In case you guys haven’t noticed. Because I haven’t written anything in almost two months and I don’t even know where to start because my life is so crazy. Seriously.

I guess we start with the last post, ‘doubts’. I think with my personality (overthinking and anxiety-riddled, to start) I will probably at least doubt a little bit forever because I can’t help but to question myself always and dissect everything until I come up with at least 5 good reasons why this is wrong and will never work. Not just with Brad and I, but literally with everything in my life because that’s how I roll. I am, however, trying to be way more open with the way my brain works and everything that happens to go on in there with Brad which has to be a step in the right direction. And from the last post I left him a note with all my feelings and it took him like three days to respond, but he wrote me his own note and printed it out and left it for me which made my heart melt a bit and put everything back in it’s place. There was a few things left out, but I’m sure we can manage them together.

Beyond that my memory is shit so actually telling you things that happened in order and whatever is never going to happen. We did some stuff in July. I stopped working at UPMC because my temp position was up and started working for MedSave again. My mom forgot Tasselin was supposed to come one weekend and so she didn’t show up and I didn’t say anything so Brad and I just chilled. I remember we had plans for the next weekend but I couldn’t tell you anymore what those plans were. I think July is when Ashley (my maid of honor) came over to my house for a couple hours to talk about wedding things, but only did so for the first fifteen minutes and after that talked about other random things and I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to talk about wedding things. The weekend of the 25th Tasselin came to spend the weekend. The following weekend I went down for five days and babysit all three children while my mom and dad took a trip to Boston. They had fun. The kids loved the fact that I was there. I brought Brad and my laundry to do so I didn’t have to spend a bunch of money at the laundrymat. I was bored a lot and we didn’t leave the house because I didn’t have any money. My mom gave me $100 for doing it, but my dad didn’t know that. It was alright. Brad had drill that weekend so he didn’t get to chill as much as he hoped. The second weekend of August we had Tasselin again. Brad ran off to play Distopia Rising for the whole weekend and I wanted to kill him because he not only left me alone with Tasselin the whole weekend (when I had just dealt with all the kids a few days before and he didn’t have to), but also because I had to clean the whole house from top to bottom while watching her and all by myself because we decided we had to move out because we couldn’t afford the rent by ourselves and Phil fucking stiffed us with not moving in and the landlord was going to show the house that Sunday and it was a wreck and I also had to start packing up our shit by myself. I didn’t want to talk to him when he came back for two days. We looked at some nearby houses/apartments for rent but didn’t really like what we saw. The following weekend (of the 15th) he ran off to play in a Team event at a Magic tournament with some friends at Mr. Nice Guys. He told me how great I was at least a dozen times for letting him go. I told him it wasn’t as bad since I didn’t have Tasselin and didn’t have to clean, but I still resented him a little bit for doing so because it hurt my feelings that he would rather leave me alone so much than not go once even though I told him it was okay. I only did so because I know Magic is his dream and that’s something I can support and get behind and he was so hurt thinking he couldn’t go I didn’t want him to be so sad. It still hurt though. So I went with my mom all day Saturday to look at houses/apartments in New Castle and Ellwood City to rent. I told my mom that Brad was celebrating Phil’s birthday with him instead of the truth because neither of my parents like the fact that he plays Magic (or Pathfinder or anything else we like to do as hobbies, really) and I didn’t want a big lecture on how we were throwing away money. He did very well, going 4-1, but was forced to drop because the rest of his team did too badly (2-3 total for the team). It costed us nearly twice as much for him to go than we originally thought (which was already too much) and I cried when he said they wouldn’t be bringing anything home. They came home late Sunday which pissed me off a bit because we could have spent the day together but instead I barely saw him before bed. The other two people he went with made him a bit depressed with how young they both are and yet how they are making three times as much as he is with great jobs and able to go wherever they want and do whatever they want. His level of jealousness and depression when he came back scared me. Last weekend we had Tasselin again. We had a good time with her and behaved well. Friday we watched movies and hung out. Saturday we went to the mall and a couple other places, then to New Castle so Brad could talk to someone about jobs, and spent the night at Brad’s mom’s house (without her there). Sunday we went to Four Seasons and then hung out with his grandma. We took her to see the apartment we were going to rent (Brad’s first time as well) and signed the lease. Neither of us are happy about moving to New Castle in the slightest but with our money situation the way it is (and the fact that my mother is willing to continue to pay for all of Tasselin’s daycare if we moved down there, because she wants us to be closer) we kind of had to. We dropped Tasselin off and came home after that. Some time this past month Morgan and Brittney came over and did my make up trial. It turned out really well, even though Morgan was scared as hell to do anything, haha. We decided on a subtle lips but dramatic eyes look that seems to really go together and make me happy. They were super excited to come over, asked a bunch of really great questions, were really enthusiastic about all the wedding stuff (and even asked to see everything I had so far!). It was a really nice time with them and I hope we can do similar hanging out more often. This week we talked to both of our Pathfinder groups we play with (Tuesdays at Jake’s, and Thursdays at our house) about what we were going to do after we moved. Tuesday’s game didn’t really like what we had to say (Jake was pissed at us for moving so far away when he offered us his house). No one wanted to play online (Kevin liked getting out of his house too much and Mike apparently hates the website Roll20) so we agreed to play Labor Day weekend, for now, and that we would just have to try and find a day to play monthly or every other week or something that would fit everyone’s schedules. I have a feeling this game may fall apart soon. Thursday’s game however took the news a lot better and everyone is willing to sign up and play through Roll20 online so we can keep the game going strong. This game should last a long time and we should have lots of fun with it. We’ll probably eventually get around to doing “bonus” games where once a month or every couple months we still get together and play in person at like Shiloh’s house or something. I’ve been fighting with our wedding guests to get in their RSVPs since it’s getting so close and I need to fucking know, but out of the 180 people we invited, 60 still haven’t answered and I’m getting pissed off. I tracked a bunch down on Facebook and asked them with a few replies and a few I’ll let you knows, but a lot still being ignored. Most of them are actually Brad’s side of the family whom we have to wait to wait to hear back from his Aunt Wheeze or his mom to know and it’s killing me because I don’t like the waiting and I really need to start getting the place cards made and let the caterer know how much food to make. I already had to give Aspen Manor a ballpark number because they needed to know for chairs and this is really driving me nuts. Other aspects of wedding are bothering me as well including but not limited to: having still never spoken to the caterer, Brad’s mom having still not paid for the photographer (and at this point we probably won’t have one and that gives my anxiety so badly it’s hard to even breathe right now as I type this), us not being able to afford the massages I was hoping to get the day before to relax, my bridesmaids not having bought their dresses yet (expect Morgan) and so therefore has not given me their waist measurements to make the sashes, my Youtibe downloader not working so I can’t finish the playlist for the reception, the ring box not being stained or having a pillow, not having the slightest clue how to make a wedding day schedule and what responsibilities to give to the wedding party, not having a weeding party or bachelorette party because who the fuck knows but I guess I’m not getting any of those fun times or bonus presents and that saddens me, not being able to properly plan or book the honeymoon, probably not going to be able to afford to get my hair permed again, Brad not being entirely helpful, etc. I swear I’m going crazy.

