The day Brad and I got engaged.
I asked him. He took about 45 minutes to answer, without letting me leave his side. But eventually he said yes. And now we have a wedding to plan.
The day Brad and I got engaged.
I asked him. He took about 45 minutes to answer, without letting me leave his side. But eventually he said yes. And now we have a wedding to plan.
The week before Thanksgiving I reapplied to a bunch of jobs throughout town and on Craigslist, Monster, and Indeed as well as searched and applied for new ones. The day after I applied I woke up to four missed calls and four emails about the positions I had applied to. I called and emailed them back quickly and ended up getting hired into a Medical Field Scanning Technician job (just a fancy title meaning I go to doctor’s offices and scan in medical records for a bigger company). I had to go to training for two days on the other side of Pittsburgh from 9 to 5 where they taught us about their company, what they do, how they got started, what we do, and how to use our equipment. Everyone left on Friday with their badges and equipment except me and two other people, who were all waiting on different things (one woman was waiting on her drug test results, I was waiting on my background check). The job is temporary, ending at the end of January, potentially mid-February. It doesn’t take a lot of knowledge or effort, really, but it does require a lot of attention, time, and travel. I’m just excited to have a job again and can’t wait to get started.
So after Brad finally put together his deck we took it to Mr. Nice Guys Wednesday Night Magic to play it out. It was long enough ago that I couldn’t really tell you what happened in the rounds, bit I do know that Brad came in second (only behind the guy he lost to two rounds earlier from a silly play mistake) and won twelve packs. His played well and beat out most every deck in the place and anyone willing to playtest. We were excited.
The upcoming weekend we took ourselves to Columbus Ohio were Star City was hosting an Open event. We got a nice hotel, close enough to walk to the convention center, for the night before and night of the tournament. We spent the night before watching movies, play testing his deck against proxies we brought with us, and eating pizza we ordered from a local shop. We went to bed at a decent time and woke up early enough to get showers and walk over by the time registration started. We met his friend Tim and Ray, who brought another friend who’s name escapes me, but they came too late to play test anything. Rounds started about on time with lots of hustle and bustle. I did my normal task of taking notes while Brad played. He stayed in for four rounds before he dropped. His decked fizzled, mostly flooding him with mana so he couldn’t win. After his third loss with no chance of prizing he decided enough was enough. Tim, Ray and their friend had all dropped too. I tried to stay positive for Brad the entire time, but losing weighed on him. It was still early in the day so all the guys decided to stay around and do side events. Brad entered into a standard win-a-box. He played two rounds, beat them both 2-0 because his deck is great when it runs properly, and drew in the final round (because the other guy asked nicely and even though he could totally take his deck he didn’t want to jinx his deck) and split the box straight down the middle. The guy he spilt with was very nice and excited just to have won that much. We saw him around a few times after that and nodded and waved. Brad entered into a eight man draft and lost in the first round to mana screw. It was getting late so we packed up our stuff, said goodbye to friends, and headed back to the hotel. We stopped in at the fancy restaurant attached, which was awful (the food was okay but there was basically no choice to the menu and the waitress didn’t come around often even though we were the only ones in her section). We went back to our room, watched some tv, had some very (very) hot hotel sex and called it a night. We slept in the next morning until it was just about time to leave and headed back home.
The following Wednesday we went back to Mr. Nice Guys with Brad’s deck again where he seriously smashed all other decks running and took first place winning a box. We went home giddy that night, opened half the box just to open them and made sealed decks to play.
Just goes to show you how much luck is involved in Magic. Even a great deck has bad days and no matter how hard you try, sometimes you just can’t win.
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So with the new set of Magic out, Brad has made his own deck. Entirely his own, which s something him and I are both very proud of because it’s the first deck he’s ever built himself. It’s very synergistic, meshes well, and has so far beat nearly every proxy deck 2-0 that are currently in. As follows:
We’re going to use it in a tournament over the weekend of November 8th and 9th. There’s a Star City Open in Columbus. And of course, as always, we plan on winning the whole thing.
