The walls are talking too loud today
So that was a lot more than I thought I had, but we’ve finally made it through all of it. I didn’t actually read all of it myself while I was copying and pasting, but I will definitely have to do so sooner or later. I did look at a few different things and noticed a couple instances that I didn’t remember so I’m exceptionally curious. So my old blog made it less than a year and then I started this blog on here about 6 months later and it’s been going strong for almost 4 years. Isn’t that nice? :)
Thanks with putting up with all that bullshit I just posted. Here’s a puppy to make you feel better:
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So Brad graduated last Thursday, yay him! I’m so proud :) I got to talk to him most of last weekend thanks to his mom (he used her phone to text me). And now that he’s in Tech school he gets his cell phone back. Granted, he can’t talk all the time but I’m excited and thankful for the time I do get to talk to him (because lets be honest here, I missed him like crazy). Like all weekend. And Monday. And part of Tuesday. I haven’t head from him in a couple days, but I hope to hear from him soon. He gave me his new address so I’m getting ready to send him the letter I had been writing, his graduation card, his dog tags I was going to give him before Basic, and a picture of Tasselin (whether he likes it or not xD). Hopefully Tech school goes a lot better than Basic for him (he wasn’t a big fan, but then again nobody is really).
Yesterday my mom and I took Tasselin to Four Seasons, a big flea market over in Ohio. We went to get out of the house, just to go (since I hadn’t been there since before I moved), and to look at the fruits and vegetables (you can usually get great prices there). While we were walking around I saw a sign for a psychic including palm reading. I’ve always wanted to get my palm read, it’s actually on my bucket list. So I told Momma to stop and I paid the five dollars to get my palm read.
She told me I had a long life line, that I’d probably live until around the age of 91. She said I was artistic and creative and had the ability to make things, or even people, beautiful. She said I was a free spirit and got bored easily; that I needed a job that would challenge me, something that involved my creativity, or I wouldn’t last. She said I didn’t believe in a god, but if I did believe it would be a more forgiving god and that I should read the scripture on my own terms and figure it out in my own way and it would make me more spiritual and benefit my life. She said I was destined to spend some time in a city before I moved back to a rural area and that it would lead to success. She said that I would have three children, although I had the sign of the last being t.:.
wins (so, actually having four children). She said when it came to Tasselin’s father, she felt lost, a loss of love. She said he would make a great father some day, but right now he wasn’t ready. And that I needed to spend time away from him and find a more confident man. She said I was a people-pleaser and that I had a lot of meekness to me and that I needed to be more confident. At the end, she said I had one question I could ask. So I asked about our move next year (Daddy finally agreed to move next summer). She said that the move would be successful for me, that it would lead to love and success.
I was so excited about everything that she said. Not only did she definitely get a lot of things right about me, she also predicted a lot of things I’m pleased with. In my opinion it was a great experience. And now I can cross it off my bucket list :)
So my mom was talking to me about possibly joining the Air Force. She said they usually bend over backwards for people with families, especially single parents. Obviously boot camp and tech school would be kinda hard, but Momma said they’d watch Tasselin for me. It could be a good move, ya know. Stable jobs, benefits, good money, etc. I don’t know. I never liked the military. I always said I would never go into the military. But if it’s the best option, how could I not? Gah.
My boss, Norma, she said she wants to move out of this cap town too. Actually, she said she’s been trying to move for like five years now but she can’t convince her husband. I told her she should just go anyway. I mean, really. Her husband sucks anyways. He’s always mean to her. She won’t leave him though because she’s afraid his kids (no, they’re not hers) won’t talk to her if they split and she’s real attached to the grandkids. Poor Norma. But hey, at least I’m not the only one who desperately hates this city..
Here I go, complaining again about my love life…
Some days I’m glad to ‘be’ with Brad, ya know? I have hope for ‘us’ and I’m excited. And then some days I’m just ready to give up. Like, what’s the point? We never see each other (even before he went into boot camp and tech school). We rarely talk anymore (I know he’s in school and whatnot, but he should be able to talk on the weekends and he’s already been on Facebook but didn’t talk to me, instead commented on Becky’s pictures). I don’t know. I know I’m just sitting here complaining, but jeez there’s something wrong with me. Stay? Go? *’Should I Stay or Should I Go’ plays in the background* I might be a mother, but I’m still a teenager. I’m still not that grown up. Ever get that feeling that you’re just meant for something? Yeah, well, I feel like I’m meant to be married and be a mother. Unfortunately, I’m already a mother. So, now I would like a man. Is that so hard?
So I borrowed my mom’s old wedding ring set. Why? Hopefully to scare away the creeps at work. Think it will work? Well, I guess that depends on just how creepy the guys get. If it doesn’t work I’m definitely going to start carrying a knife around with me.. After I learn how to use it, that is.
So Monday, June 6th, two days before Tasselin’s scheduled doctor’s visit I get a call at work around eleven saying that Tasselin has been screaming bloody murder ever since I left that morning around nine and nothing was working to calm he down. Well, she had been screaming like this most the time for the past few days off and on like she was hurting or something, she wasn’t sleeping, she was gassy, she was spitting up, refluxing (acid reflux, where it comes back up). So I call the doctor, didn’t hear from someone until almost one asking me if I could come in to see the doctor around three. My boss, Norma, said it was fine if I wanted to leave to take her and if I didn’t come back that was okay too. So I ran up to the house real fast, grabbed Tassy, and ran to the doctors. He said oh she’s probably just having bad gas pains. Give her two or three bottles of Pedelite then put her back on the formula. So I took her home, told Shiloh, texted my mom, and went back to work. So we gave her some Pedelite and my mom went and bought special hypoallergenic formula and we built her back up to the formula (two ounces formula two ounces water, then three to one, then all formula). Boy, was she pleasant after that!
I am so proud of myself! xD
It wasn’t anything major, really, but I’m just so darn proud of myself. So this lady goes behind the counter where we keep all the high-theft products (medicine, make-up, body wash, deodorant, hair care, etc) she kinda piddles back there for a while and while I’m checking out a customer out of the corner of my eye I see her pick something up but I didn’t see her put it back down and she didn’t have it in her hands when she left. Maybe ten minutes later she comes back to the front to ask if we have any lighter fluid for lighters. When I tell her no, she goes and tells the guy she is with and they start to leave. As they’re getting ready to head out the door I notice stuck in her pants is a thing of eye shadow. I’m like, really? You’re wearing skin-tight pants and you try to steal something by putting it down there? Dumb. Anyways, I stop her and tell her she has to pay for that. She tries to look all innocent and asks pay for what? I point at her and say that, she says what again. So I point to my waist where she has the make-up and say again that. She looks down, tries to act all innocent again, and says oh. She hides her face, gives it to the guy she’s with and tells him to pay for it as she runs out the door. He just sets it on the other counter while I check someone else out and leaves. Go me!
So, June 8th, Tasselin’s two month mark, she has a doctor’s appointment to go to. My mom took off work to go with me because she has to get four or five shots and just in case I decide I can’t handle it I can stand in the hall. So we go in and she gets weighed and measured: 23 inches long and 9 pounds 12 ounces. Oh. My. Gosh. She’s gotten soo big! I was all proud ^^ And so was the nurse because she finally hit the bottom of the growth chart, yay Tassy! Anyway, they put us in a room where we waited for a good while then went back into the kitchen area for our chatting session with the other mothers. This time it wasn’t with Dr. Papa and it wasn’t very long. Then we were shuffled back into the rooms where the lady saw us. We asked about this horrific looking birthmark she has (which is apparently nothing to worry about and should go away by the age of five), told her about the improvement in behavior (she had been a lot more pleasant after the formula switch), got a script sent over to WIC for the new formula (because that shit is expensive, it’s like $26 a can and that only lasts about 30 bottles which she goes through in about four days), and got her two month look over. She then sent us over to the other room where Tassy got her four shots (which I braved out, stayed in the room, and held he hands) and off we went. We gave her Tylenol before we went and proceeded to give more as often as the box allowed. She actually did pretty well for everything she had to endure.
Oh, and thank goodness she was accepted for Medicaid. I got her on the Gateway health plan, which I hear is extremely good. I got the card right before this visit so I didn’t have to pay the $200 something for the visit and the shots. Waaay too expensive.
So there’s this guy who comes in from the Mission all the time. Nice, but kinda creepy. The other day at work he followed Mary around the store for about an hour even though she tried to get away from him, someone else tried to rescue he multiple times, and she was down right rude to him. Eventually she faked a call from her mom and brother and bolted out the door. Then he came up to the register and talked to me for almost 45 more minutes before he went looking for her again throughout the store (she was still outside). So I texted her to run because he was looking for her, and she asked me to unlock her car (the keys were in my drawer), so I did, and she hid under he steering wheel until about twenty minutes later when he finally left. Creepiest thing. Then for the next wee he kept calling the store looking for her and me. And he kept stopping in. And then he left a love note for her. Mary was going to call the cops, but Norma called the Mission instead and they said they’d take care of it. If he comes in again though, we’re calling the cops and having him arrested for harassment and getting a restraining order. Poor Mary.
Yup. Definitely, absolutely, positively, no doubt about it. We’re moving :) My mom finally convinced my dad to move. She put the house up for sale (we have someone interested already!), started looking for places in the couple different states she wouldn’t mind living in, looking for a new job, and all the jazz. My dad hasn’t made much of an effort but she said if she can’t sell the house or he keeps dragging his feet she’ll leave him here to figure it out and we’ll go ahead and move anyway. I’m in. I don’t care, I want out of here soo badly! I might have to stay with my parents(mom) for a while before I can move out on my own, but that’s okay. She just wants to rent an apartment or small condo first and then move into a smaller house. Good idea, I think. I’m so excited, I can’t wait! This will be great for Tassy and I. Get out of this dump.
You’ll have to forgive me for one, posting all this stuff at one time, and two, not being able to get on here often. Its hard, ya know? I work a lot. When I’m not I’m running errands or taking care of Tasselin or finally getting an hour or two of sleep. I don’t have time for the internet so much anymore. I get on the computer maybe once a week, if I’m lucky. And all I do is check the notifications on Facebook, check my e-mail on Yahoo!, and check my bank account. That’s it, then I’m off. So you might not get much out of me for a while and then you’ll end up with a stock pile of things, like tonight. But hey, at least I’m still writing when I can, right?
So my mother’s birthday was on the 7th. She turned 43, yay her! Anyways, on her birthday Shiloh and I threw her a surprise party. I decorated the house with streamers, we blew up balloons and got some helium ones, bought her a cheesecake with enough candles to put 43 on there, bought her these old candy things that she likes and invited the neighbors over. When she came home from work we jumped he and sang happy birthday and we hung out in the dining room and talked and laughed and had a good time. Then on Friday, the 10th, Shiloh and I pulled our money together and bought her tickets to see Micheal Buble (one of he favorite artists) play in Pittsburgh (Shiloh went with her while I stayed home to watch Tassy). She was so surprised (we didn’t tell her) and excited and whatnot. Shiloh said she even cried. And she absolutely loved the concert. So then Saturday night my dad bought her Chinese for dinner since it’s one of her favorite foods. And the gifts just keep on coming! We never make a big deal out of he birthday so we thought we’d do something special for her. Phil Vassar, another singer she likes, is playing at a fair about thirty minutes away from here in July. We’re gonna try to go to that too if we can and say it was part of he birthday too. I’m glad she liked the concert though. And I’m really glad we could finally do something really nice for her birthday :)
I have a question: how do you know when you’re in love?
Is it just one of those things you’ll know it when you feel it? Is it something that maybe you won’t know until it’s too late? Is there a sign or maybe a few that I could look for to know?
I mean, I’m not sure if I’ve ever really been in love with anyone. Definitely not Tyler or Josh or Tommy. I mean, I loved Tyler like any girl kinda loves her first boyfriend. I loved Josh like a friend and thought he was amazingly sweet. I don’t think I ever really liked Tommy more than just a friend. But I’m wondering if maybe I was in love with Frank? I mean, I suffered the abuse of him leaving and returning only to leave again for years, but still couldn’t wait for him to come back. I thought he was going to die one night and almost completely lost my mind; I stayed up all night until I heard from him. I probably would have even stepped in front of a bullet for him if it meant he’d live on. Is that something like love? I don’t know. Are you really suppose to feel something different or do you just think something different?
And what about Brad? I know I love him like a best friend. But IN love? I mean, I’d do just about anything for him. Bullet, knife, punch, I’d take them all. Go to the ends of the Earth? Sure. But maybe that’s still a best friend thing? Because I’d probably do all that for Sam too and I definitely know I’m not attracted to her.
I dunno. Maybe I’ll figure it out one day, huh?
Did I tell you I joined a new college?
Well, I did. I got accepted into Penn Foster, an online school, to do Medical Coding and Billing. My mom is actually doing it too, so we can kinda help each other out. I think it’ll work out great because you make like $20 an hour and after a couple years you can just work from home. That’ll be great for Tassy and I, then I won’t have to worry about daycare or anything. They’re giving me around like a year and a half or two years (something like that) to complete it, but I should definitely be done before then. It’s great, it’ll be great for our future.