To do all this moving to New Castle that we can’t afford, Brad’s sister Dawn was to write us a check for $1,000 from the life insurance of their dad (she was going to write us and Kelly a check, not just us). She said this almost three weeks ago. When we didn’t get anything two weeks ago we called Chuck. Over the course of five days. None of which he answered or called back. Last week I had Brad message Dawn on Facebook instead. She told him that Chuck didn’t tell her that we wanted the money. She would send it out to us. Yesterday we still hadn’t received it in the mail so I told Brad to ask both of them when they sent it out in case it got lost in the mail (like a lot of our response cards to the wedding apparently). Chuck didn’t answer. Dawn answered Facebook and said she sent it out Thursday and we should get it Monday or Tuesday. … I was furious. We’ve asked for this for 3 weeks (it wasn’t our idea, it was hers, we just agreed to it because it happened to happen at a great time!). She said she would send it out when we talked to her Sunday and come to find out she didn’t send it out until Thursday (if that’s even true, how do we even know?!). Brad asked if her or Chuck could instead meet us in New Castle with a new check and we would just shred the one from the mail when it came because we were hoping to move this weekend and needed it to do so. She said they couldn’t because they were just up and their schedule is too full and we should have met them down there during the week last week and got it when it was good for her because it was just too much to keep going down there and she’s just too busy to help us out. Brad explained to her that we needed the money to move out because we couldn’t afford it otherwise and that we had to be out by Monday so if the check didn’t come until Tuesday we wouldn’t even be able to get to it because we wouldn’t be living here and we would be homeless until we could get it and deposit it and give it to the new landlord (which I told Brad meant we were already setting a horrible impression that we wouldn’t have the money before the first). Dawn told Brad that she was just too busy and that we should just stay in this house we’re currently in to not be homeless regardless of the fact that we weren’t supposed to be living here after that day because they did it once and it turned out okay and she didn’t know what else to tell us. So, no she wasn’t going to help us. She didn’t care if we would essentially be homeless. She encouraged us to break the rules of our lease and the law and squat in this house after our move-out date and hope for the best. I cried on the floor of the living room for a good while until I went upstairs and laid in bed. Brad came up to check on me an hour later when he finally realized that I wasn’t a) packing like we were supposed to be (which I was pissed at him about because instead of starting to pack like he promised he started playing games on his computer) or b) coming back downstairs and I told him that no I wasn’t okay and this situation wasn’t okay. He left me alone. I took a four hour nap I didn’t mean to take. After I woke up we decided that we would just have to give the landlord a hot check and hope for the best because I wasn’t willing to break the law (and squat in this house) or make a bad impression (by not having the money to move into the new place until after we were already supposed to have moved in). We moved our moving date from Saturday (today) to Monday. I set up a time to meet the landlord to exchange the check for the keys (3pm). I booked the uhaul to be picked up Monday up here and dropped off Tuesday in New Castle. And even though it’s getting super late already (because we stayed up until almost 4am last night and even though I can get up to an alarm at 9am apparently Brad is having too much trouble) Brad and I plan to finish packing up the house today (and probably tomorrow because he’s lazy and there’s a lot to do). Shiloh is going to come over probably tomorrow and go through his stuff as well and we’ll start taking his stuff to his apartment. Now all we have to do is find some friends to actually help us move on Monday (with it being a weekday and it being so late to ask anyone I have a feeling it’s not going to happen and we’ll have to shell out more money we can’t afford to hire people to help us).