November 1st was my parent’s anniversary and as my gift to my parents I told them I would come down and watch the children for the afternoon/evening so they could go out on a date.
Shiloh and I (Brad had to work) left our house around noon and got there before two. My parents decided that instead of me watching the kids and them leaving, they would stay and we would all hang out. This was due in part that they were excited to spend time with us (especially because I told my dad we would be spending the night) and in part because Callile was sicker than a dog (puking and everything) and they didn’t want to leave me alone with four kids and one being sick. So instead we watched the kids for about an hour while they ran out to Wal-Mart and picked up some dinner and snacks. They came back with three pizzas, cheese dip and tortillas chips, a bunch of sodas, and a few treats. Shiloh went to bed since he worked the night before and hadn’t slept. My parents and I took care of the kids, hung out, made the pizza for dinner, ate some chips. Shiloh woke up shortly after we all finished eating dinner. We all took to the living room and watched a Harry Potter movie while snacking on the floor. Around eleven my parents, Tasselin, and I went to bed. Shiloh stayed up all night. Chris made it to about 1am, Blake made it to 3am.
The next morning Shiloh went up and took a nap. My dad made eggs, sausage, and hashbrowns for breakfast. We didn’t stay there too much later that day. We left around noon and made it back home before two.
Everyone really seemed to enjoy their time hanging out. I know I did, but I think my dad enjoyed it the most. We’re hoping to something like that again soon-ish. After the holidays, since the holidays really are just like that.
It’s been a little over five months since my last real post on here and I feel like there’s a lot of catching up to do. Obviously there’s going to be things I forget because I have the memory of a goldfish most days, but I’ll try my best to hit the major points from then to now.
I used to have a list on a Word document called ‘things to write’ for when I didn’t have enough time at that moment to sit down and write it out but so that way I wouldn’t forget so easily and could write about it in the next day or so. I found that list (because it isn’t hard when you know exactly what you’re looking for) but it really only goes until June when I started not having the time for anything so I’m sure I’ll forget even more. But touching base on those things, here’s what’s happened to me recently:
If I recall correctly there was a Werewolf game we attended sometime at the beginning of May. It was a Moot, so a big party, being held at Jake’s house for his last game as the HST and the final chapter of the fight we were currently in. We got there around 5 or 6, spending the first couple hours just talking and eating and drinking a little. We eventually had to leave around three in the morning, with the game still going, because I believe Brad had drill coming up quickly and he wanted a nap. It was long and tiring and Brad loved it and I was bored (and got drunk just to have something to do), but it was nice to see everyone. Sometime in the next week Brad left on a deployment to, I’m not exactly sure but I think Harrisburg, for a week. Which is always sad because I don’t like sleeping by myself and I’m always afraid something bad will happen while he’s gone and he won’t make it back. During the time he was gone, I had Tasselin for the weekend (either Thursday or Friday until Sunday) during the weekend of Mother’s Day. We bought some poster board and paint and glitter and stickers and made our own cards for the women in our lives (Nancy and Diane and Grammy and Brad’s grandma and my mom and Brad’s mom). I drew out and colored the words ‘Happy Mother’s Day *whomever* Love, our names’ signing Brad’s name and helping Tasselin write hers. Tasselin put on the stickers and we painted her hand so she could put her handprints all over it and she picked out the color of the glitter for each one. We did our normal things, went to the mall and Wal-Mart and Barnes and Noble and hung out and watched Netflix in the living room. On Sunday, Mother’s Day, we drove down to New Castle for a party and delivered our cards. I left her there that night and drove back home for work the next day. During the time Brad was gone Shiloh introduced me to an anime movie called Wolf Children that made me cry multiple times throughout and for a good while once it was over, but I absolutely loved it. I watched it a few times before I gave it back to him and have