So I’ve been debating back and forth, fighting myself about whether or not I should try to stay with Brad. I have come to the conclusion that this isn’t really working out for us. I mean, really. It was great in the beginning, back when I was in Texas and he flew down to see me. And it was still pretty good after I moved down here. Up until about Christmas time, right after we actually started ‘officially’ dating. But then things started getting different and then going downhill. We never even told anyone we were dating, how sad is that? We rarely saw each other (although slightly understandable since we were an hour’s drive away and it was winter in PA with a lot of snow, but still). We always seemed to have sex every time we hung out (not that I’m complaining exactly but ya know, we didn’t have to). And he’s definitely still in love with Becky (they split up a year and a half ago and he’s pretty much still as in love with her as when they were dating; I didn’t expect him to be completely over her, but I didn’t think he’d still be that in love with her). And I’m ready to settle down, move on with my life, go somewhere else. I just don’t think his heart is in it, ya know? But I’m a coward. So instead of waiting to do it in person or even calling him, or even texting him, I’m going to write him a letter I think because I don’t really want an immediate response. Cowardly? Very. But I’m just not good at this kind of stuff..
So Tasselin has been a little better, but now she’s doing a lot more spitting up and refluxing. So we called the doctor’s office again and told them what was going on (they’re probably getting sick and tired of hearing from us xD). The nurse called back about an hour and a half later and then consulted Dr. Papa and called back twenty minutes after that. They decided to put her on some medicine that will help with the reflux. She has to take 0.5mg four times a day. Poor thing. So we started her on that and she has been so much calmer. She’s not doing so much refluxing. Still spitting up a good amount, but hey, she feels better and that’s all that counts.
So Tuesday (June 14th) I went to an open interview in New Brighton at McGuire Memorial, a facility for kids and adults with special needs. It’s about a 40 minute drive from my house. I get there barely on time, get started on filling out an application, and this lady walks in to talk to the four of us that has shown up (me, two guys, and a girl; I’m definitely the youngest). She tells us all about the job: working 3pm to 11:30pm, you have two weeks of training before you work where you make eight something an hour, when you start working you make nine something an hour, after 90 days probation you make eleven something an hour, you work so many days one week, so many days the second week, so many days the third week, then you start it back over, if you have to work a holiday you make double pay and a half, there is mandatory overtime and optional overtime, you will be part of a union, you get four or five personal and sick days every year, after working a year you earn a week of paid vacation, you have to get a TB shot done twice, you get full benefits for free for you and your family (husband/wife, children), you’ll be helping this people out, making crafts with them, doing psychical with them, help feeding them, dressing them, changing diapers, etc, etc. We took a tour, filled out more paperwork, and we were done. It was a nice interview. No one asking you a billion questions and making you nervous. And it was right down to the point. And it sounds so good! With all that I could actually afford daycare and a car payment and to move. I was also the only one there who had any experience with this sort of thing (go me for working at Nana’s!). So keeping my fingers crossed. Begging the universe for this opportunity.
It’s been almost a month since I had my car accident. Did you know that? And the damn insurance company never called me. If I wanted any information I had to call them. I have been fighting and fighting with them trying to figure out what they’re doing with my car. First Gregs wouldn’t release it. Then Nick’s took forever to look it over. They determined that the car had almost $11,000 worth of damage done to it and deemed it a total loss. Then I called the insurance again and she said they’d transfer my stuff to the total loss department and someone from there would give me a call. I waited three business days and called them again. Was put on hold for forty minutes and left a message to be called back. No one called me. So I waited. Still no. So I called again and filed a formal complaint against the company and the guy I talked to insured me that someone would call me back the next day. No one did. So my grandparents called. And then my credit union called them. Finally I guess they told the credit union that they were going to total my car, send the check to my grandparents (since my grandfather was on the lease) and they could give it to the credit union. We’re not sure how much they’re paying for it but if it doesn’t cover the remainder of my loan then I have to take out another loan to pay it off and then pay that off. I pray it covers the whole loan. Right now I’m in a rental, but they’ll want it back soon when they total the car. And if I get this job in New Brighton I definitely need a new car. My dad’s car eats too much gas for that long of a trip.
So I didn’t get the chance to write and send Brad that letter. Instead, I was telling everything to my coworker, Ally, who stole my phone and texted him:
Hey, I’m just texting to tell you that we are over.
Nice, right? Well when I realized what she texted I slightly freaked out. And then I dreadfully awaited the response. After about two hours when I got off work I texted him again saying:
So, one of the girls I work with, AJ, stole my phone and texted that to you.. But it’s not exactly a false statement. I don’t think we’re working out. We weren’t really even before you left for boot camp and whatnot so that’s not it. But you’re definitely not over Becky and I’m ready to settle and move one. So, I guess this is a goodbye of sorts for us. I’m sorry you got this through a text and not like in person or on the phone. Hopefully also doesn’t affect our friendship. Maybe I can go back to being your wingman :p
And waited. And heard nothing from him. So, still waiting…
So I went into work on Thursday and John asked me if I was leaving them. I was like, uhm, I’m moving next year, yeah? He said that McGuire had called looking for a reference and that he gave me a really good one (awww [: ). My heart probably skipped a few beats. So I told him yes I was looking around because I needed something that paid a little bit more because diapers and formula were expensive and I was trying to move. He said he definitely understood that (he’s got like five kids between him and his girlfriend). But I guess he told Mary and Norma and Ally. And Mary told me Ally and John wee both freaking out over me possibly leaving them. But Mary stood up for me and told them, hey, if I leave I leave. So, I’m really glad she understands. Is this a good thing? I think so :)
So, McGuire called yesterday. Guess who got a job offer?
:D :D :D :D
I was so excited (still am!). I called my mom as soon as I got off the phone with her (she was running errands). I have shit ton of things to do in a short amount of time but I can make it happen. The lady told me that I had to get the TB shot done that day around noon. Then on the 20th I have to get my license changed to PA, get my TB shot read before noon, get fingerprinted at the police station (since I had been out of the states in the past two years), and get a pre-employment psychical done. Then on the 24th I had to come in at 10am to get a second TB shot, fill out some paperwork for Human Resources, and get fingerprinted with the FBI. Then on the 27th I would get the second shot read and start my training that week, Monday through Friday, 8am to 3:30pm and then July 5th through the 8th at the same time. And then I’d be working. She heard Tassy fussing on the phone and said that I could bring her to the TB testing, the paperwork, etc, but not to the training or work (obviously). So, yeah. A lot in a little bit of time, but I am super pumped!
Unfortunately I had to break the news to Mary and Norma. But, they offered to keep me on as part time so I can make even more extra money, so, score! :D And, Mary also offered to babysit. Double score!
I never did hear back from Brad.
So today while I was at work I texted him again saying that I hadn’t heard from him in two weeks and asked him a bunch of questions. He finally responded and told me he was busy and answered a couple of my questions. We talked for a little but but he only gave me short responses and wasn’t even really trying so I stopped texting. I’m not even sure if he got my text about the fact that I was breaking up with him. Or maybe his lack of response was his distaste for me for breaking up with him? I dunno. How can I tell? I guess maybe tomorrow I could just ask him, huh?
But it makes me wonder, if he did get it, did he even care? Maybe he never really thought of as actually dating so it didn’t bother him that I ‘broke it off’. Did you know it’s been eight months since we started this whole thing (October 15th)? Did you know it’s been almost six months since we started ‘dating’ (December 22nd)? More importantly, did he know? What happened to the Brad I knew before, huh? I saved some of the text messages he sent me from way back when. Why? Because they were cute and adorable and I wanted to remember them. Here’s just a few:
I miss sleeping with someone to be with at night
(after the first weekend he spent with me in Texas)
You’re the one I risk death just to talk to
(what he told me when I scolded him for texting me while driving)
Because I like it when you’re around and wish that we could have time together right now
(when I asked him why he wished I was there)
Close your eyes and imagine I’m holding you
Only one thing would make it better
Me: What’s that?
Having to look forward to sleeping with you after
I made my wish
Me: What’s that?
(about wishing at 11:11pm)
You don’t even know what I’m thinking about
Me: Okay, what are you thinking about?
If I should drop and go to New Castle to see you
(while he was at a Magic tournament)
And like I said, that’s just a few of the things he’s said that I love. What happened to that? I mean, we use to stay up forever talking about complete nonsense every day. And down in Texas, when he went to bed for the night I texted him while he was sleeping so he had something to wake up to. And when he woke up early for work he texted me while I was sleeping so I had something to wake up to. When we visited me down there we mostly just goofed off. We had a water fight. He chased me around the house with cold things from the freezer and fridge because he knew I hated cold things. We wrestled on my bed. We laid down and talked for like three hours about a lot of different subjects, most of which were really important and serious. He chased me in the parking lot on the way to see a movie. He cut me up a lemon when I had morning sickness. He was sweet and funny and crazy . We use to be silly. We did a little bit of that after I moved up here, but not much. We lost something. Did you know we use to say rawr to each other all the time? Especially after I told him it meant ‘I love you’ in dinosaur. If I said it first he said it back with a smiley face. And if he said it first I said it back with a heart. And the one time I forgot to put a heart he asked me where it was at and why didn’t I put it. And he asked me once if I had wished that he was the father of Tasselin. I said kinda, yeah. He sad that was sad. When I asked him why he said: It’s nice that you would rather have me as the dad but kinda sad because even though I kinda would rather have it that way also it isn’t that way. Maybe he was just being nice, but I cried after he sent that to me. Partially because of hormones. Partially because it was extremely sweet. Especially at that time. What happened to that guy? Like I said, maybe he doesn’t really care. And maybe six or eight months doesn’t really seem like a long time, but it feels like a lifetime to me.
Oh, well. I guess I figure it out soon enough. I’ll just man up and ask him tomorrow or something. That’s the best way to deal with all this, right?
I’ve been going since 9:30 this morning. Took Tassy and Shiloh out to run errands (Shiloh decided he didn’t want to stay home and watch her, but run with me). We drove up to the DMV to get my license changed over (still got a Texas license, whoops..) but ours and Mercers is closed. The one in New Rochester was open so we drove all the way out there only to find out that apparently PennDOT doesn’t work on Mondays. So I have to go back out Wednesday before work and try to get it changed or something. Went to New Brighton to get my TB test read (look at that, no TB). Stopped in at Subway and got something to eat. Fed Tassy. Drove out to the police barracks in Allequippa to get fingerprinted. Which, by the way, is pretty messy. And the police officer who did it was like a robot. Then went to some weird healthcare facility to get a pre-employment physical (everything checks out a-okay, and I even grew an inch! Finally five feet xD). Had to run to Wal-Mart also to pick up some distilled water to make formula. Shiloh didn’t really do too much. And Tasselin was very, very good (except for maybe an hour and a half after she ate and when I got fingerprinted). She slept mostly the whole entire time (all but three hours from lunch to after the physical) and even slept another half an hour when we got home. Then, about an hour after we get home, Ally calls me. She accidentally left some groceries at Shop-N-Save and wants to know if I could take her down there to pick them up (she doesn’t have a car and that’s an extremely long walk). So I say yes. Hand Tassy off to Shiloh to finish feeding and watch and take Ally out there. For some reason there was a vibe of awkward. Or maybe it was just me. But she did do a lot of babbling. Anyway, by the time I got back home it was six. So I’ve basically been running for about eight hours. Makes for an extremely long day. She’s sleeping now so I’m headed that way. I’ve got some catching up to do
Also, I have two cards that I’m currently putting up for sale on eBay. One is a foil card of Sorin Markov worth around $30 which is my starting bid price. The other is Sword of War and Peace worth around $25 which is my starting bud price. Hopefully someone jumps on these cards (I even offered free shipping). Or better yet, two people get into a bidding war! I’m thinking this might be a good way to earn some extra cash. Yes? We shall see.
If you’re wondering why I haven’t written anything in a while it’s because I’ve been pretty busy. So let me catch you up on everything that’s happened…
On the way to take Shiloh to do his PSSA testing, my mom and brother got into a car accident. It wasn’t my mom’s fault, the other driver pulled out in front of her. Thankfully, no one was hurt. But the back of her car was pretty much totaled. And Shiloh missed his testing. My dad had to drive out there to get them and my mom’s car got towed to get fixed.
I had a doctor’s appointment which my mom went to too. Dr. Hurd looked me over real good and when he measured my stomach he got concerned because I wasn’t measuring where I should be (although he didn’t say where I was measuring). So he scheduled me for a sonogram on Thursday. Come Thursday I went to my sonogram and got a lovely picture of little Missy. Dr. Hurd got the results later and called me and told me to come straight to the hospital, they were going to induce me. So I called my mom, who took off work, came and got me, and took me to the hospital.