And I guess we’re all caught up now.

Bad Luck Debunked

Last night I asked Brad:

Do you ever wonder if the reason we have bad luck is because superstitions are actually real and we did a bunch of them, like breaking a mirror or spilling the salt, when we were kids without correcting them and now we’re paying for it with multiple 7+ years of bad luck?

Asking the real questions, here.


I’ve been having a lot of doubts about marrying Brad. Both doubts that I should marry him and doubts that he wants to marry me. It’s very unsettling. I mean, if I’m going crazy over this three months before the wedding what will I be like the day of? I keep worrying that it’s not the right thing to do. Like, how do you know if you’re meant to be with someone forever like this? I think I lot of people would argue that the fact that I’m questioning such a thing means that it obviously isn’t right. But I’m a ball of emotions and a ball of logic at the same time and I guess I’m just thinking too much about this with my brain and not my heart. I think I haven’t really been feeling much lately and so my head is taking over where my heart should be telling me what’s right. Apparently it’s on vacation or something.

Anyway, I’ve been worried a lot that he doesn’t actually want to marry me. I’ve been worrying because he isn’t an emotional person and doesn’t tend to share his feelings. I’ve been worrying because I still go back to the night I asked him and remember how damn long it took for him to actually answer and maybe he wanted to say no but was afraid of upsetting me or that I’d leave him if he did. I’ve been worrying because he never wants to help with the wedding planning or decision making and it drives me nuts because I didn’t want a wedding in the first place (just to get married in a park or whatever and take pictures) but he did for his family so we are and he won’t help. I’ve been worrying because I’m worried about Tasselin and my feelings towards her and his feelings towards her and how I don’t know what he really thinks about her because he never says and is it right to get married if he doesn’t talk about her? Will he really put her needs in front of ours because that’s what you do with children and I’m afraid he’s not ready and will be so overwhelmed because we both usually are on the short weekends when she’s here. I’ve been worried because he won’t express his emotions to me on a daily basis about anything so how do I know his love for me is real? Why can’t he just tell me what he’s thinking and feeling about anything, anything at all? I’ve been worried because Cam has been putting thought into my head about his love for me and how he would do Tasselin and I both right and at least he fucking talks about her. And at least he talks about making love to me and fucking me when I can barely get Brad to ever have sex with me anymore. And at least he’s trying. Brad doesn’t try anymore, if he ever really did at all. And I know I shouldn’t listen to Cam because it’s probably his plan for us to fall apart but I do love him too and it’s hard not to listen to all that when it’s all stuff I’ve thought about too. Sometimes I think Brad’s just marrying me because I asked him and I’m here and it’s easier and I take care of everything and not because he truly loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I worry so goddamn much that I’m just not enough for him. He’s never happy.. I don’t know if that’s life or if that’s because of me and I’m scared to find out. I want him to want to love me forever and I’m worried I’m just convenient for him and that five years down the line he’s going to leave me for someone else who actually makes him happy and I’m going to be lost and alone and unloved. Or maybe five years down the line he’ll just resent his life and me because I make all the decisions, but that’s because he refuses to do so. But maybe that’s his plan so he has someone to blame later, I don’t know. I want to be with him. But I want him to be happy. And if him being happy means that he’s not with me, well, I guess I’ll have to find a way to live with it because I love him.

I left him a lengthy note on his computer to find later that has a bunch of these things (comments, questions, worries, etc). I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.