put it at the top of my all time favorite movie list. I suggest everyone watch it, even those who aren’t into anime, because it’s just a wonderful story with lots of heart and soul. (I may actually have to watch it again today now that I’m talking about it). There wasn’t anything that happened really while Brad was gone and unlike some of his other deployments this one actually passed by quickly (and Julio of course kept me company again while he was gone [the fish I bought when Brad was on deployment for a month, for those of you who don’t know]). I have a note about Memorial Day weekend but for the life of me I cannot remember why that was important. I’m sure we went somewhere or did something, but apparently it wasn’t significant enough (or I’ve confused it with something else) so I’m moving on. At the end of May I did two very significant things for my life. The first one being that I called a lawyer. I called a lawyer in New Castle and went out to visit her about having a piece of paper signed and notarized giving my parents legal guardianship over Tasselin for the moment so that they could make medical decisions in an emergency and school decisions without me being around. Mostly just in case since she’s mostly with them. The lawyer was also supposed to track down he-who-I-don’t-like-naming (Tasselin’s biological father) and get him to relinquish his parental rights so that at the end of this school year when we shred the guardianship papers and take Tasselin on full-time Brad will be able to adopt her. I haven’t heard anything from them since May though about that so I should probably call them and find out. The second thing I did was decide that it was time to try to see a therapist. I found a place less than ten minutes from my house and scheduled my first therapy session at the beginning of June. This is probably the biggest step I have ever taken towards my mental health since I first realized I was crazy. So there’s that. And she’s really nice, so that helps. After that I know we had Tasselin for a weekend where we went to the Mills mall where we used to go to play Pathfinder, fell in love with a dog that we almost adopted except he was too expensive and even on their payment plan for a credit card and everything else we would have to use our rent money to pay for him and we just couldn’t do it. We had a bit of grief for a good week or two over him where Brad and I couldn’t even look at another dog without being sad and defeated. In mid June I was combing through Craigslist posts looking for a good daylight job (because even though the data entry job paid okay, the evenings just really weren’t working for me with not being able to see Brad very often or anything) when I happened upon a posting for Brightstar for an office job at their Mount Lebanon location. I emailed them, realizing it was going to Brandy, and wondered if they would be willing to take me back (stating I had finally moved back from Texas, blah blah blah). Vishal called me personally shortly after and convinced me to come down before work to interview. The interview consisted of walking through the door, hugging Patty Tanner and Uday’s wife whose name escapes me at the moment, and telling Vishal and Uday about how I’m back. They hired me immediately, wanting me basically to start yesterday. I told them I wanted to give a two weeks’ notice for my current job, they convinced me to do a one week notice (less than, it was Monday, wanted me to start next Monday) and told me they would see me soon. I gave my notice to Carol Harris and my supervisor at Keystone who was sad to see me go (Me and one other girl were their top girls). I started on Monday back as a Care Manager but starting wages at $13.50 /hr, even more than I was making when I left, with a week of vacation and paid holidays and stressing a little over daily/weekly open hours and the normal. I fell right back into the routine just with a couple new people (Alex and Char as Care Managers and Mary Anne the new Nursing Director and Joselyn as HR, the woman I trained for the position before I left). I learned after my first paycheck two weeks later it was actually a salaried position, not hourly like I was expecting, but it was still more money and I was so excited. Brad and I had all these new plans for our lives. We were finally going to catch up on our bills and start a real savings account, the dream of moving to Tennessee in two years was much more attainable and we could afford to send Tasselin to Kinder Care next year (the very top daycare/preschool in the entire area, and by default the most expensive). I