Dr. Hurd came and talked to me and told me that she was a month behind in her growth and that he was going to induce me. So he put some cream on my cervix (which is suppose to loosen it up so I could dilate more) and told me to walk around the hallway to help. My dad and Shiloh stay for a little bit. And my grandmother came to visit and as she was leaving Renee (Tommy’s mom) and Tommy came up. I refused to let Tommy in the ward (hey, we told him all or nothing and since he didn’t ask anything about her the whole pregnancy he didn’t deserve to be there). Renee visited with me for a while though. She walked the halls with us for a bit and then played Rummy with us for a while. All in all she was there about four hours and then she left, taking the very unhappy Tommy with her. They gave me some IV medicine to help it along too, which was really strange. It made everything spin, so much so that I had to go to sleep to get rid of it. In the middle of the night they took me off of it because the contractions were so hard and so close it was putting stress on the baby. The next morning (Friday the 8th) Dr. Hurd came in to look at me. I was still having slight contractions now and then and they decided to go ahead and break my water (after finally letting me have a shower). A couple hours later I was in so much pain I couldn’t breathe. I was squeezing my mom’s hand so hard I’m sure it was on the verge of breaking. I was trying to hold off as long as possible for any drugs but that was as much as I could handle. So I rang for the nurse and they gave me an Epidural. Not too long after that the nurse came in to check on me again and the baby was crowning. So they called Dr. Hurd over from the hospital and he just barely made it to deliver little Missy. Momma recorded the whole thing. And Dr. Hurd had me help deliver her, I pulled her out after her head was out. It was strange. Momma cut the cord. Then the nurse took her to the warmer and tried to get her to cry because she was being quiet. Eventually she did. She took her temperature and gave her a shot and took some blood and whatnot. She couldn’t keep her temperature up so she had to stay in the warmer in the nursery. We took pictures. My dad, Shiloh, my grandparents, Renee, Nancy and Larry all came to visit. Then they moved me to another room (by wheelchair because I still couldn’t feel my legs after the Epidural). So little lovely Tasselin Niomi was born on April 8th at 1:06 pm at 4 pounds 6.8 ounces and 19 inches long. She has strawberry blonde wavy hair and blue eyes. She’s beautiful. We had to stay in the hospital until Sunday (when she could keep her temperature up). She had to ride in a car bed because she was too little for a real car seat.
Life after that was all about Tasselin. She has everyone wrapped around her little fingers, especially my dad. He won’t let her make a noise without being all over her. It’s kinda cute, really. She slept most of the time, just waking up to eat about two ounces every three or four hours. I pumped and bottle fed her breast milk. My mom got up with us in the middle of the night so I could pump while she fed her. Everything was kinda exhausting.
I took Tasselin to her two week appointment where she had already grew to five ounces. Dr. Papa gave all of us new moms a talk and then looked at our children separately. I had my two week check-up a couple days later too. Dr. Hurd said I was looking good and that I could go back to work. So I called up Norma and got myself scheduled to start working again. Shiloh took the role of babysitter, which we’re paying him for. And Momma watches her whenever she gets home.
I just took Tasselin to her one month check-up and she’s already over seven pounds and 19 3/4 inches long. She’s already started eating cereal (because she’s already trying to eat us out of house and home). She’s getting use to eating with a spoon and we bathe her every night. She’s doing alright. Not sleeping so well at night, but we’re working on that. I’ve started calling her my little monster because she makes all sorts of growling noises (absolutely adorable) and I’m thinking about getting a tattoo for her using that. She has the cutest facial expressions and everyone keeps coming over to see her so she’s already super popular. Right now I’m working on trying to save up so we can get the hell out of New Castle. Wish us luck.
So I went to the doctor’s office today for my one month check-up. I brought Tasselin with me and the nurses flocked me whenever I signed in to see her. They all told me she was beautiful and looked just like me. I waited in the back for 30 minutes or so, but thankfully Tassy was sleeping. Some new guy came in and asked me questions and listened to my heart and lungs, said everything looked good. Then Dr. Hurd came in and asked me some more questions and whatnot. He switched my birth control pill now that I’m not breast-feeding anymore. I’ll be starting that in a week or so. Nothing major happened and everything looks good. He had me schedule my next appointment for some time in August as my annual check-up. So, yay me, I guess. Sounds like a blast, doesn’t it?
So I joined this new site I found called Experience Project (at http://www.experienceproject.com). You join these groups like: I remember my first kiss, and you share your experience about it. You can read other peoples’ experiences, comment, rate, share confessions, ask and answer questions, etc. It’s kinda fun, ya know? Gives you something to do and it’s a nice way to connect to other people. I think I might stick with this one for a while.
So the other night I was up at 3:30 in the morning with Tasselin. We were hanging out in the living room on the first floor and I was feeding her a bottle, getting her ready to go back to bed. At like a quarter to four the alarm for our house beeped. Rascal barked. I was like, hello? Then I thought that was kinda dumb because if someone was breaking in then they knew I was in the living room and to go in with guns blazing. And as soon as that thought passed through my head I was in a panic. Ohmygosh, what if someone just came into the house and was getting ready to kill me?! So I hauled ass up the stairs to the third floor clutching Tasselin. I ran up there and told Shiloh what happened and he could tell I was really upset. So he locked the door to the third floor, called the house, woke our parents up, told them what happened and asked them to go downstairs and check it out for me. I, in the meantime, was still basically having a heart attack pacing around upstairs rocking Tasselin. Shiloh went downstairs and joined the hunt and I locked the door behind him. Momma came upstairs shortly after, took Tasselin, and told me to go to bed. I tried to tell her I wasn’t tired, but she made me go to bed anyway. So I was lying there, still slightly freaked out when she came back upstairs. She told me Daddy thought it was just the batteries (because if someone sets the alarm off it actually beeps loudly three times), that Shiloh volunteered to watch Tasselin tonight since I hadn’t gotten any sleep and I had to work in the morning at nine, and to get some sleep. Still halfway panicked and feeling horrible for waking everyone up, I ended up crying myself to sleep. After I woke up I realized how extremely dumb that was, but what could I do about it then? Hopefully nothing like that happens again.
So the other day Anne (Brad’s mom) texted me and told me Rod (her boyfriend) was going to be dropping by to drop off a pass for Becky. I told her okay. I thought maybe Becky had visited her and left her bus pass or something. Come to find out when Rod dropped it off it was a pass to get on the base to see Brad graduate from Basic. Needless to say I was kind of upset that she had one and I didn’t. So I texted Anne and asked her how to get one. She said Becky got hers by signing the papers that Brad had before he left for Basic. I was hurt. Giving Brad the benefit of the doubt, maybe he thought I wouldn’t be able to go since I was having a baby. Still. I’m very hurt he didn’t ask me or anything. So I kept talking to Anne and she said if I could get my own flight down there, figure out how to get a pass (which she gave me a couple numbers to contact), and have money for things like food, she’d share her hotel room and car with me so I could go see Brad. Now, I don’t get pain again until Friday and he graduates on Thursday and I think we’re allowed there until Sunday. I figured since my dad earns point/miles for flying with work maybe he could get me a flight down, I could get my own flight back, I could borrow maybe fifty bucks from them until Friday. I’d have to call off work for Thursday and Friday, but Ally said she wouldn’t mind covering at least one of my days for extra hours and I’m sure Norma would understand. So I came home all ready to tell my mom about this revelation and ask about the possibility of getting a flight. Come to find out, however, my aunt and uncle and cousins that live in Oklahoma City, their brand-new house they just built was destroyed by a tornado. They asked if all the family that could would come down and help them get their things back together and whatnot. So my mom and my dad are both going down there, meaning no miles left over or someone to watch the baby for me. Now, helping our my aunt and uncle and cousins in their time of need is a lot more important than going to see Brad graduate. Although I can’t help but to be really disappointed. Who wouldn’t? So I told Anne that I couldn’t make it and to tell Brad I’m so very proud of him and to have fun while she was down there. Hopefully I’ll get to see him soon while he’s in training. I guess we shall see.
So, guess what happened to me today? I got into a car accident. Poor Cree. She’s all beaten up and had to be towed away :( Not my fault though. I was coming back from a job interview in Wampum (for being a caregiver for seniors in their homes) traveling down Route 168 when this guy crossed over the yellow lines and rammed right into the front left (driver’s side) of my car. The tire came off, the window cracked, the front was smashed. I slammed on the brakes after I was hit and was extremely thankful to have not gone over the cliff. The other guy didn’t stop until like a quarter of a mile down the road. I never got to talk to him, but the police did. The guy behind me stopped and made sure I was okay and chased down the other car and called the police. My legs and lower back kinda hurt after the accident and I had a headache, but I told the ambulance that I didn’t want to go with them. My car got towed and a police officer took me home after they got all our information. What a sucky thing to happen. Thankfully no one was hurt though. But grr. Why me? >.<
So Saturday my mom had this plan to take me to get my nails done. Since she thought she wasn’t going to be here she told my grandmother to take me. She told me since she had already told Grammy to take me that she would take me and afterwards the two of us would go out and do something together, as a late Mother’s Day present, and Nancy would watch Tasselin. Okay, cool, sounds good to me. So Grammy picked me up around nine and Momma asked if we could be back by eleven since that’s when we told Nancy to babysit. So I got my nails painted which took maybe ten minutes. We went to McDonald’s where she got coffee and I got the new strawberry lemonade drink (not very good, in my opinion), then to Fashion Bug to see the newest styles, and then to the Dollar Tree just to roam around. Momma texted me on the way home to tell us to go to Nancy’s house because Nancy wanted to watch Tasselin over there. I said okay and off we went. When we got there I knocked on the door and I saw Diane at the door. She came down and opened it for us and I asked her what she was doing here. She said she heard a baby was there and just had to come see her. Of course, right? She’s always wanting to see her. So I laughed and told her oh, so the whole neighborhood is here. I get up the steps and turn into the living room and surprise! The whole neighborhood really is here, along with some family and friends. Turned out to be a surprise baby shower. It was nice. The cake was beautiful, the food was good, the company was great (Grammy, Aunt Gretchen, Aunt Sandy, Nancy, Kelly, Ellen, Melanie, Melinda, Olivia, Sam, Rhonni, their mom, Nichole, my mom, Tassy, and I were all in attendance), Tasselin slept most the time, we got some pretty pictures, and Tassy got a lot of nice things. It was great.
So Wednesday or Thursday last week I decided I wanted to do something with/for Brad since he’d be leaving for Basic on Tuesday. So I texted Emily and asked if they had any plans for Sunday and when she replied no I told her I was going to kidnap Brad and to keep me in the loop if they made plans because I was going to surprise him. And then I sat down and tried to think of something to do. The problem with that was that I didn’t know what he’d want to do. Go out to eat and watch a movie? That was boring. Go to the zoo? Maybe. Didi he like the zoo? Picnic, maybe at night, at that park that never seems to close? Sounds kind of fun, but it’s suppose to be cold, maybe even snow. To the five-neighborhood mall for glow-in-the-dark putt-putt, arcade, food, movie, whatever? Possibly. That could be fun. I decided I’d let him pick what we did. This was suppose to be his day after all. Then I thought about getting a hotel room for the night. Wouldn’t that be fun? I wouldn’t have to worry about coming home at a certain time or getting back to the apartment late. It could be like back at the Shanty, we wouldn’t have to worry about anyone and could do whatever. Good plan, I thought. So I booked a hotel room in Pitt, twenty or so minutes away from the apartment. So come Sunday I got up, showered, dressed, cleaned my room, packed a bag, painted my nails. Ran to Wal-Mart and picked up a few things (soda, snacks, cups, plates, cards, candles, etc), then headed to the hotel. The paper said check-in was at four, but they let me check-in at one-thirty. I unpacked my car and put everything away nicely in the room. I had to ask Brad if he was working Monday so he knew I was kidnapping him. But he, Emily, and Becky were suppose to go to Em’s parent’s house for dinner for her birthday so I was just waiting for a text saying they were back. So I got some pizza, watched a marathon of Law and Order: SVU, played myself in cards, and just hung out. Brad finally texted me around four or five so I drove to the apartment. I was seriously considering blind-folding him because it sounded fun xD But Brad had to take Becky to work the next morning so he had to drive too. I had brought cupcakes for Em’s birthday, even decorated them with candles, but Becky and Emily weren’t there when I came over so I just left them on the counter for her. Brad finished up this pretty cool game he was playing online, we wrestled around on his bed for a little bit (he wouldn’t let me take his picture xD), then he packed a bag and followed me to the hotel. I told him whatever he wanted to do, it was up to him. Although by then, because it was Sunday, most things were closed. We ended up staying in the hotel all night. We ordered pizza to the room, watched a marathon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which I had never seen before, but it was good), jumped on the bed, went on an adventure looking for ice, wrestled around on the bed and floor, played Blackjack 21 (took turns being dealer, but Brad seems to be psychic when it comes to the cards. it was almost creepy, but really cool), lit candles and drank sparkling white grape juice, kissed, cuddled, had sex, had a tickle fight and an ice war, and just had fun in general. It was such a lovely night :) Poor thing though. We didn’t get to bed until like two-thirty in the morning and he got up a little after four to drive to the apartment to take Becky to work. But apparently she didn’t need a ride any more so he had gotten up and driven out there for nothing. He got back around five-thirty or so and pretty much crashed as soon as his head hit the pillow. And then the poor thing again, I had to wake him up at eight so we could check-out because I had been having contractions all night and they were getting more intense and closer together. So we raced to the apartment and beat my mom there by fifteen-twenty minutes. Poor Brad didn’t know what to say or how to make me feel better so he pulled out his new Pokemon game and showed me some of the new Pokemon and new badges and whatnot to keep my mind off of it. He tried and I love him for that ^^
He went back to bed after my mom picked me up around nine. She drove me all the way out to the hospital in Farrell, UPMC Horizon, where my doctor, Dr. Tate, was on call. I was having contractions every two or three minutes, some very intense, and was dilated to a three. And I lost my mucus plug when I went to get a urine sample. Since according them I was only thirty-five weeks along they didn’t want me to try to deliver there because the hospital doesn’t have a NICU. More than likely I wouldn’t need it, but just in case they stopped my labor (via three pills in thirty minute increments and a shot, which I hated because it made my heart race like crazy and gave me the shakes), pumped me full of fluids and antibiotics via IV (which sucked, it hurt my hand like crazy), and sent me in an ambulance on my way to Magee Women’s Hospital in Pittsburgh (where I slept half the way). My mom tied the ambulance getting there (she even went home, took a shower, and packed a couple bags). They brought me up to Triage, took a urine sample and some cultures, and hooked me up to an automatic blood pressure cup, heart monitor, a machine that measured the baby’s heartbeat, and a machine that measured contractions. Grammy and Diane had visited me at the other hospital and now Nancy, Larry, and Shiloh were visiting me there. My labor had completely stopped but they wanted to keep me over night to make sure it didn’t start back up again. They took me to a different part of the floor where expectant mothers wait. I was so excited I finally got to eat xD Since I hadn’t eaten since the night before and it was like nine-thirty at night by then. Nancy and Larry took Shiloh home, I ordered dinner, Momma ate, the nurse came in and checked my vitals, and then we went to bed. Except the girl in the room next to me was cursing and yelling into the phone, so my mom called the nurse and she tried to take care of it. Neither my mom or I slept well at all. The nurse woke me up at six to listen to the baby and give me some medicine. The nurse’s aide came in a little later for my vitals. The doctor came in to introduce herself. Since they weren’t leaving me alone we got up. I had already had a cough since Saturday, but now I was running a fever with a sore throat and a stuffy/runny nose so they swabbed my throat for strep and my nose (holy shit did that hurt like hell >.<) for the flu and told me I was staying again. I had a precaution on my door now so anybody coming into the room had to wear a mask and if I left the room I had to wear one. We didn’t do too much. Watched TV, updated people via Facebook and text, talked, took a couple walks around the floor. I did my Sudoku puzzle book, Momma worked on her school stuff. We ate. I drank a shit-ton of water. The nurse and nurse’s aide repeatedly came in to check the baby and my vitals. When they said I was definitely staying the night again Momma went home to take a shower, clean up the house, pack some more stuff, etc. I took a nap. Or tried to, but the nurses kept waking me up for vitals and whatnot. Momma got back around six-thirty, we walked and ate and updated. The nurse finally gave me my last vital check for the night along with medicine. We watched Tangled (very cute movie), then hit the hay. Slept a lot better than the night before but was still woken at six for meds and vitals. after breakfast we took a walk and ran into the doctor. She told me I was being discharged with antibiotics (even though they weren’t sure if I actually had anything yet since the labs hadn’t come in), she checked to see how dilated I was (down to a two, but let me tell you how much it seriously sucks to be checked -_-), and left. We got dressed and packed up and headed out.