Once again it’s been a while since I’ve written and there has been so much that has happened it’s hard to get it all out. I’m tired of apologizing to random people reading this, to the ‘diary’, even to myself every time this happens. I know this isn’t a blog that will be updated daily or even weekly or even possibly when something important happens. I’m okay with that because I know it’s no one’s fault but my own. So I’ll just update this when I feel like it and hopefully that’s enough.

So starting in May, not much happened in that month. Brad and I took a random weekend trip to West Virginia just for the hell of it. We were supposed to stay in a hotel with a jacuzzi tub in it, but hotels.com screwed that up for us and we ended up in a hotel that was hosting at least one wedding and was very crowded. They did however give us credit for the mix up so that was very nice. The hotel itself had a pool, but it was overfilled with children and we didn’t end up swimming. We did end up exercising together for around 45 minutes while waiting and hoping the pool cleared. We went to the mobile house place we stop at all the time down and looked at a few of them. We were a little disappointed that a couple of them weren’t put together but there were two that were really nice looking. We also went on a tour of a beautiful cavern not too far from where we were staying. We wanted to go white water rafting but it was a little too expensive and we weren’t particularly prepared for it. The cavern however was wonderful and we got some very nice pictures. The tour guide was amazing and funny and very knowledgeable and I would recommend it to anyone. At the end of May Brad’s dad got incredibly sick insanely fast. He kept telling Wheeze that he wasn’t going to make it to his birthday (May 26th) and so Brad called off work that day and went down to visit him. As it turned out, that was the last day he was even a little conscious. He died two days later. Brad got the call at like 8 or 9 at night. He came down to tell me and completely lost it upstairs while I tried to calm him and pack our bags. I drove us straight down there. Brad cried in the car too for a little bit and eventually took a little nap. His grandma called me right before I left because his mom was losing it too. She wanted to warn me. I told her that I was taking care of Brad and that after we went to Dave’s house we would go to her house too and I would make sure they were both okay. We got there and mostly everyone was there already. Everyone was in tears. Dawn (Brad’s youngest older sister) was an absolute mess. Wheeze showed Brad into the living room to say his final goodbyes. She asked if I wanted to go too, and I think I offended her when I said no, but I knew if I saw him I would cry and I was trying to be so strong for Brad that I just didn’t think it was a good idea. Brad caught up a bit with his cousin while we were there. His mom eventually showed up to say her goodbyes to him because even though they’ve been divorced for a while now she still loved him. Unfortunately for some reason half of the family hates her and so she wasn’t very well received. We tried not to stay too much longer than that. I went with Anne back to her house and unloaded all of our stuff. Brad came by about an hour later. His mom got us both completely hammered while we talked a bit. She kept filling both of our glasses nearly full with just a drop or two of soda and then kept topping us off as well. So we went to bed. Brad and I started having sex but he literally fell asleep on top of me about thirty minutes in so I went to bed as well. The next day his sisters and Wheeze and us all went to go meet with the funeral director. It was somber but we made jokes to keep it light. We answered questions and found a nice picture of Dave to use for everything. We got it together and made the arrangements. The funeral wouldn’t be until Tuesday June 2nd so Brad and I decided just to leave the net day and come back again the following week. We both took the Friday and the whole next week off. Brad really should have taken a little more time. His sisters went out to eat and we ran around and personally told a few people about the funeral that Brad thought should know. We met up at Dave’s house to start going through some of his stuff. Mostly just his coins because we didn’t want to leave them lying around in an empty house to get stolen. Turns out Kelly and Buddy had already changed the locks to the house the night before and were the only ones with a key. Which was ridiculous. And then we found out a bunch of the coins were missing and Kelly blamed Wheeze first, then Brad (how the fuck dare she) and finally the other sister who’s name I cannot remember at this moment. Brad, Dawn, Chuck, Wheeze, and I all believe Kelly is the one who stole them since she was here just a couple days prior to Dave’s death and Dave told Brad she took a few boxes. Honestly, after those couple days I absolutely hated Kelly with such a passion that it took everything in me not to punch her in her goddamn face. She argued over the insurance money and the house and the coins and all the rest of his stuff and was the only one with a key to the house which was awful seeing as five other people, her own flesh and blood, were nearly positive she stole. Brad and I did manage to grab part of the hidden money, the most important of it anyway, that Dave had told us was our wedding gift without anyone noticing. We split up the coins that day (which took eight or so hours and we didn’t leave the house until like 1am) and went home early the net. Brad and I sulked around the house Sunday and Monday. We left on Tuesday and dropped our stuff off at his mom’s house and headed over to the funeral home. We got everything together and looked at the body ourselves and put up pictures and waited for people to show. We