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Dr. Matta had put me on this new medication called Seroquil XR which helps Bipolar depression (and yes, they offically diagnosed me with Bipolar 1, yay me-sarcasm-). He gave me a starter pack he had in office to ease me into the medication and get me started. Well Saturday night I went to the pharmacy to get the refill and the lady at the counter asks if I had any secondary insurance. I’m a little confused, but I tell her not anymore, why? She looks me dead in the eye and says, well sweetie this medication is going to cost you $500 to pick up.

What. The. Fuck.

I swear my heart stopped for a minute and I couldn’t breathe. $500? Are you fucking kidding me?!

Of course I tell her thanks but I can’t afford to pick up the medicine because I don’t have that kind of money. Medication, that by the way, is literally keeping me alive. But do the pharmaceutical and insurance companies care? No, they don’t. Because apparently mental illnesses are still a terrible thing to talk about. They’re still stigmatized out the ass. Apparently people aren’t allowed to be sick in the head, a literal chemical imbalance that we can’t control and don’t want. Someone with a heart condition is not allowed to go without their medication because it’s keeping them alive. Why should something like this be any different? When I’m off medication I’m either so risky I’ll probably accidentally kill myself or I’m so depressed I will intentionally do so. Save me too.

There’s nothing I can do about it right now. I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday with Shelby and I guess I’ll ask her what we need to do. Either there’s a generic I can be put on that doesn’t cost much or we have to start over, again, and try something else that won’t kill me in costs and hope to god it works.

I literally can’t afford to be happy right now and that’s depressing as hell.

Visiting Shiloh

So last Sunday and Monday I went and spent some time with my little brother in Pittsburgh. He wanted me to come down and smoke because he thought it would help me. Apparently he’s been doing it for a while and he said he’s now a changed man. So Sunday I went down, made it there by like 11:30. Shiloh was sleeping so I hung out and eventually took a nap myself. He had to go to work so I hung out with his roommate Steve and his friend Alan. After he got home from work Alan, him, and I started smoking. I didn’t feel anything until the third time we did it close to 4am. We talked a lot. Alan and I played Rummy and I kicked his ass. We went to bed around 6am after seeing Steve off for work. I got up again around 11am and spent some time on my computer until the boys got up. We all hung out, I watched some Netflix and Alan played on the PS4 the new Final Fantasy game. I went to go take a nap and ended up crying for like two hours because I felt worse that day than I did the day before. I decided smoking wasn’t for me because I didn’t want to have to do it all the fucking time to feel anything and when it was out of my system I didn’t want the crash that went with it. Shiloh got called into work and I dropped him off. On the way back to their house I stopped and picked up some rum and got myself wasted pretty quickly. I ended up spilling my guts to Steve who told Shiloh I was breaking down who told Steve to take away my alcohol, which he did. I went to bed after probably scarring Steve with my stories, but he was nice enough to give me his number and tell me whenever I needed him to text. I had been talking to Brad the entire time too and venting and probably scarring him as well. I also ended up sending Cam- I forgot to mention we’ve been talking again for a while now and he’s yet another person I’m still in love with which if you’re counting brings the total up to three, but he’s a bit special because not only does he give me the attention Brad doesn’t like Tom there has always been the ‘what if’ factor with our past history and he loves me too- a message about how our conversations have grown stale and did he really want to talk to me anymore because I still loved him but if he didn’t want to talk to me I would respect that because I just wanted him to be happy. He of course in turn wrote back that he loved me very much and yes he wanted to talk to me and hopefully our relationship could grow back into a solid friendship. Anyway, Steve helped put me to bed and when Shiloh got home later he tried to convince me to come downstairs and smoke and party but I was out of it and told him maybe later. He didn’t push it.

I had to leave the next morning because I had a therapy appointment with Abby I couldn’t miss. So I bid Shiloh farewell and drove back and went to the appointment. Abby and I had the best talk we’ve had since I started seeing and I like her even more now.

The two days I was there were crazy but I think they helped. Just in a different way than Shiloh had hoped, but I’m okay with that.

Graduation

Hooray! I graduated from partial!

Working Girl

And I mean that title quite literally.

I started camming to make money. Not that that’s a terrible thing. It’s kind of fun and hopefully I make a decent amount of money. I do it solo and Brad and I have a couple account too. If anyone is interested in seeing we’re on Chaturbate. My solo is FallenAngelShi and our joint one is FallenSparrow13. I have a calendar up on my solo of days I’ll be on but you can follow me on Twitter at FallenVixen13 to keep up with the scheduled times.

But saying that, I’ve had a couple offers for more. You know what I mean. And at first I thought I would because the money is decent and why shouldn’t I? But then Tom reminded me not to let this new job get to me or degrade my ethics and I thought, holy shit, I don’t have any ethics/morals right now. I’m so in a state of depression that I’m literally throwing my ethics and morals out the window for a little bit of cash.

What the fuck.

Seriously. I should be better than this. What has happened to me?

I’m not gonna even go down that road.

What I am going to do is end this before it starts. I won’t be that person.

Failure

UGH.

I’m upset at myself. Truly.

So of course I’m terrible on my own and I need an escape from my house so I totally lied to my mom telling her that I went to Morgan’s house when I went and stayed with Brad three nights in a row. Because I suck at life apparently. Because I hate being by myself. Because I can’t stand my parent’s house. Because I don’t want to be alone. I mean, I love him, I do. But goddamn. I couldn’t even go a week without talking to him or seeing him. Jesus fuck.

I can’t stand it.

And of course it doesn’t help with the whole Tom thing. I can’t believe myself. I’m a terrible person, I know it. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t even know what to say.

I met this guy online whom I’ve been talking to for nearly a year. His name is Tom. He loves me he says. He’s twice my age. He lives in California. He wants to whisk me away there. He wants to protect me, to love me, to have me, to keep me safe. He’s stable. He has money. He’s mature. He’s not super cute but he’s definitely great with words. He calls me every day. He pays attention to me, unlike Brad. I told him I loved him back. I do love him. But I love Brad too and I don’t want to hurt him.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m seriously messed up, I swear.

Full Separation

Sooo.

As the title suggests Brad and I have entered into a full separation. It was completely my idea and of course when I said that I wanted to talk to him he automatically assumed that we were getting divorced. I don’t really want the relationship to end in divorce, honestly. But every time he asks me that all I can think is: why aren’t you fighting for me? Why are you giving me the option to leave? Do you not want the relationship to work out?

Anyway. I guess I realized one day that I just wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy at all. And I wanted to change that. So I decided maybe a full separation to work completely on myself would be good. I need to work on me so I can work on us. I need to make myself happy before I try to make him happy. Not that it’s my job to make him happy, but I’d like to attribute happiness to him. Ya know?