wasn’t stressing as bad as I had done previously working with Brightstar since there were more people in the office, I was getting paid salary so we were all out the door at exactly 5:30p, I still hadn’t had the on-call phone, my therapy was working, and I was excited about the money. Plus I kept telling myself ‘this isn’t as bad as last year, I’m not working 90+ hours basically by myself, I’m not drowning’. I also came into Brightstar with a list of dates I needed off for previously planned vacations that they accepted so things weren’t looking too bad. At the end of June we had a party for Chris’s birthday and two of the neighbors anniversaries (Nancy and Larry, Mike and Ellen). We brought down cards for each of them, a present for Chris, my mom’s birthday present, and my dad’s Father’s Day present. We spent the day celebrating and dropped off Brad’s dad’s Father’s Day present as well as one to Jack (his grandma’s boyfriend) too. Over the weekend of the 4th of July, Brad and I took Tasselin and his dad and Lady (his dad’s dog) up to Brookville, PA to go visit his sisters. It was the first time I had ever met them in my life (even though Brad and I are going on four years of dating; though to his defense he doesn’t see them either and they live like three hours away). Now this weekend is sort of a blur since it happened a little while ago. I know I spent part of the trip pissed off at Brad because he’s kind of an idiot. Like the second day we were there and he left me alone with his sister and her family that I had literally just met the night before (only like two hours before we went to bed) and his other sister and her family who I hadn’t met until after he left. It was very awkward because we didn’t really know what to say to each other and Brad and his dad left with the husbands to go drinking and I was so infuriated I was seeing red. We went to a 4th of July parade, where Tasselin took a nap halfway through it and one of the older kids (like 13 I believe) helped her get some candy because she was younger than anyone else and wasn’t fast enough. All the kids (except their youngest who was the only boy and only a year older) shared with her. They were really a great family. After the parade we walked around to all the little shops and venders and had some dinner and waited for it to get dark and then watched the fireworks. Tasselin liked the colors but hated to noise, so she sat on my lap and I covered her ears for her and she watched. We eventually all went back and to bed. Sunday we went to a huge flea market that was like twice the size of the one we usually went to. We got lost in the middle of it and eventually found our way to a red barn they were at and ate lunch. We all went to a park where we took pictures and hiked and swam and that night they had a bonfire at the house. All the kids were inside playing, the house was very loud, and all the adults were outside drinking with the fire. I couldn’t leave Tasselin for more than five minutes before she would start freaking out and cry and come and find me so I mostly stayed inside the house with her playing with toys. I was pissed off that night too, at Brad and myself and Tasselin and the situation. Tasselin wanted to spend the night in the house with the other kids, but it was midnight and none of the children were winding down except her. She hadn’t had a nap that day and was overly tired and very (for a lack of a better word) bitchy and really just needed to sleep. The adults were all outside laughing and carrying on around the fire not caring about anybody else and talking about stories I wasn’t a part of. I was mad at myself for being mad at Tasselin when she was just tired and I was mad at Brad because he wasn’t even attempting to be any kind of responsible for her and therefore didn’t care that I wasn’t having fun because I was watching her and she didn’t want to be away from us. Sometime between midnight and one I finally got fed up with it and took Tasselin into the camper we were staying in and we went to bed. She fell asleep fast and I cried a bit. Sometime way later (around three in the morning) Brad had finally noticed we weren’t around and went to bed too, where he tried to be friendly and I almost spewed venom all over his face so we rolled over not facing each other and went to sleep. Monday morning we left, dropped his dad and Lady off, then Tasselin, then went home were we both basically went straight to bed from lack of sleep over the weekend. At the end of July we came down on a Saturday to celebrate Blake’s birthday with a water balloon toss, pinata, and cake.
