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Tattoo

My birthday present finally happened. I got my tattoo and I absolutely love it❤

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Dear diary,
You’re my best friend.

Seriously. Some days I really want to talk to someone about the things going on in my life but I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Brad knows but doesn’t like to talk, plus there are things I’ve been thinking lately I can’t talk to him about. Morgan knows some, but I feel like it’s too deep for the type of relationship we have going on. She’s probably not ready for all my crazy. And then there isn’t anybody else, really. Sarah from work, but she’s even further on the scale down from Morgan. So I guess I’ll just keep talking here. At least it makes me feel a little better

In Relation

to my last post I talked to my mother. She’s going to do permanent guardianship over Tasselin and raise her from now on. She has an appointment with a lawyer on Thursday to get the paperwork together for it. So I guess this is real. I’m (technically) not a mother anymore.

I want to give my daughter up. I don’t want to be in charge of another life right now. I’m not responsible enough or this. I can’t handle it. I can’t do it. I don’t want her. I want to give her up.

All the Feelings

I want a baby.

I know it’s weird and it’s unreasonable and it’s ‘not the right time’ and blah blah blah. But I can’t help it. I want one so badly I’m about five seconds away from stealing one.

I want a baby.

Brad doesn’t, ‘right now’ he says. I think he’s scared. I know he’s right about not being able to afford it, but I think we could make it work. He says maybe when I get better. Like that’s really a thing that might happen. I’m worried it won’t and we’ll never have a family.

I want a baby.
I need a baby.
I’m going crazy.

So you’ve heard about my life, now here’s a small update on just me.

●Finally got my wedding pictures bought thanks to tax returns. They’re gorgeous by the way. I made three photo albums of them: one for us and one for each of our parents. I also printed extras to hang around the house and anything left over will eventually be made into a scrapbook
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●I got my nose pierced. It’s not something I’ve always wanted to do (unlike a tattoo which I still haven’t gotten), but it was cheap and easy so I got it done. Right now I still have the starter stud which happens to be small and blue. It’s on my right nostril and I think I pull it off pretty nicely
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●I’ve dyed my hair twice since the new year: once to look like fire (didn’t quite turn out as planned unfortunately) and once to match an ocean scene (which turned out slightly better than planned)
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I’m, again, still recovering but I think this time I might be able to make it

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