were there for a few hours saying hi to people who showed and taking in words of condolence. Brad and I decided not to bring Tasselin because she was so little and it didn’t seem appropriate. Kelly and Dawn both brought all their children and let them run amok in the building which pissed me off a bit. Dawn seemed to take this the absolute hardest. She was having trouble functioning like a normal human being and even as I’m writing this is still having issues. Her husband Chuck told us that she keeps having nightmares about the night he died and she still breaks down and cried most nights. He’s trying to be there for her but it’s really hard when she’s falling apart and there are kids to look after. The viewing was long and we held up well. At the end there was a speech given by a reverend from the area and even though he didn’t personally know Dave he did an amazing job. Brad and I both started tearing up a little when he started talking but calmed ourselves until Joe (Dave’s brother) got up and said a few words and we were both shedding a few tears. The ceremony ended. We stayed behind a little bit and then we left. The whole family went out to eat at a place I’ve never been to before. Brad and I each had one drink and dinner. We sat next to his cousin and talked until around midnight when everyone left and went back to his mom’s house. The next day we took both of Dave’s sisters as well a ourselves up to Brookville for the funeral. It was just us and Brad’s sisters (their husbands and kids) who went to this. We had to wait for Kelly because she’s late to everything. They lowered the casket into the grave, everyone threw in a flower, they buried it and put our arrangements on top. I got a couple nice pictures. Kelly gave Brad a picture of his great-grandma from the house. They left saying that they would call each other to set up a weekend to come back down and do more on the house. We dropped the sisters off and headed back home. It was a long week. Neither of us wanted to do anything and Brad was acting stronger than he needed to. He didn’t shed another tear after that day but I could tell he was hurting. Honestly I can’t say much either because I didn’t really cry over him. I was trying to be brave for him and I think he trying the same for me. Brad and his sisters made a pact that no one could go down to the house by themselves so nothing else would go missing. They eventually settled on going back down to do more on the weekend of June 27th. There’s not much that happened in June either to be honest. I tried keeping up with my schoolwork. We had Tasselin a couple weekends. My work got really stressful for a little bit as they were trying to push a lot of people through. Brad was having some trouble coping with going back to work the week after his dad’s funeral. He wasn’t bringing in his goal and he was getting mad as people very easily and he called off a couple times. His boss was told to sit down and talk to him by his boss. He told him he understood what was going on but that Brad also needed to understand that he was now being watched and should be careful. I told him he should have extended his leave of absence but he was worried about money. On the weekend of the 27th we had Tasselin. Her and I hung out at the house all day Friday. Because Brad needed to go down to New Castle on Saturday we all went as a family. I dropped Brad off at his dad’s house and Tasselin and I bought a few small toys and groceries and went to Anne’s house. She was actually surprisingly well behaved. We played with her toys and the cat while I talked to Anne. When she got tired of that we watched a couple movies and when she got tired of that she watched shows on her iPad. Brad came home late but apparently they got through a lot. There wasn’t much left to do in the house so they worked on the garage and Brad found some stuff to use for Distopia Rising (which is another LARP Phil convinced him to try). We all went to bed as soon as he got home. Tasselin cried because I only let her have her iPad for ten minutes but she quickly fell asleep. Brad quickly fell asleep as well. I was squashed in between them so I moved to the foot of the bed and slept there. We got up around 8am, hung out at the house for a little bit longer and then went to my parent’s house. We were supposed to stay for Chris’s birthday party but we were there until almost 5 and it hadn’t started yet. We were tired. So we went home. My mom was upset over that but I just hate hanging out at their house so much. And they never make Brad feel like part of the family so he hates it there too. Thursday the 2nd of July was my last day at Magee. I spent most of the week not actually being at work thanks to a few interviews. On my second to last day of work they threw a little going away party with food and they all got me a card. It was very sweet. They made me take the cake home though and I pawned it off to Shiloh. That weekend, this past weekend, Brad left with Phil on Friday to go to Distopia Rising and I was home all by myself. I watched some shows, drank some alcohol, put together a couple puzzles, played games on my phone, picked up the house a little bit and not much else. I talked a lot to Cam. Brad came home Sunday evening and told me about his weekend. That was only a couple days ago and I haven’t done much since. I did some laundry and the dishes and cleaned up a bit and that’s about it. Brad’s been working. and of course on his computer a lot. I think Tasselin is supposed to be here tonight, but I’m not sure. She’s at least supposed to be here this weekend which happens to be Brad’s drill weekend, but Sunday is Family Day so we’ve got that to look forward too. And that’s about it. That’s all the catching up to do, really.

Paying bills.

Paying bills sucks.

So does being broke.

And growing up.

Don’t grow up, kids. It’s no fun.