And that was my adventure for the week.
So after the whole labor thing Momma decided it would be a good idea to get my room ready for the baby. So after she took a nap we got the crib ready, clothes and blankets washed, we put up the decals and stickers and mirrors on the walls and windows and doors. The room isn’t quite done yet, but it looks great. And it should since it took us like four or so hours to do -_-
And then yesterday I got a proper to-go bag ready in case I do go into labor again. This time we’ll be ready. Well, sorta, I guess.
Yeah, so, the hospital called my mom last night. My test for the flu was positive. So they’re pretty sure this flu thing set off my labor, along with slight dehydration. Oh, the joys xD
For Basic. On Tuesday.
(which is why he didn’t come with me to the hospital, Monday he had laundry and packing and lunch and dinner to do and Tuesday he left)
He texted me all day Monday and Tuesday up until he landed in Texas, so I didn’t quite miss him right off the bat. But Wednesday morning when I woke up and looked over at my phone I got such a horrible sinking feeling. Why? Because I knew I wasn’t going to have a good morning text from Brad with him telling me how bad traffic was and how it sucked to be up that early for work. I was still in the hospital then though so I was easily distracted from thinking about that. But after I got home later that night I was in the bathroom when I noticed my dad had his gray sweatshirt sitting on the bench. It reminded me of my Christmas present from Brad, his gray sweatshirt. He had forgotten to give it back to me after the last time I gave it to him to wear so I didn’t have it. I almost burst into tears thinking about that (totally thinking about breaking into Brad’s room at the apartment to get it back). And Thursday I woke up with the same problem I had on Wednesday. And all day I kept staring at my phone. I knew I texted Brad all day long, but I didn’t realize exactly how much time that took up in a day. He asked me if I was sad that he was leaving. I told him maybe a little. But really, I’m pretty much heartbroken :/ I already miss him like crazy and I’m sure it will just get worse from here. Especially the more I think about it, him, and reminisce. But I’m going to try not to show it and definitely try not to tell him about it. I’m going to miss him, but I’m going to be strong and everything will be great. Because really, I’m so very proud of him :)
Momma was kinda really pissed at Becky while I was in the hospital. She didn’t understand why she didn’t ask about me or come and see me. I mean, we had kept everyone updated. And even when she got my mass text instead of saying something like good luck or congratulations or something like that all she said was I’ve heard. Momma said she guesses family means more to us than to it does to her. And I guess I kinda feel slightly down about it too. I mean, she didn’t have to come visit, I understand not wanting to. But at least all my friends and family texted me or Facebooked me and told me good luck or congratulations or told me to feel better or something and kept asking me throughout my whole stay. But that’s the only thing she sent me through the whole thing. It kinda makes me miss having a sister. Ya know, like I use to have. We use to write stories together, share our own stories, share our drawings. We use to take Rascal for long walks at night and talk (or like that one time when the college boys were living at the one house and we came around the corner screaming lyrics to a song from my iPod thinking we were badass for swearing xD), went to Walgreens and bought candy and ice cream and soda. We use to make Brad take us to the mall and drag him around, read manga at Barnes and Noble, play around at the park. She helped me break up with Tyler and I helped her throughout her whole relationship with Brad. We use to spend the night together at Grammy’s house, compare quiz results on Quizilla, hang out on her bed and talk about everything and anything and nothing at all (like the time Shiloh came up the stairs and the only saw skin and Becky fell off the bed laughing xD). I mean, what happened to all that? And I know we weren’t like glued at the hips, I know we didn’t tell each other everything and we kept secrets, but we did well with what we had. And maybe I imagined we had more of a relationship than we did (which could quite possibly be true, my brain adores making things up for me). And I know we’re not biologically related, or even technically related anymore now that she’s over 18, but I thought I was a decent sister. Certainly better than her real one. But really, after I told Brad and Becky and Emily that I thought friends moving in together was a bad idea and decided to move to Texas instead nothing has really been the same. Brad and Becky and I use to be the Three Musketeers. But after that it was like I got booted out of the group and that’s really when Becky stopped talking to me. Oh, well. Not much I can do about that now.
So yesterday we had a visit with Timmy. We picked up KFC on the way for lunch because he had asked for it last time we were there. We also brought some games and ended up playing Uno until the end of the visit. It was a lot of fun, Daddy won most of the games. And apparently Timmy had slipped on some rocks chasing a basketball and had to get stitches above his right eye. It looked pretty funny xD
After the visit my mom made my dad go to the ER for his leg (he has a cyst on the back of his leg that recently opened up and has been leaking). He thought he was just gonna get antibiotics and be sent home. However, they decided to keep him overnight and move his surgery (which was scheduled for Friday) up to today. He was so pissed at my mom. He was even more pissed when he found out he couldn’t smoke or eat after midnight, even though his surgery probably wouldn’t be until after two. And when the doctor came in to talk to him he wouldn’t even look at her. He was such a baby. I felt bad for the doctor. Hopefully he’s better behaved today. Poor Momma has go sit with him all day, so hopefully he doesn’t drive her too insane.
So I’m at work yesterday and this guy comes and checks out.
As I’m ringing him up he says, “You’ve got two months left, don’t you?” obviously talking about my being pregnant.
I’m thinking, weird, how does he know this? So I’m like, “Yeah”.
He asks, “How far along are you?”
“I was 8 months on Sunday.”
He looks at my stomach, “You won’t make it the next three weeks, I bet.”
I kinda laugh, “I didn’t think so either.” And I don’t. Not really. I had a dream that I gave birth at 33 weeks (which is next week) and ever since then I didn’t think I’d make it full term.
“You don’t plan on working next Sunday, do you?”
I give him a look, “No. I don’t usually work on Sundays.”
“Sunday. March 13th. 3am. That’s when you’re going to have your baby,” he tells me.
I’m thinking more like the 23rd because that date just keeps sticking in my head. But, who knows? Maybe he’s right. So I told him I’d let him know how close he got. I told my mom when I got home what he said. And she started slightly freaking out. Because my parents are suppose to go away that weekend (my dad got a free trip to some casino somewhere). And my neighbors are going away that weekend too, so I’m suppose to go house and dog-sit for them. So she’s like who are you going to call if this happens? What are you going to do? Blah blah blah. So we decided I’d call our neighbor Holly or one of the ladies who’s kids she works with, Jean. But now I’m thinking maybe I’ll call Anne, Brad’s mom, instead. She’s been texting me lately. She thinks of me as a daughter I guess. She officially welcomed me to her family and told me to come over whenever for however long I want and told me she loved me and all that jazz :) It’s really nice to hear and I love her to death. So we shall see.
Impulse. It’s a lovely book by an author named Ellen Hopkins (who also writes lots of other lovely books you should definitely check out).
There is so much about this book I love. And it’s so hard to explain why. Halfway because the story in itself is great. Halfway because I can really connect to one of the characters, partially connect to the other characters, and slightly connect to the plot itself. Compelling book, really. And it doesn’t take all that long to read either due to the fact that it’s written in a poetry form (now, now, don’t get turned off by reading that, it’s still really good, and it’s not all rhymie). And there’s things about it that just hit close to home for me, ya know? So here’s a few parts of it. And some of that I want to discuss..
on your impulse,
swallow the bottle,
cut a little deeper,
put the gun to your chest.
[Part of the introduction to the book; I believe it helps sum up what got them there and how the book goes]
I Hate This Feeling
Like I’m here, but I’m not.
Like someone cares,
But they don’t.
Like I belong somewhere
else, anywhere but here,
and escape lies just past
that snowy window.
[Vanessa. I’m sure everyone has had this feeling at some point in time, right? You’re lost, no one seems to care, you need to get away but first you have to make it past that window..]
Lust. The need to feel close.
The need to feel safe
because someone dares
to wrap their arms around
[Tony. Most likely everyone has felt this way too. I feel like this quite often, almost all the time.]
So when I started shifting
gears three or four times
in a twenty-four-hour period,
at first I blamed hormones.
Didn’t PMS make
you irritable? Didn’t boy
trouble drop you to your knees
(in more ways than one)?
[Vanessa. She’s talking about being bi-polar. Hits really close to home for me. That’s what I always thought too, at first, ya know. I joked about being bi-polar, blamed my hormones instead. Especially because when I was flying I didn’t exactly feel invincible. And when I was drowning I wasn’t quite suicidal. I did a lot of research on it though. Wanted to know what people who really had it were like. Come to find out I show every single sign. I even started becoming invincible and suicidal in my highs and lows. Scary, really.]
I can’t deal with your
freaky mood swings,
Vanessa. One minute
you’re solid, the next
you’re like water,
boiling water. I love
you. But not enough
to stay with you.
[Vanessa, remembering something her ex-boyfriend said. I think I’d die a bit on the inside if I heard this. And it’s a fear of mine to hear this. That someone ‘loves me’ but can’t handle me, won’t stay with me and help me out.]
Memory is a tenuous thing….
(I know, I’ve lately
said that, but it’s true.)
flickering glimpses, blue
and white, like ancient,
decomposing 16mm film.
me there, where faces
are vague and yesterday
seems to come tied
up in ribbons of pain.
(There must be
I can’t find it.)
Happiness? I look for it instead
in today, where memory
is something I can still
touch, still rely on.
I find it in the smiles
of new friends, the hope
(Scary, but accurate.)
My happiest memories
have no place in the
past; they are those
I have yet to create.
[Vanessa, writing a poem and her comments upon it. I can halfway relate to this. I mean, I can think of times in my past that were happy. But there’s a lot that wasn’t too. And my memory is horrific. I lose more and more of it every day, things are getting harder and harder to remember. So I try to live in today, to find happiness in what is happening right now and what I’ve yet to do.]
So much blue
in my days, a spattering
of white, an abstract of
emotions, painting every
choice I ever made, hope
on the deviant canvas.
But here it is, a hint
of bronze, a shimmer
of gold frost.
Can my world fill
with color? Will I ever
live shades of red?
[Vanessa. She, like many others, views the different levels of bipolar as colors. Blue for drowning. White for flying. Grey for normal. She wants to know if she’ll ever feel other emotions like normal people do. I see mine slightly different. More like weather. The sun blinding me when I’m flying. It’s a great feeling, to be warm and happy. But if you stay in the sun too long you start to burn. Kind of more like a thick fog when I’m drowning. I can’t muddle through it. And my normal is all black and white (like most other people I go to colors). ‘Normal’ emotions being slivers of colors I want to live in, to soak up, to enjoy.]
stops to blow two kisses–one
toward Tony, the other to me,
and I think maybe I could leanr
to love someone, after all.
I love the way she feels in
the curve of my arm. I love
her unpretentious beauty,
her intelligence, her nerve.
