-hand-along-my-face thing I love and I played with his hair and held his face, we kissed and we joked and it was really nice. We did a little bit more than that too (wink wink, nudge nudge :p). But it was still nice. I had a 1am curfew, so I had to make sure I was home by then. It was a really good night :) Hopefully maybe we can do something like this again
Got to see my first IMAX movie today. Shiloh and I went to the Galleria at the Pittsburgh Mills and saw Tron 3D in IMAX. The movie itself was really good (made both of us want to go see the old one). And IMAX? Well that was pretty epic. The screen takes up your whole line-of-sight so it’s kind of like you’re the only one there. And the 3D glasses for it was more like goggles. The downside, however, was that it sort of gave me motion-sickness halfway through the movie. But it was worth it :) And Shiloh and I got the chance to hang out which was also really nice. We went to Burger King for lunch, then walked around the mall until the movie started, and watched the movie. We didn’t stay after that because there was a winter advisory alert going out and our parents didn’t want us out all night (the movie started at 3:50 and was two hours long). On the way back home Shiloh fell asleep and dumped my soda all over the car xD That was fun to clean up, let me tell you. But it was definitely funny. Poor thing felt really bad for doing it and I felt bad that he felt bad. I mean, it’s just a car, nothing to get upset over, right? Ah, well. Fun times :)
So my Facebook got hacked -_-
I found out about it because they tried to change my contact e-mail address to there’s. I reported it. Changed my e-mail and Facebook passwords. And then I noticed they also put up a few pictures of me.. My guess as to who did it? Tommy. Why? Because that’s the only person I ever sent those pictures to. Idiotic of me, sure. But he (or whomever did it) is a fucking asshole. Hopefully they stay away from me. Raging hormones aren’t exactly a good thing for other people. I’m not as nice as I use to be and I wouldn’t mind beating the crap out of someone :)