About Last Night

So after my three hour bath, I re-did my whiteboards which took me forty minutes or so (hey, I have three of them, highly detailed and color coated to keep me organized). When I was finally done and cleaning up Brad came upstairs to go to bed. I asked him if he wanted to have sex, bur he said he was too tired so I just cuddled up next to him as he fell asleep. To which he immediately rolled away.

And honestly, I was a little hurt. Not so much about the rolling away since he was asleep and that normal, but the no sex thing. I mean, me wanting to and him not wanting to is normal. But we haven’t seen each other for a week and we had sex ince, half asleep, and the time before was a couple days before he left and only because it was for my birthday and him leaving. (I mean come on, just a year ago we used to have sex at least three times a week and the year before that we used to have sex at least five times a week. What happened to that?!). And I shouldn’t be so uoset. But all I wanted to do this weekend was lay together in bed. Just cuddle. To be close. To be touching. To know he was real and safe and back and mine. But we didn’t. Because he didn’t want to. So I guess I wanted to be close in a different way. But he still didn’t want to. And he barely held me when he went to bed  and I felt unloved and lost and really alone.

It’s pathetic, I know.
And now today I’m grumpy and being a complete and total bitch.


Too many things happened this past month and I don’t have the energy to figure them out and split them up and write them out fully so I figured I’d just summarize and post together, because why not? It’s not like any of this is interesting anyway. But I’ll try to get better at this whole thing (eventually I’ll either mean it or it will actually happen).


Easter weekend we spent in New Castle (big shock, right?). We packed a bag and left after Brad got off work the Saturday before. We stopped by Wal-Mart to pick a few things, stopped by my mom’s house to pick Tasselin up, and ran off to Brad’s grandma’s house for Easter dinner. Tasselin even had her own chair this time. Brad’s mom was supposed to be on a flight, but she was sick so instead she joined us. She bought Tasselin an Easter basket, which she loved, and I let her pig out on some candy (after she at least had a little bit of food). I also found out I totally love the way they make deviled eggs (which is something I’ve hated all my life, so it was great). Tasselin had her iPad with her to help distract her while we talked, but eventually she got restless so we left. Brad just dropped us off because there isn’t really a place for him to sleep at my parent’s house (for multiple reasons including my parents still refuse to let us sleep in the same bed or room even though we’re engaged and because there’s a nurse over for the night so he can’t even sleep on the couch if he wanted to, which of course he didn’t) and ran off to his mom’s house for the night.

Tasselin and I slept in longer than anyone (although I was up half the night because she has Brad’s and my disposition to kick and wiggle and roll and whatnot through the night) so Brad waited until I texted him to come over. Tasselin and I ran around and found her Easter basket and went through it together. She was excited, I was less so. My mom filled the kids’ baskets full of religious candies (chocolate cross, candy crosses in a ‘holy’ egg, a Christian coloring book, etc). Anyway, after that we got dressed and Brad hung out with the dog. Tasselin and I drew some pictures together in between me helping my mom with the lunch while Brad played with the boys. After lunch my mom, Brad and I got the eggs gathered and put candy and money in them and then ran outside to hide them. Each kid had their name egg (with $3 and extra candy) and then 27 other eggs, with their name eggs being hidden the hardest. Chris found his 27 first, Tasselin second, Blake last. Tasselin found her name egg first (because the boys both found it first and kind of hinted her to it), Blake second, and Chris last (with some guidance because it took way too long). We stayed until about 6pm before we gathered our stuff and left. We tried to stop by Brad’s dad’s house to say Happy Easter and try to get his van back, but he was already asleep so we just headed home.

All in all it wasn’t the most awful. However, I definitely realized how different our families are (not that I didn’t know, but I realized in a different way). His family has accepted me from day one, telling me they were so glad I was with Brad and how much they loved me. They always include me in conversations and have continuously make me feel welcomed and invited and loved. My family on the other hand barely talks to Brad when he’s at their house (with the exception of my mom asking a couple questions, sometimes wildly inappropriate). They rarely include him unless I suggest it or do it myself and they have never really told us congratulations or how happy they were for us or that they loved him at all. And that is ridiculously sad in a way that absolutely breaks my heart and soul.

Tasselin’s Birthday and Getting Incredibly Drunk

So April 8th was Tasselin’s 4th birthday. I was home all day with not much to do, but I knew my mom was working and she would be at daycare so I waited until around 5 or 6 to call her. I told her Happy Birthday in which she excitedly told me that she was 4. I told her I knew that and that I was so excited for her and asked how her day was. She said good and then handed the phone off to my mom abruptly ending the call. I told my mom to tell her that I loved her and to tell her Happy Birthday again for me, and we hung up. After that I thought about Tasselin and her age and the way the years went by without her and about her birth and the fact that I wanted another kid so badly that I started bawling uncontrollably. And then I started drinking. Excessively. Brad was worried was about me, but didn’t say much about it. He let me know if I needed anything to holler for him or text him and he repeatedly came up to check on me. I don’t remember much of the night besides the crying, but I guess that’s what I get for the last couple years of not being with her. I hope eventually I’ll learn to forgive myself, but I feel that may still be a few years away.