But could I ever love her?
The concept of falling in love
is completely foreign, something
I can’t bring myself to accept.
[Conner. Hit the nail on the hammer…]
Grandma once told me
it’s easy to overthink love,
to dissect and question it
until it is no more.
[Vanessa. It’s true, I think.]
The truth is, I don’t have a real
clue what love is–how to
find it, how to give it. Once
upon a time I thought I knew.
[Conner. Another hit the nail on the hammer… His view on love is pretty much exactly like mine.]
Love means holding on to
someone just as hard as
you can because if you
don’t, one blink and
they might disappear
[Vanessa, but Tony is the one saying this. I like this one. A lot. Hold on and don’t let go.]
Life is all about change.
If it were static, think
about how boring it would
be. You can’t be afraid
of it, and you can’t wory
that you’ll mess things up.
You deserve good things,
and I want to be one of them.
[Vanessa, to Tony. She’s right. Life is about change. And it would be horrifically boring if nothing ever changed. But I am afraid of it, afraid of messing things up. I want to believe I deserve good things in my life, but do I really? I want to be someone’s good thing..]
It’s like no other kiss, ever.
It wants, but does not demand.
It asks, but does not take.
It gives, and pleads for more.
It is filled with desire,
but also curiosity, and it
teaches me that a kiss
should come gift wrapped,
not stripped naked.
Most of all, it make me
want another kiss
exactly like this one.
I look into his eyes, and what
I find there fills me with hope.
He knows all my secrets,
even the worst of them.
Despite everything, he still
[Vanessa. Oh, to have a love like this <3]
If you can’t tell, Vanessa is the one I connect with the most. And Conner with his views on love. That’s all just a few small things from the book. Really, there’s so much more to it though.
So Saturday was kind of a nice hang out day with my mom. We went out to eat at Ci’s Waffle House, stuffed our faces and ate like pigs. She took Shiloh and I grocery shopping, which wasn’t exactly a ton of fun, but we always make the best of things like that. Shiloh didn’t want to go to Boardman, so we dropped him and the groceries off at the house and her and I headed back out. We went to the mall, walked around, went through most of the stores. We saw the coolest tutu for a little girl ever at one of the kids’ stores we went into, but it was really expensive. If it ever goes on sale though I am so totally buying it. Momma found an outfit for the trip her and Daddy are going on, but couldn’t find any shoes to match. I made her try on this really pretty prom dress while we were at Macy’s. I took a picture of her in it and sent it to Daddy. Both of them loved the dress, but neither wanted to pay $70 for it (completely understandable, I wouldn’t either). If it goes on sale though I can see her buying it. We went to Target and walked around, looked at all the baby stuff, tried (and failed) to find her shoes, went through some of the movies. Then we went to TJ Max and Momma got a pair of pajamas for her trip. After that we went home. It wasn’t like we did a ton of things or anything, but it was fun none the less :)
So on Sunday I hung out with Anne (Brad’s mom) and Rod (her boyfriend). Me and Anne had been texting back and forth recently and she basically adopted me and told me I was always welcome and she loved me, etc etc. So I asked her if it would be okay if I came and hung out with them and she said absolutely. So I showed up around two, sodas and snacks and movies in tow. Rod was working on the sauce for dinner so we hung out in the kitchen and just talked for a bit. We eventually migrated into the living room, where we exchanged stories and told jokes and just talked about random nonsense. Their dog, Frankie, when I first got there decided he didn’t like me. He wouldn’t stop barking at me. But after we moved to the living room he decided he loved me and wouldn’t leave me alone. Eventually Anne put him in Brother’s (their other dog) room and locked him in there until he calmed down. Dinner was going to be ready at four, but Brad called and his van died and he was going to get it towed down here and go car shopping tomorrow with Anne and his dad, so we pushed dinner back until he got there. Well, at least we tried xD We only made it until 6:30 when we were too starving to hold off any longer and started eating. Brad showed up around 7. We hung out in the kitchen for a little bit, then all of us went to the living room where we put in the movie Knight and Day to watch. Rod didn’t make it, he went to bed. Anne only made it about halfway through before she called it quits and went to bed too. Brad and I finished the movie, with him correctly predicting about half of the last half xD Totally ruined it for me :p
There must be something about me and Brad at his mom’s house lying on the couch because next thing you know … And holy shit let me tell you, that was definitely, absolutely the best, ever (well, to date anyway). There was so much heat and passion and desire and want and need and care and love in everything we did, it was amazing. And god forbid I knew Brad was strong, but to pick me up like that, multiple times throughout all that, while doing everything we were? Yeah. He must be a super hero :)
After we settled down, we started to watch the third Mummy movie (something about a dragon emperor?). But him and I were both falling asleep, so I went home and we both went to bed.
It was such a great and wonderful and amazing day <3
So yesterday I was suppose to work from 3-9. Norma texted me and asked if I could come in a little earlier, around one, since they had been doing inventory (which we apparently totally rocked) and hadn’t slept in two days. I agreed since it wasn’t that much more time to work, which they loved me for. So it was just Ally and I. She didn’t look like she was having a very good day, and she said she wasn’t really. She had told me a couple days before that her baby wasn’t growing and wasn’t in the sack, she lost him, and that she was going to have to have surgery. Poor thing. I felt so horrible. And then after a couple hours of being at work she came up from the back and said that she was bleeding. She didn’t have any money so I lent her a dollar to buy pads. Not too long after that she ran back there again. When she came back she was pale and she looked like she had just been sick and had been crying. She told me that she was bleeding a lot and that there were a ton of huge blood clots coming out too. She said she had gotten sick and had to clean that up too. She didn’t know what to do. She called her doctor and her doctor told her to go to the hospital. She wasn’t allowed to leave me alone because I’m just a cashier and she tried texting Norma and Mary, but they were sleeping and didn’t answer. She tried texting John too, but he said he was out of town. So she called Mike our regional manager, told him what was going on, just about gave him a heart attack. He told her he’d call her back. And then someone else from corporate called and said they’d call back, they were going to try to find someone to come in and close (by now it’s like 5:30-6). Since she was liable to bleed to death, Mike told her to go to the hospital and she left. She left me the keys and told me if no one showed up or if I didn’t get a call in the next hour to call Mike again and let him know. I was alone for about 45 minutes no problem when Suzy, another Family Dollar worker from up on North Hill, came in. We worked until nine and did our best closing the store. I had to get Ally to call her and give her the safe and alarm codes since I’m not allowed to know them. I’m not sure if we did it right, but oh well. I just felt so horrible, terrible for Ally. I dropped so low while all this was going on. I didn’t show it, I played cool and told her what to do and helped her out and whatnot, but I was dying on the inside. What if that were me? I could only imagine the torture she was going through. What would I do if I lost Tasselin? Like that? I mean…wow. I couldn’t do it. I’d probably be on the verge of killing myself. Or, ya know, actually killing myself. Poor Ally. The only good thing about yesterday was that I had Brad to talk to. He can always make me feel better..
So I went to the doctor’s the other day. Apparently my doctor is sorta freaked out by that guy’s prediction too, like everyone else seems to be. I don’t get why, really. But oh well. She told me to watch myself, if I started cramping a lot or the baby doesn’t move as much to give the office a call and obviously if my water breaks to go to the hospital. I had already had a few Braxton Hicks (false labor pains, usually in the form of sharp pains or cramping) contractions already. Although today I had these really bad cramps like I get whenever I’m on my period. I forgot how much they could hurt. And how much they make me want to puke >.< Lasted a couple minutes, stopped, happened again a few minutes later. I seem to be alright now, for the moment at least. Although my lower back hurts like hell, but I guess that’s really nothing new. I haven’t been sleeping well at all at night for a while now, mostly because I can’t find a comfortable position to sleep in, my back always hurts and my stomach’s always in pain. Blah. Being off is okay since I can take a nap, but working sucks. Part of the process I suppose. Little Missy is doing good though. She likes to swing off my ribs and punch my bladder and kick anything she can reach :p
Can I tell you a secret? When I first found out I was pregnant I freaked out, I didn’t know what to do. I paced the Shanty probably a hundred times and ended up in the kitchen. There was a knife on the counter and I seriously considered stabbing myself in the stomach . I spun the knife in my hands a couple times and right before I actually plunged it into myself my uncle knocked on the door. Divine intervention for those who believe in god; fate or destiny wanted her to live for those who believe in that sort of thing…
I’ve been pretty depressed lately; swimming through the fog in my head has proved difficult. Sleeping all night, taking naps in the middle of the day. Moping around the house, barely doing anything at work. Barely eating, avoiding talking to/hanging out with people. I haven’t done anything for college in over a month; I’m pretty certain I failed out of Psychology. It seems like I use too much energy just getting up and getting dressed (why I even bother half the time is a mystery). I’m a mess, I’m a disaster and it’s not going away any time soon. Not to say that my days haven’t been peppered with smiles and laughter (my brother has always been good with that; Brad too). But they’ve been far and few and taken too much energy (I think I sound like a sloth; just another deadly sin out to kill me).
I scared myself the other day. Walking through the house like a ghost, I ended up in the kitchen, staring down the knife rack and once again considering stabbing myself in the stomach because I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. The fact that Brad texted me drew my attention to my phone and once again poor Tasselin’s life was saved. I didn’t cry the first time, but boy did I bawl this time. What kind of mother wants to murder her child?
It’s funny how everything piles up on you at once. I was watching ‘That 70’s Show’ and Jackie broke up with Hyde because she wanted to know if they would ever have a future together (ya know, settle down, get married), begged him to give her a glimmer of hope, but all he would say is I don’t know. So she called it off, walked right out the door. It’s sad how much that hurts me. Want to know why? Because that’s just about all I want. I want to know that I definitely, absolutely have a future with someone. Preferably soon since I’m not a patient person when it comes to waiting. Is it possible, probable, for someone like me to fall head over heels for someone, get married, have kids, etc? I sure hope so.
And that brings me to Brad since we’re dating. We’ve been ‘secretly dating’ for three months and sorta “seeing each other” for six. Brad is a good guy – he’s a great guy. He’s way more than I could possibly hope for, especially in my situation. He’s kinda, caring, loving, sweet, cute, adorable, smart, funny, amazing, has a future ahead of him (the list goes on and on), and I love him to death. But he’s not ready to settle down and raise a kid and have a family. He’s not even really over Becky. I don’t blame him. And I don’t expect him to want to give me a ring and settle down any time soon. Maybe never. And that’s okay, really. But if he won’t, I want someone who will. And trust me I know how insane that is but I can’t help it. Though I reall don’t plan on giving up on this any time soon. It’s lovely in it’s own way and I plan on keeping it as long as I can. Just hopefully I don’t go insane and demand something from him; last thing I want is to push him away.
Although it worries me that we’re not like when we started out. We don’t talk all the time. We run out of things to say. We’re not as ‘cute’. We stopped saying rawr to each other. We don’t say we miss each other or wish that the other was here like we use to. And maybe it’s my imagination. Maybe it’s my fault. But I’m going to try not to worry about it. I’m going to believe that everything is still perfect.
Ever get that gut feeling when you know something’s about to happen? Like knowing you’re going to fail a test or that you’re going to meet someone amazing. Like how I knew I was pregnant way before I took a test. I’ve always has this gut feeling that I wasn’t going to live long, that I was going to die young. Like Edie in ‘Desperate Housewives’. Except instead of living life that way I want to, all-out and crazy, I’ve been hiding in the corner. But I’m afraid of disappointing and hurting people and how do you get over that? And now that I’ve got a baby I’m suppose to take care of and raise and I have no idea how to do that. How the hell am I suppose to be a good mother when I’ve already tried to murder her on multiple occasions (more than half of which I’ve yet to tell) and don’t want to be a mother right now? Is this any where near normal? Have I gone completely mad?
Don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.
I wonder if this is what drowning feels like. Or perhaps falling from a great height. (Can someone throw my a life preserver or give me a parachute?). I feel lost. Trapped. Hopeless. Sad. Upset. Like I’m grasping at straws and nothing is working. Maybe I should be on some sort of murder/suicide watch. On the bright side I’m rarely left alone to my own devices (is that really a good thing though?). I find it amazing how I can keep struggling through this (does anyone even notice?). Does that make me a trooper or a coward? ‘Talk to someone’ I’m sure would be the most given advice for this. But I’m really not one to share things, especially like this. Why worry someone? That’ll just make me feel bad.
I’m thinking maybe a nice long drive would be nice. Might help. Speeding down the highway, windows down, music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs, possibly crying my eyes out. Sounds just about perfect.
I don’t know where to start…
Everything is all mixed up and jumbled and mashed together and half of it doesn’t make any sense any more (if it even did at one point in time)..
But I’m going to try to slow my brain. I’m going to try to explain the chaos in my head because I need to get it all out before I burst.