My Birthday (Or Lack Thereof)

April 11th is of course my birthday. Brad had drill so we couldn’t do anything during the day and we didn’t really have any money so we maxed out our remaining non-maxed-out credit card to go out. We went to Barnes and Noble where we bought a DnD board game. We went to Red Robin where I drank two alcoholic beverages, got my burger and a sundae for free. Then we went to Half Priced Books where we bought a couple $1 mangas and a $5 computer game (which I finally played and liked). And that’s it. Nothing fancy. Nothing special. Nothing much. But what did I really expect? My birthday never turns out really well.

Tasselin’s Birthday Party

The day after my birthday my parents threw a birthday party for Tasselin, and well me. They invited the neighbors, including ones we had never met before. My mom had the audacity to text us and ask us if we decided not to show up while we were on our way there. All because Brad had drill, which she forgot, and we didn’t get there until 6pm. My dad grilled, Tasselin wouldn’t let me be for five seconds, and no one except my parents gave me even a birthday card. Tasselin had a few presents to open, all of which she loved. We didn’t bring any of ours though because we didn’t want to lug them there (and risk ripping the wrapping paper) and then lug them back home when she finished opening them so I told her she would get them (and her Easter basket) from our house the next time she stayed over. We didn’t stay long because we didn’t really want to and also because there wasn’t anything to do and also because Tasselin was getting really tired and therefore really grumpy and also because we still needed to drive all the way home and go to sleep to get ready for work the next day.

New Job!

I started my new job at UPMC. Really I spent my whole first day just trying to get things straightened out. They lost my badge, I didn’t park in the employee parking lot because I didn’t know there was one, I had to put in a request for a new badge and for a key to the office, I tried to learn some of the things that needed to be done around the office, etc. It was a very long day. And the second day was just as long, really. I was still trying to get the hang of everything and it was a ittle overwhelming. I never worked in a hospital before. And now I was an administrative assistant in the Med Staff Office in a big hospital. It was interesting at least. The other people in the office we nice enough and my manager seems pretty laid back and friendly so hopefully this will be a good job.

Brad’s Deployment

One of the things I hate the absolute most. When Brad has to go away on a deployment. This is technically the only one he’s scheduled for in this year, however he is a secondary for two others. It’s for one week (Saturday morning to Friday afternoon/evening) for his search and rescue training. And god do I have separation issues when it comes to these things. On the plus side it’s not as long as his military deployment to Hawaii (which was for a month) but still. It horribly sucked. Horribly. I never thought I’d be the kind of person that falls apart when their significant other is gone for a few days, but there I was: breaking down over the mere thought, losing myself in the depression that followed his absence, and terrified that he somehow wouldn’t return home.

Watching the Kids

So on the day Brad left for his deployment we got up at 5am so I could drop him off at the base. I wasn’t sure I could let him go, but of course I had to. After that I drove the hour to my parent’s house. They asked if I could watch the children for the weekend so they could get away and I agreed hoping it would take my mind off of Brad. My mom and I went grocery shopping after I got there to get some food while they were away (pizza, hot dogs and marshmallows). My parents left in the afternoon and I let the kids watch and play whatever they wanted. After we had lunch (the pizza) I took them to the park in Boardman to let off some steam and energy. We lasted about an hour and Tasselin crashed on the way back to the house. She didn’t want to get out of the car yet when we got home so I let her sit there while I took my laundry in and started. The boys played outside a lot that day. Eventually for dinner we made a fire and had hot dogs with marshmallows for snack. I let them each have as many marshmallows as they had hot dogs and all the kids ate pretty well. I had the boys take the dog in and out throughout the day and take their showers at night. Once the nurse arrived I made them all go to bed. Blake wasn’t happy about that but he listened. The nurse kept me up and talking for another hour which kind of pissed me off because I was tired as hell. Finally I went upstairs and went to bed in my parent’s bed. I texted Brad throughout the day even though he wasn’t able to respond and cried myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up earlier than I wanted to and let the nurse out. Blake was up and ate breakfast while I was on my phone. Chris got up shortly after that and so did Tasselin but she was still tired and just wanted me so I went back upstairs and took a two hour nap with her. When we got up the boys never let the dog out so I made them do that. We watched TV and played on our iPads/tablets/phones/Wii’s all day. I finished my laundry. The boys played outside. We had leftover pizza for lunch. My parents came home around two and I left around three. I put my clothes away when I got home and had oreo cookies for dinner. I watched Netflix and narrated my boring life for Brad’s phone via text messages and cried myself to sleep again. And then woke up because I have a hard time sleeping when Brad isn’t here, so I cuddled with his jacket and tried to will myself asleep.