I took Rascal for a walk earlier and had everything I wanted to say spilling out of my mouth. Maybe it wasn’t always logical, and maybe I cried through half the walk, but at least it was out there. Now my mind is blank. So please, try and bare with me…
I was watching Scrubs earlier today. It was the episode where Carla finds out she’s pregnant. She and Turk were both so happy about the news. ‘We’re pregnant’ they kept saying, smiling, hugging, kissing, laughing. It was joyful; a great occasion. And I realized that’s something I’m desperately missing with my pregnancy. I don’t have anyone to be excited with, to share things with. I mean, my mom is excited. But I also know she’s disappointed in me. And really it’s not the same. I don’t have that husband/fiance/boyfriend whom I was planning on spending my life with, planning on having a family with, to drag around and do things with. I can’t go up to him and be like, ‘hey, let’s go buy a crib,’ ‘let’s hash out baby names,’ ‘let’s paint the baby’s room,’ ‘let’s go to a parenting class together,’ blah blah blah, etc etc. I don’t have someone to share the joy with. It’s not the same when it’s just my mom, really, ya know? It sucks.
And at the beginning of all this, when I was really trying to murder poor little Tasselin, I didn’t know who I could tell. Who I could trust. Who would listen. Who would help. So I didn’t tell anyone. I thought maybe I could handle it on my own. I looked up abortions. Everything I could find said it’d be like $500-$1,000 to get one done. More if I waited too long. I didn’t have the money for that. And there weren’t any clinics for that kind of thing where I was at. But I did find the Pregnancy Help Center. I went in there for a test. They told me I was pregnant (like I didn’t already know from the three I had taken at home). I had to fill out paperwork (what’s my number, where do I live, how old am I, do my parents know, does the father know, what’s my relationship with him, what did I plan on doing, etc). You should have seen the look on their faces when I said I was thinking about getting an abortion, even though I don’t really believe in them. They looked at me like I was a monster. Like I was the cruelest, most hateful person in the entire world for deciding something like that. (they were all hard bound Christians too, so that didn’t help). I remember I did a lot of crying in that stupid office because of how horrible I felt. And since I didn’t have the money for an abortion, I read up on all the things you weren’t suppose to do while pregnant and did all that I could. I took prescription medication and over the counter medication as often as would be allowed. I drank a shit ton of caffeine. I drank a shit ton of orange juice. I ate a bunch of hot dogs. I stood in front of the microwave. I took scalding hot baths multiple times a day. I exercised past my limits. None of it worked (obviously). And then Alex came to live with me and told me she was going to be completely honest with me, that she was pregnant. And since she was honest with me, I was honest with her. And the jig was up. So we held each other’s hands and started telling people. And I guess even then I knew how much I was missing. Because even though Alex and her husband were having troubles, especially with this pregnancy so close to everything that happened with Cooper, they were still talking it out. The baby came first and there were things that needed to be done and decided. And I hated myself for it, but I almost wished that they wouldn’t make it, that she’d be as miserable as I was. And that’s wrong and horrible and disgusting, but it’s the truth.
And maybe someone out there is wondering why I don’t just give her up for adoption, right? Well, because I can’t do that. I can’t abort her because I definitely know she’s alive, she’s a real person. I can feel her moving and kicking and I can’t murder her like that. I can’t put her up for adoption either because I can’t live an even halfway normal life knowing that I have a daughter out there and I’m not raising her. What does she look like? Does she have my personality? Does she like to draw? Does she have a good imagination? Is she happy? Does she know she’s adopted? And the list goes on and on. I would die on the inside if she died or I tried to give her up. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
Someone else out there is probably wondering why I don’t just ask for help from someone, try talking it out. Have you ever tried to talk something any where near similar to this out with someone? Some how I highly doubt that. I’m not a very personal person, I don’t like to share. And then something this big, this crazy? Forget it. Not gonna happen. And even if I did, last thing I want is to get locked up in some crazy nut house or get Tasseling taken away because of all this. I don’t want to be on medication for any extended amount of time either. But then again I don’t want to die or kill someone.
Maybe I’m just more of a pessimistic person than I thought I was. I didn’t think so, because usually I’m always hoping or wishing or dreaming of something. And how could that be pessimistic? Maybe it’s just all these god damn hormones coursing through my body right now. I guess it also doesn’t help that I haven’t taken my pre-natal vitamins in a week. And no bananas around to help make me happy. Maybe I was right when I said I was bi-polar and I’m just stuck in a depressive phase.
Remember how I said I wanted to get an abortion even though I didn’t really believe in them? Really, I don’t. My mom and I both had the same views on this. We will always vote pro-choice, because everyone should be able to make their own decisions and it shouldn’t be illegal in cases like rape or where the mother will die for her to be able to get an abortion. But for us, we believe in pro-life. Murder is murder is murder. But then this happened to me. And as much as I still hate the idea of an abortion, the taking of a life, I could see where the appeal was now. I mean, I woke up with him on top of me, went back to sleep, didn’t believe it happened, and I ended up pregnant. I don’t want to have his baby. This wasn’t my choice. Although I can’t say I am not to blame anywhere. I did buy the stupid ticket in a manic moment, but I did tell him not to come (already tried to refund the damn thing, but he just had to come). I hated his guts at the moment (couldn’t just leave him stranded at the airport, I’m too nice for that), but I didn’t want to sleep alone when someone was so willing to cuddle with me. Can’t say I made a good life choice in any of that, so I am halfway to blame. But, still.
Is it still rape if I didn’t verbalize ‘no’? I mean, all I did was close my eyes and pretend it wasn’t happening and fall back asleep. But I didn’t want it to happen, wish it wasn’t happening. Does that still count? I don’t know. Maybe I deserved this some how.
It’s hard being here, back home. It’s hard to wake up in that bedroom. Sometimes I can pretend I’m not pregnant, ya know. Like when I first wake up in the morning and I’m still half asleep. And then she moves. And I open my eyes and I’m surrounded by baby stuff and I remember I really am pregnant. Sometimes it just feels like a dream. Like maybe I’ll just wake up one morning back at the Shanty before any of this happened and I’ll know how to avoid it. Or what to do differently. But, ya know, it’s hard to ignore a growing stomach. The back pains. The cramps. The appetite. Her moving. And all that other wonderful stuff that goes with being pregnant.
And you know what? Being here, in New Castle, I don’t think it’s any where near good for me. I feel so trapped. I can’t wait to get out of here. To run away. Maybe if I can start fresh somewhere things wouldn’t be so bad. I just gotta find a way to save a bunch of money. Maybe I’ll start playing the lottery. Who knows, I might actually win big. And then maybe I’ll move to Virginia, close to the beach. That’s not too awfully far away from here so my mom can still come visit and vice-versa. Maybe then I’ll actually be able to breathe.
Part of my problem, I think, is that I’m not getting good sleep. I wake up too many times throughout the night because she won’t stop moving or I can’t find a comfortable position to sleep in or my back hurts or whatever. I sleep all the time now because I’m always tired, but I’m not getting good enough sleep. Hopefully maybe that’ll get better soon. I guess we shall find out.
My parents were fighting again tonight. Because my dad was drunk, again. So my mom started withdrawing, again. And the while house was strained. Like walking on eggshells through a minefield. It sucked. They’re horrible role models when it comes to love. My mom’s always telling me she’s thinking about divorcing my dad. He sees nothing wrong with what he’s doing. I know it could always be worse, but still. I hate it.
I think I’ll just stop here for tonight. This is all insanity at best and I’m sure I bored everyone to death.
Yesterday was a good day.
I’m starting to feel better and think it’s because of the weather.
(Although the forecast calls for more snow)
The only hitch of yesterday was that we didn’t get to go see Timmy. We had a visit set up for one o’clock, but he pulled a stupid stunt (mixed up a concoction of ink and a bunch of cleaning chemicals and wouldn’t tell the people running the place why he did it or what it was for and started getting sassy) and he got his privileges revoked. My parents think he’s probably off his meds (typical Timmy when he’s cheeking). Hopefully he learns from this and we can see him again soon.
After we got the news, my parents and I went to Boardman and did a bunch of shopping. First Target (tissues, paper towels, and a new printer), then Sam’s Club (about a billion groceries), and back to New Castle to Giant Eagle (more groceries, mostly fruit). Came home, unloaded everything, then my mom and I went to go get our hair cut. Unfortunately the place was closed, so we went to Walgreens and kinda just piddled around. Momma decided Taco Bell would be good for dinner, so we picked some up and brought it home to eat. Then we went to Pearson Park and walked. Momma went ahead of me since I’m sorta a slow walked now. Plus I took a bunch of pictures. She walked six miles by the end, I walked four. It was nice to be out walking again. I really missed it. I can’t wait for the weather to warm up even more so we can go more often and a lot longer.
That’s all we did yesterday, really, but it was nice. Hopefully I have more days like this :)
I’ve noticed I’ve been having a lot more nightmares recently. Every night, multiple times a night. All different subjects – dying, being murdered, being raped, breakups, losing people I love, getting lost, being attacked, etc etc etc. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I’ve been in such a foul mood.
Recently I’ve also been having all these small panic attacks all time. Can’t catch my breath, trouble breathing, racing heart, chest pains, slightly dizzy, feeling panicked with no control.. Apparently it also raises my blood pressure because when I was at the doctor’s office I was having one when the nurse checked my blood pressure and she said it was high. This one time it was so bad, I couldn’t catch my breath, I thought I was going to die. It was horrible. And they just pop up out of no where. It’s not like I’m thinking about anything bad or something’s going on or anything (except the one time when I thought I might die, I was thinking of something, but that’s besides the point). I wonder how long this will keep up for. I hope it goes away soon, I really don’t like the feeling… Probably another reason why I’ve been in such a foul mood. Hopefully it changes. Hopefully.
Yesterday I thought I was doing okay. Thought I was doing better. Thought I was starting to get back to normal.
I guess I thought wrong.
The day started out okay. I had a doctor’s appointment at 11:30. I met Dr. Hurd for the first time. He’s nice, funny. I was agitated that I had to wait an hour and a half to see the doctor for only fifteen minutes, but life is life. Everything checked out okay, the baby seems fine, and everybody was nice, so all is good. I had a slight panic attack in the waiting room and then when the nurse first brought me to the exam room, but I’m getting use to them so I didn’t worry about it. Had to get the oil in my car changed after that. Only took 10-15 minutes, surprisingly, so I was back home in no time. Messed around on the computer for a little bit, watched tv. Beatnik was tonight at the library so when six rolled around I headed down there. It was slightly rocky for me at first, but Kristen and Sam and I did some small talking and doodling and it was all good. Chatted with Nichole and Jamie and Josh a little bit too. The music and poetry started and we were all having a good time. Becky and Emily showed up so we had a good little group going on. Kristen started passing everyone little notes. I absolutely loved her note to me <3 Kristen, Sam, Becky, and Josh left for a little bit to run to Dunkin’ Donuts. Emily was sitting a good ways away from me and over the music it’s hard to hear anything so we texted each other back and forth for a bit. When Mike and Alan showed up Mike gave me one of his old hats and we texted a little bit too. And everything was good. Kris, Sam, Becky, and Josh came back from DD. Listened to the music and poetry and whatnot going on. And then I don’t know what happened. I started having all those little panic attacks back to back to back and everything was just so overwhelming, I couldn’t stay there. So I left. And all I wanted to do was drive. Keep driving. Clear my hear. Calm down. Shiloh asked if I could take him to GameStop to return his game and get a new one. So I did. When we got back my dad had us do the dishes and me finish my laundry. I told him I was going for a drive and he didn’t argue. Had only one shoe on when I ran out the door. Nearly knocked into Brad and Becky on my way out. I felt kinda bad, didn’t want them to think I was avoiding them specifically. I just couldn’t face anyone. Couldn’t even look at them as I bolted. Got in my car, said screw the shoes, took the one I had had on off, and started driving. Belting out to every song on my iPod. Started down 224 towards Youngstown. Got lost. Turned somewhere. Ended up in Mahoning Valley, I think. Still lost. Turned again. Ended up through another small town. Not a clue where I was still, but I didn’t really care. The panic attacks were slowing down so I just kept singing. Ended up on a highway towards Poland/Boardman so I finally knew where I was headed. Took me a while to get there, but I made it. By the time I got there I had already been driving for over an hour. My throat was sore so I stopped singing, let the music play in the background. I wasn’t having any more panic attacks. I was just numb. Got home 20 or so minutes later. Brad and Becky were still there so I hung out in my room behind my bed until they left. Cowardly, maybe, but probably best. Went downstairs with the rest of my family, but didn’t say anything. My mom kept asking if I was okay. I kept saying yes. Decided to take a shower to warm up and get away. My parents went to bed and Shiloh went upstairs. I ignored a text from Brad and hung out downstairs for an hour or two and fell asleep on the couch.
So then today I didn’t really have any hope.