Week of Work and Without Brad

And that’s how my week went. I tried to sleep, but didn’t really. I went to work and learned new things and suffered through it. I texted Brad a million times through the day and talked to him for a couple hours at night when he was allowed before we went to sleep and then texted him a million times after he went to bed. I didn’t eat right (cookies for dinner almost every night). I didn’t sleep much at all. Rinse and repeat every day of the week. I learned that my manager Tina is nice but scatter brained. I learned that Marcy has a really big mouth and talks all day and loves to keep talking. I learned that although Yvette is mostly nice she is also one of those shove-my-religion-down-your-throat type of born-again Christians that I can’t stand. I also learned that all of them hate their jobs to the degree that I did when I worked at Brightstar and I can’t help them as much as I would like to be able to. I also was reminded of the fact that I am a huge whimp and can’t be without Brad for more than just a work day.

Brad’s Return

Brad returned from his week away this Friday. I got off work at noon to surprise him at home (although it turns out I had misunderstood what time he was coming home and was there WAY too early, seeing as he didn’t get home until 6). I had to walk 25 minutes in my snow boots along a non-existent and very unsafe sidewalk where I nearly got hit by three different cars. I got home and cleaned up and waited around in a short shirt and a cami to tackle him the moment he walked through the door. Jared stopped by to yell at Brad to go to Quest, but I told of his deployment and he let it slide. We talked for about ten minutes before he had to get back to work. And finally  Brad showed up. I ran down the stairs and hugged him for a while, but he had to pee so I let him go. I followed him around like a lost puppy and couldn’t stop touching him (hugging him or holding his hand or arm, etc). Eventually we settled down a bit and he told me about his week. He actually had a lot of fun (which I slightly resented) and got a ton of compliments on his performance throughout the week. His colonel apparently loves him and talked to him about getting his next rank, which Brad has tried to do the last two drills but no one would help him. His colonel told him that this next drill if he still couldn’t get anyone to help him to come directly to him and he would take care of it. After we talked for a while we ordered food and he got on his computer for a while. After the food came we watched some TV and then a movie together and then he was so exhausted that we went to sleep. And then in the middle of the night I woke up to him wanting to have sex, so we did. Honestly it’s one of the best sex we ever had. It was so, I don’t know how to describe it, passionate and urgent? I think that’s the best I’ll get. The kissing was amazing and he was so into it that we didn’t even take off our underwear, he just moved them both aside and we did it like that. Wonderful, actually. And then we cuddled into sleep, which was the perfect way to end the night.

Saturday we just hung out at the house all day. I left the weekend plans up to him and he didnt’ really want to do anything so we didn’t. I brought my laptop downstairs and we played video games (not the same one) together. He took a bath and then we continued playing. We ate our leftovers from the night before while watching another movie. And then I watched TV upstairs while he watched stuff on his computer downstairs. Eventually he came up and we both went to sleep. Just a nice and relaxing day.

Today we didn’t do too much either. We hung out in the morning, I watched him play some games and we read a little bit of some new Pathfinder classes. We went to go see the movie Unfriended, which was good but I should have waited to watch it not in theaters because I’m not good with scary movies. Which means we ate popcorn and candy with some soda for lunch. We walked around the mall a little and Brad bought new headphones for his computer from Gamestop. Then we stopped by the ATM so we could get him some food money for work for the next two weeks and grabbed a couple groceries at Wal-Mart. After we came home he worked on some of his Pathfinder stuff while I went upstairs and ate some ice cream like a pig and watched some Netflix. Then I got into a depressive mood in which I worried about the bills and money and loathed my Facebook profile (and the magazines we saw at Wal-Mart) over people with babies. I don’t know why all of a sudden I have this horrible urge to want to have a baby, but this has been a month or so now I can’t seem to get over it. So I fell into a small depression and went downstairs to hug Brad. He then drew me a bath, which is where I’ve been for the last, oh I don’t know, three hours? Did a couple things online, watched a few episodes of Malcolm in the Middle on my phone, and have been writing this for god only knows how long. My feet are raisins, which I hate, but hey I got this all out so I guess that’s a plus. The water is freezing and I need to get out so I guess this is it.

Hopefully May comes along a lot better for us and I get over this baby craze. Wish us luck and good will and good things, okay? We always need it.


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