Snoozed my alarm clock for almost twenty minutes until my mom called a little after eight. She made sure I was up, told me to get Shiloh up, asked me a couple more times if I was okay, made me promise even (I hate lying in [or breaking] a promise :/ ). Piddled around, got dressed, ate, and left for work. Had to work from 9-7 today. A whole lovely, boring, long ten hours. I knew it was going to be a long day when I was only there for about twenty minutes, but it felt like an hour and a half. I still wasn’t in a very good/happy mood. But I found out it’s a lot easier to pretend to be all happy-peppy at work than anything else. Probably because it’s so repetitive. When a customer comes in: ‘Hi’ ‘Hello, how are you?’ ‘Good and you?’ ‘Good’. When they check out I scan their things: ‘Are you pregnant?’ ‘Yup’ ‘When are you due?’ ‘May first’ ‘Boy or girl, do you know?’ ‘Girl’ ‘Is this your first?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Are you excited?’ ‘Uh-huh’ ‘Aw, congratulations’. And for the regular customers that come in and already know all that all I have to do is smile and talk about the weather and let them know the baby is doing okay and listen to whatever is going on in their lives at the moment. Easy-peasy. And for my co-workers all I have to do is smile, answer questions, and throw in a smart-ass comment now and again. Not that hard either. Never thought I’d get out of there though today. I kept ignoring texts from Brad though. I didn’t know what to say, couldn’t think straight enough for that. But I felt bad for doing that. I hate ignoring people (probably because I hate being ignored). And he asked me if I was mad and I didn’t want him to think I was, and at him, so when I went to lunch I texted him back. We didn’t talk too much, and about nothing really, but I should probably thank him for talking to me. He helped lift the fog in my head. So after I went back to work for awhile and talking to him I was actually starting to feel better. And Ally helped a bit too. And when I got off and got home Shiloh helped a bit too. And before you know it I’m in a pretty good mood. Momma and Daddy came back from a restaurant and brought food back for Shiloh and I. So we ate (I had a salad and a turkey sandwich). Momma wanted me to sit down and watch some shows with her so I did. We watched The Amazing Race (not a bad show, but unfortunately for us it was cut off) and Celebrity Apprentice (not a fan of it, but my mom likes it so whatever). She was glad to see me smiling. Asked if I was okay again. I asked her how many times I had to tell her I was before she gave up. My parents went to bed and Shiloh is upstairs. I’ve got a foggy brain again, but it’s not that bad. At least I had a good day. Brad already went to bed. Before he did though he told me to dream of something happy. Hopefully I can take his advice :)
So my 15-year-old cousin texted me yesterday while I was at work. He told me he had a question for me. I like to be helpful, so I told him to ask. He told me that he was really worried, him and his girlfriend let their emotions take over a couple weeks ago and he wanted to know if she could get pregnant if he didn’t penetrate. … First off, I’m really not good with questions like this. Dos, what the fuck were they thinking? And how in the world could they have done anything anyway? … Putting that aside. I felt bad that he was so worried and I didn’t want to like give him a heart attack or something so I kinda lied and told him I’d assume not.. Not very smart on my part, I should have told him the truth: that yes, there is a possibility she could get pregnant. Plus maybe that would scare them from not doing it again. Hmm… A little bit too late now. Though I really hope everything works out for them. He’ll be 16 in March and I think she’s 15 until later in the year. They shouldn’t be having a kid any time soon. And she definitely shouldn’t have to go through an abortion or adoption or whatever. Ah, well. Everyone has lessons to learn.
You’ll never guess who I saw at work today.
A couple years ago we had these sibling foster kids: Melina (5), Misty (3), and Madison (18mo). Adorable as all get out. Nina (Melina) was motherly and protective, Misty was a total spitfire, and Madison was the cutest little thing. We had them for a year or two and we fell in love with them. Their parents were on the verge of getting clean and their mother was pregnant again. They were going to terminate their rights to Madison and we were going to adopt her. But everything worked out for them and they got all their kids back. We were happy for them, but kind of upset that we weren’t able to adopt. I usually find a way to detach myself from the kids we have so that I don’t end up with a broken-heart. But I let her get to me. And when she left, well, I wasn’t exactly the happiest of campers. Shiloh and my mom went to visit them a few times, but I refused. I knew that if I saw them I would cry. Shiloh didn’t get it, my mom understood. And now, after like four years, I see them again. When they first started walking through the door I knew they looked familiar but I couldn’t place them. And then I saw Nina. She hasn’t changed one bit. My jaw dropped, I know it did. My eyes started to water. They ran off through the store to shop and I tried not to think about it. But when they came back to be checked out I almost cried. I started to, but I made myself go and do something else to take my mind off of it. I kinda really miss them. But they all looked well, I’m happy for them.
My mom won’t stop making fun of me because my boobs have gotten bigger ¬ ¬
Sometimes she’ll just look at me and start laughing. And I’m like what do you think happens when you get pregnant? You’ve been there, you know. And she does, but she thinks it’s funny because I’m short and decently thin. So I’ve got a biggish belly and bug boobs and apparently it’s all out of proportion that it looks funny. Or at least to mom. So when she starts I just tell her to keep laughing. Although I did move up a cup size and now the majority of my bras don’t fit -_- She told me just to wait until after my milk comes in because they’ll expand even more. Grreeaat.
So, I’ve kinda sorta got a new obsession. I do stuff like this quite often, it sorta comes in fazes. Like when I was little I was obsessed at different points with Barbie dolls, Pokemon cards, anything horse or dolphin related, sea shells, Bratz dolls, etc. And then I kinda got obsessed with buying Magic cards for like two weeks. Buying anime drawing books or manga when I went to a book store. Buying clothes from Hot Topic when I had the money (still kinda slightly obsessed with this mostly because I really like their clothes). Ordering corsets on eBay. Buying matching and pretty bra/underwear sets (still slightly obsessed with this due to the fact that I don’t really have any). There for awhile buying Tic-Tacs. And now? Well now I’m obsessed with buying lingerie. I’ve bought four on eBay in the last three days. Not like I can even wear them at the moment due to the whole pregnant thing, but that doesn’t seem to stop me. I can’t wait until boxes start showing up here and my parents are wondering what I bought xD Oh, joy. I love eBay, but that’s it’s one fault. It’s makes it easy to buy whatever. And I have paypal so that makes it easy to buy things too. Not that I’m trying to pass the blame or anything, I know it’s all my fault I’m buying this stuff. I’m just saying, it makes it really easy. I should just stay off the website, but it’s kinda hard. So instead I’m hiding money from myself. Will it work or am I insane? We shall see :)
P.S. I can’t wait for my new lingerie to get here ^^
So Friday I worked 2-9. I had been talking to Brad all day, as usual. He had gotten into an accident that morning (couldn’t stop his van from sliding into the back end of a car because of the roads) which smashed up the front of his van, was on the phone all day trying to get a hold of someone to tow it, had a headache (due to his previous head trauma), tried to rent a car and got most of the way through the renting process before he was told you had to be 21, so he hitched a ride with Em’s dad down to New Castle to visit his mom and get the car. Poor thing had had a rough day. So I tried to cheer him up via text, but it’s kinda hard to do that when you can only text every once in a while. When he said he was getting ready ready to leave his mom’s house I joked and said he should come visit me and told him exactly where I worked. And lo and behold, he showed up :) He stood at the counter and we talked for a while. I introduced him to Mary since she was the only other one working (poor Norma went home when I started because she was sick). We got a small rush of people so Brad went to get some two liters (so he could say he wasn’t loitering :p) and Mary came and helped me bag. She reminded me that I still hadn’t taken a food break and asked if I wanted to go and eat so I could hang out with him for a while. So I told her as soon as the line died I would. And when Brad came up to pay I asked if he wanted to go eat with me when the line died and he said sure. So, when everyone cleared we headed out. His put his goodies in his car and I drove us to Taco Bell to eat. Nothing special, but it was nice. I ended up getting really giggly. I completely and totally blame him :p I only had a certain amount of time, so we ate kinda fast and talked up a storm and headed back to Family Dollar. He gave me a hug and a kiss in the car before he got out and I told him to be careful driving home and to have fun at drill the next day. When I came back in Mary was all smiles and asked me if he was ‘potential boyfriend’. I laughed and said maybe and she told me he was really cute. I told her a tiny bit about him and she told me about her ex-boyfriend and that’s pretty much all we talked about until we left. She said she texted Norma and told her she got to meet him and Norma asked if he looked respectable. Which Mary said yes to. Then on Saturday Norma kinda teased me about it. But it was really nice to see him :)
So I had a doctor’s appointment today. I was supposed to get tested for gestational diabetes. So before we left more my appointment I had to down this really nasty, pure sugar, orange liquid in less than five minutes with nothing to wash it down with (I had to fast two hours before that and wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything until after). I finish that and start feeling nauseous not too long after. We get to the doctor’s and I check in. It was the most crowded I have ever seen. Had to wait 20 minutes until I was called back, cutting it close to my 3:06 time I needed to get my blood drawn. I’m not a fan of needles after getting a TB shot a couple years back and the nurse stuck the needle in sideways and I got sick outside the office. So I’m all worked up and nervous and anxious and my mom is holding my hand and trying to keep me talking. The nurse sticks me and takes two tubes of blood. She tells me the worst is over and me and my mom are like not yet I still have to get that shot (I don’t remember what it’s called but if the mother has a negative blood type she has to get a shot in case the baby’s blood type doesn’t match. and I have A negative blood). She looked confused and checked the computer which said I had A positive blood and wasn’t getting the shot. My mom argued with her so she went searching. The doctor came in and talked to me about my last ultrasound and listened to the baby’s heartbeat. Then the nurse came back in and apologized for the mix-up, said the computer transferred the information wrong and she would have to take more blood -_- So she sticks me in my other arm, my mom trying to keep me talking again, and draws another tube. So I got poked in both arms and now have bruises. They’re already kinda sore so I can’t wait to see how bad they get tomorrow. Plus I have to go to work in the evening. And tomorrow I have to to the hospital and get that lovely shot all by my lonesome T.T Now I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday and my next doctor’s appointment for the Monday after that. Now that I’m getting closer to the due date I have to go in every two weeks. Except instead of seeing Dr. Tate like I always do, I have to see a guy doctor o.O The girl who scheduled me promised I’d love him, but I’m really not a fan of guy doctors. No offense. It’s just weird.
I have to be the absolute worst mother ever. Seriously.
I don’t want to be pregnant anymore…
I’m sitting here. In my room. By myself. Bawling my eyes out. Feeling horrifically guilty. And terrible. And horrible. Like complete and total shit. And like the worst person in the world.
Because I never wanted this. I never wanted to be pregnant at the age of 18. And definitely not if I wasn’t madly in love with the guy and getting married. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to be raising a kid at my age, in my position.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired and depressed all the time. This can’t be normal, or healthy, for a pregnancy.
So Wednesday I had to go get my shot. All by my lonesome. Started heading out the the hospital, but had to turn back around because I forgot my paperwork. It’s a good thing I left a little bit early, I guess. Went back out, speeding, and just made it on time for the appointment. Waited a good thirty minutes before the nurse came and got me. She took me back to a room and I informed her of my fear of needles. She told me I’d be just fine, then said to lay on my side because I was getting the shot in my hip (apparently I don’t have enough meat on my arm for a shot like this, or at least that’s what she said). Weird. Very weird. But I did as I was told and she asked me questions to take my mind off of it. The only thing I didn’t like as that she asked if I were ready so I knew when it was coming. It didn’t hurt too much going in, but it stung coming out. And it was the weirdest feeling because it was cold going in. She made me wait around in the waiting room for ten minutes in case I had a reaction, but thankfully I didn’t.
Since I had to work 2-9 and it was only 11 and I didn’t feel like going back home (since I would just have to leave soon anyway) I decided to do some driving around. I went back to New Castle, stopped in at Wal-Mart (mostly because I really had to pee), stopped by the Salvation Army (half-off day, where I found a pair of brown flats, a red dress I can’t wait to be able to fit back into, and two really cute tops for little Missy). I still had plenty of time to kill so I drove. I ended up in Shenango and went down where our old house was. Not much has changed on the street at all. I picked out all the houses where I knew who lived in them (our old house, Emily’s house, Alex’s house, Mr. Keen the Jelly Bean’s house, Chelsey’s house, Joey’s house, etc). And boy the memories that came back with doing that! Playing hide-and-go-seek around the neighborhood, trying to snowboard down the little hill, running into the telephone pole when we were sledding, making an ice volcano on the back porch, playing Bayblades in the garage knocking down empty Pepsi bottles, riding my bike with no hands down the big hill, Mr. Keen the Jelly Bean on his unicycle, sleeping over at Emily’s house, Joey’s over-decorated house on every holiday, the first time I dyed my hair blond and my mom told me I looked like Draco Malfoy, and the list goes on and on. It was nice to see the old neighborhood. But it was sad to think of all the things I remembered and all the things I missed. I wasn’t there for very long, maybe five minutes, and I headed back out.
I still had like thirty minutes until work so I drove up around where AJ’s (from work) fiance’s grandma lives (why do I know that? because I dropped her off there one night) and I saw the absolute coolest thing of my life! Well, slight exaggeration, but it was really cool. I was driving down the road behind this car when the car slowed to a near stop. Obviously I slowed down too, but I couldn’t out why at first. And then I saw them. There were a group of deer jumping out of the wooded area to our left across the street into the wooded area on our right. It was so cool! I’ve never seen deer like that before. The car in front of me was barely crawling, good thing too because two more groups of deer jumped out a couple seconds later. We were in the clear after that. It as epic :)
So I had an ultrasound yesterday (yes, on Valentine’s Day). It was the follow-up to the last ultrasound we did to see if the cyst was still in her brain. My mom, my grandma, and I all went. We didn’t tell Grammy about the cyst, we just thought maybe she’d like to come and see her first great-grandchild. And she absolutely loved it. She thought it was so neat since she’s never seen an ultrasound done before. I’m glad she liked it :) The doctor said she’d call me back sometimes today or tomorrow after they get the results, so I’m waiting to hear back from them. Hopefully everything is okay and the cyst is gone and there aren’t any other problems or anything. But here’s the couple pictures they gave me:
I love the picture of her foot ^^
Beatnik just happened to fall upon Valentine’s Day this year. Miss Sharon was very excited about this fact and told people who were playing to play something in the way of a love song. Or, if you’d rather, an anti-love song. I guess she was trying to kinda do like a love stinks type thing too for those who don’t like Valentine’s Day (which happens to be the majority of the population, especially the teenagers who happen to go to the library). We didn’t exactly stick to that, but there were a lot of love songs. Two girls played American Honey by Lady Antebellum and another song about love through God. Dan played something on the piano I’ve never heard before and him and one of the girls did a song together (him on piano, her singing). Josh came and played two original songs from his band and My Friends Over You by New Found Glory. Another girl read two poems, one in honor of mothers and the other about love. Ryan played a couple songs on the guitar. Tommy played a couple songs on his yukalaylee. And Miss Sharon sang two songs while Kurt played on his guitar. All in all it was a good Beatnik. Sam and I talked through most of it like we always do. Although this kid named Tristan sat in front of us and talked to us the whole time he was there. This is about the third time I’ve met him, but I don’t really anything about him except he talks a lot xD Miss Sharon tried to get me to take some pizza home, but I told her how my dad had made three pizzas the night before so we were set. So instead she made me take home a box of cupcakes. Nichole tried to give me a bunch of cookies to take home too but I managed to sneak away before she gave them to me.
Interesting though, at the end of Beatnik Dan came over and talked to me for a bit. He asked if I was coming to the next Beatnik and that he was thinking about bringing his accordion and playing that. I told him if I didn’t have to work I would definitely be there and that I would love to hear him play the accordion again since he hasn’t done it in so long. We did a little bit of small talk then he had to leave so we said our goodbyes and he went on his way. It’s interesting because that’s the first time we’ve ever really said anything to each other besides hello and goodbye. I’m wondering if it had something to do with a post I put on Facebook a while back. It was something like: What would you say if I told you I adore you? Miss you? Want you? Need you? Hate you? Love you? Would it even make a difference? Would you stop and listen? He replied to that saying that yes he’d listen and if I ever wanted to talk he’d hear me out. And I told him thanks and I adored him. Which is true. Because he’s amazing and very sweet. But like I said, maybe that’s why he suddenly decided to talk to me. But, who knows?
Anyways. Good Beatnik. I look forward to the next one :)
Last couple days haven’t been very good for me. Starting on like Friday or Saturday I’ve had a runny/stuffy nose, sore throat, swollen tonsils, headache, head congestion (is that a real thing? like, lots of pressure in my head), sneezing, and coughing. I haven’t been able to sleep very well because of it (I can’t sleep if I can’t breathe through my nose. I have this fear that I’ll suffocate or something so my body automatically jerks awake). I do a lot of in and out dozing than actual sleeping. I’ve been using a Vicks humidifier at night, rubbing myself down with Vicks, and using nasal spray. Plus blowing my nose about a google and one times (which hurts my head). But it hasn’t really been helping at all and yesterday and today have been the worst of it. I got up at 5:30 when my mom was up for work and she told me to call off and go to the doctors instead because I wouldn’t survive work. So I went back to bed and napped until 8. I called the store and told AJ I wasn’t coming in and then called and left a voicemail and texted Norma and told her too. Made an appointment for 10:30 at my family doctor. Got there early, they saw me early, and the doctor said that I had allergies and an upper viral infection. She said I should keep doing what I’ve been doing (Vicks, nasal spray, humidifier), get lots of fluids and rest, and call my OB/GYN to see what kind of medicines I could take. If it didn’t get better soon, then to go back and see her. I thanked her, she gave me an excuse for work, and I headed back home. I called my OB/GYN and they said I could take Robitussin, Mucinex, Sudafed, Tylenol or extra strength Tylenol. The only thing we had at home was Sudafed so I took some of that and will continue to take it as often as allowed on the box, rest, drink, Vicks, and spray and hopefully will be better by like Thursday. One, I don’t want to miss work again. And two, I refuse to let this beat me and ruin my weekend plans. Onward march to getting better!
So I finally heard back from the doctor. Good news, the cyst in her brain is completely gone and all is looking well. Yay!
So I worked on Thursday (thank goodness for being better!). Ally and I were the only ones working. It wasn’t a bad day. Just really long. And very tiring. As we were closing though, we ran into a lot of trouble. We were all set and walking out the door like three minutes after nine. As we were leaving, we checked the doors like we always do to make sure they were locked. Well, one of the doors is broken. We have a sign on it that says not to use it, but apparently people can’t read. And that day just happened to have a lot of people who decided to use the door. Lo and behold the broken door would not lock. We tried and tried and tried, but nothing was working. We accidentally set off the alarm so corporate called and then the police drove by, but we explained what happened and they took off. We tried calling Mary and Norma and eventually got a hold of Norma who said she’d call back. John showed up not too long later all pissed off because corporate called him. He couldn’t the door closed either. John sent me home shortly after he got there. He said there was no reason for me to be there and nothing I could do so I might as well escape. So I left. It was about 9:30 or so by the time I got out of there. I’m still not quite sure what happened or how the problem got solved, but I guess I will figure it out when I go to work on Tuesday. I feel bad for Ally and John though. I hope they weren’t there too long.
So Friday I woke up around nine, did my morning routine, and found a small list of chores my mom left me to do. So I started my laundry, started my packing, checked on a few things online, and did my chores. Got a text from Brad around 12:30 or so saying that he just left his mom’s house, was heading home, and I could come over now. I still had to wash Rascal so I told him I’d leave shortly, and did when I was done. I stopped at Wal-Mart, picked up some juice and soup and cookies, took some money out of the ATM for tolls, picked up a pretzel for lunch, and headed to Pittsburgh. Got stuck in traffic for a bit, but finally made it there around 3:30. Since Becky and Emily were going to a convention this weekend, Brad and I had the apartment to ourselves. He showed me a few things about spiders on cracked.com, we hung out for a bit, messed around and whatnot, and then around 6 or so we left and went to a Magic tournament. I made Brad drive since I had no idea where we were going, we just took my car. Which he is definitely not good at driving xD We drove through a Wendy’s on our way for dinner and went to a place called Legions. I still don’t know enough about Magic to play so I just watched (and barely kept up). Brad lost his first match to a deck his just wasn’t made to beat, won the next two in no time flat, and lost the last one (although possibly because the guy might have cheated. we have our suspicions). We met this guy named Dan who just so happened to be the head of main events of security for Tekko. He’s an really cool guy, very funny. He told us a bunch of stuff about Tekko, had us check out the podcast, told us stories, etc. It was great. I don’t remember what time we got home, probably around 11 or so. We hung out in the living room for a bit. He got on the computer and I ended up falling asleep on the couch. I woke up around 1 or 2 or so, all covered up (awww). I got up, changed into my pj’s, went to Brad’s room and went back to sleep.
We slept in until noon on Saturday. Well, I woke up around 9 and stayed awake for a couple hours and then fell back asleep, but we didn’t get up until noon. We took turns taking showers, Brad messed around on the computer and I drew/wrote in my notebook. We went to Golden Corral around 2:30-3 to eat lunch and boy was it crowded. When we got home we started on a Lord of the Rings marathon. Brad made me watch them since I had never seen them (well, my uncle made me watch the first one, but you can’t watch the other two without that one, so, yeah) and he played on the computer. I ended up taking two short naps throughout the movies, but come on, nine straight hours is a long time to go. Finished those a little after 2 and made Brad watch Clockstoppers since he had never seen that movie. We were cuddling on the couch and I ended up falling asleep for the better half of the movie. When that was over, at about 4 in the morning, we finally headed to bed.
Brad had set his alarm for a little bit after ten since I had to be home by noon. Apparently though I’m not allowed to sleep in anymore. I was awake around eight and got out of bed around 9:30, took a shower, and packed up. Brad woke up when the alarm went off and came out into the living room, where he got on the computer while I finished packing. I snuck off to his room and left him a few things I had gotten him for Valentine’s Day (small stuffed animal, a happy Valentine’s Day note, Hershey kisses, and a picture I drew). Corny, absolutely. Dumb, yes. But hey, whatever, I wanted to get him something. I also left his sweatshirt so he could hopefully wear it a few times and give it back. I left shortly after that seeing as it was 10:30 and I still needed to get gas and withdraw some money.
I really regret not kissing him goodbye before I left. I can’t believe I did that. I always had this thing: always kiss me goodnight (or if we couldn’t kiss due to distance, always say goodnight, sweet dreams, etc), always kiss me goodbye. You know, just in case. So, yeah. Hm. Anyways, this weekend didn’t turn out how I thought it would. Not that I was expecting anything specific or romantic or anything at all really. It’s just… I don’t know. I figured it would be happier, more time spent ‘together’, magical or something (that sounds really dumb and pathetic, doesn’t it?). Oh, well. Can’t change it now. I was really disappointed in the way we were together though.. I mean, there were good moments. Friday was a good day (until bed). Saturday after he got off the computer and joined me watching movies on the couch, that was nice too. But we didn’t like cuddle or anything when we went to bed like we usually do. I mean, granted, when I went to bed Friday night he was already in his room asleep. But usually we end up coming together in the night. He cuddled his pillow instead. And Saturday I made sure we fell asleep with me lying on his chest. But after that he used the blanket as like a shield between us. Friday we had sex before we headed out to the tournament and it was good, it was nice. But the other times we had sex it was so impersonal. We didn’t look at each other, we didn’t kiss, we barely even touched. When we were done, he rolled over and away (the exception being Saturday night, although we didn’t have sex we just messed around). And Sunday morning we had the blanket between us. It was just so blah :/
So today we got to visit Timmy. It was nice. We brought shells (my dad’s favorite meal to cook and Timmy’s favorite meal to eat) and garlic bread. He talked a lot, but that’s Timmy for you :p He told us all about everything that goes on where he’s living (the people, school, chores, schedule, etc etc). After we ate and talked a lot and asked a ton of questions we all sat around and played Uno. The cards were sucky, but the games and conversations were a ton of fun. We brought him a bunch of his stuff (clothes, books, etc) and checked them in to be put through inventory. We said our goodbyes and parted our ways. It was really nice to see him :)
So my mom was making fun of my weight the other night >.<
I was wearing this old pair of sweatpants (yay me for not doing laundry) and it has a tight waist with a string in it (which was tight on me before I was pregnant). I lifted up my shirt to ask my mom if I had a scratch on my back and she saw some pudge where the waist was digging in and couldn’t stop laughing about it. She thought it was hilarious that I was getting ‘a little fat around the edges’ -_- Thanks, Mom. Love you too..
Went to work on Thursday, it was just Ally and I, and mostly a slow day. This older lady comes in sometime in the evening, says she just peed herself, so she buys a package of underwear and a pair of pants. She wants to know if one of us will cut it because it’s way too long for her. Ally wouldn’t do it because she didn’t want to get yelled at by the lady if she cut it wrong so she made me do it. She showed me wear to cut it and I did. She left and came back about ten minutes later holding the pants up. They were still too long. She stood in the corner of the store and told me to cut it shorter, so I did. Then told me to cut a slit in the elastic waist because it was too tight on her stomach, so I did. Then she had the nerve to sit there and complain about how nobody ever does anything for her and blah blah blah. You’re welcome lady for cutting your pants for you when I definitely didn’t have to and for doing it without complaining. People can be so unappreciative.
You know the red ring of death right? (xbox, duh) Yeah, okay, so at work yesterday I got the red screen of death on my cash register. Some guy swiped his card and then all of a sudden it said sending error report and then the screen went completely red and the register died. So I had to call Mary over to reboot it (which she had to do three times) and I took our growing line of customers over to the other register. And then that register didn’t want to let anyone use credit or debit so Mary had to reset the card machine. And then the computer locked so Norma had to unlock it. After almost fifteen minutes Mary got my register to work again, so I went back over there. And then the other register started acting up. She worked on that one for a little bit and it all went back to normal. I blame the guy’s card. Poor register. At least it was fixable.
After I got home from work on Saturday, my parents were getting ready to head to bed. My mom went up to take her shower and my dad decided to play a joke on her and put pillows in their bed, turn on the fan, and turn off the lights like he went to bed without her. He came back downstairs and turned off the computer and all the lights and whatnot and was listening for her to get out of the shower, when he was going to hide in the dining room while she told me goodnight until she went upstairs and he was gonna sneak up there. I’m not sure where the whole joke thing was in all this, but he was halfway drunk so I didn’t say anything. Anyway, while he was waiting on her we were downstairs listening to music from the 80’s. I was lying on the couch waiting to take my shower and he was dancing around to the songs. He started slow dancing by himself to this one slower song and all of a sudden he was like: now you gotta throw in one of these! And he turned around and started pretending like he was making out with someone. Oh my god, I don’t know if I’ve ever laughed so much in my life! xD I just about died. And he couldn’t stop laughing either, so we didn’t hear Momma come out of the bathroom and he got caught before he could play his prank. It was great :)
And then my mom decided to come over to me, kneel down, and start talking to my tummy to Tasselin (yes, that’s definitely what I’m naming her). And I don’t mean she stood there staring at my stomach and just talked. No, she put her face right up against my stomach and started talking. I’m a very ticklish person too, so I couldn’t stop laughing. She was like: I want her to recognize my voice; When she gets out she’ll be like, oh crap it’s that darn Nene again xD Lovely. Just lovely. I knew I loved them for something :)