Now, that’s all I had written down on my Word document, but that’s obviously not all that had happened. So I’m gathering my thoughts as I write this to finish figuring out everything else. Around the end of July beginning of August is when things starting turning a little sour at Brightstar. Now they started telling me over again that I would be running the office by my house. They were trying to find a new and better location in the Monroeville area and as soon as it gets set up I would be over there and in charge and Alex would be coming with me (since she also lived in that area). That was giving me some hope, but I was trying not to let that hope get the better of me in case it didn’t happen. I told myself the moment they told me that if I wasn’t in there by Brad’s birthday (since they were telling me it would be done by the first week of September) then I wasn’t hanging my hopes on it and I would find a new job. Now early July Char decided to put a notice in making her last day be somewhere at the end of July. We were all very sad to see her go because she was a hard worker and a good negotiator with our clients and employees alike. She gave them a month knowing how slow they are to find replacements, stating she gave her two weeks because she wanted to go back to school in Ohio. I’m sure that has truth in it, but we all knew it was because Brightstar likes to chew people up and spit them out and she had finally had enough. In mid-July the owners and Patty Tanner and had gotten into a very big argument over something very stupid and they made her life a living hell until she finally also had enough and put in her two weeks notice to end on the same date as Char. I was devastated seeing as she had been here so long and she was upset over the whole thing for the same reason. She had given them everything asking nothing in return and they couldn’t have cared less. So in those two weeks Patty trained me on how to do the payroll and billing aspects of Brightstar as I would be taking over that. Vishal gave me the higher clearances, Patty trained me on the basics, Vishal went over them with the both of us making sure everything was correct. Up until Patty put her two weeks in we hadn’t seen a single interview come through to replace Char. Now that two people were leaving and finally there was a slight panic. Brandy came down for almost a week to help Uday and Vishal interview people. They decided that even though two people were leaving, I was being semi-promoted to Patty’s position (not with the pay raise, only doing the payroll and billing and not having the title and still having to be a Care Manager) so they only needed to hire one person. On Patty and Char’s last week they decided on a guy (whom I’ve nearly come to hate so I honestly can’t remember his name, so we’ll call him Joe) who came and trained in Butler one day and with us two days. I finally had the on-call phone for the first time in my life and that damn fucking phone never stopped ringing. You have no fucking idea how goddamn frustrating that fucking phone is. I’m not kidding. Between Friday night and Saturday I probably fielded two to three hundred calls. Most of them were bullshit (asking about paychecks or clocking in two minutes late or wasn’t sure if they remembered to clock in or whatever) but I did have like four call offs or no shows I had to fix. By like four or five in the evening I had cried so much in between and during calls that my tears had dried up and I had started drinking. Sunday wasn’t as bad, there were only half as many calls but I drank all day that day too hoping to forget and make time go by faster. Joe’s first real day was the first week of August, with no Char and Patty. He was still new and learning and hadn’t quite gotten to the useful state yet so Alex and I were working our asses off trying to make it better. Now Brad and I had our yearly week at Gen Con planned so I was working even harder trying to make sure everything would be okay while I was gone as well. The horrible thing is, Alex had a vacation planned at the same time. Vishal said he would take care of it though, meaning someone from Butler, probably Brandy, would come up and help out. Between the two of us I believe there were only three days one of us wouldn’t be there (Thursday, Friday, Monday, if I remember correctly). Now the week before we were to leave they decided to fire Alex, on Tuesday I believe, because one of ours clients decided to leave Brightstar over the weekend while she had the on call phone and they decided it was her fault. It was rude and arrogant and Vishal stood by her desk while she angrily packed up her stuff and left. I was horrified. Now it was down to me and Joe for the schedule. No replacements to be seen and he was still trying to get the hang of it (it was only his second week!). Now I didn’t have time to answer his question because I was trying to do payroll and billing and answer phones and schedule and everything else. I tried to breathe. I took the phone for the entire week, weekend, and the following week until I left for vacation when poor Joe was left on his own (with Brandy, but with the on-call phone). Our week of vacation was okay. We went down the day early (Wednesday), hung out and relaxed in the hotel room getting pumped for the long weekend. We did our annual grocery shopping for our extended stay, went swimming and had fun. Day One (Thursday) we went down really early so we didn’t have to wait too long in line to pick up our tickets. We walked around the convention center trying to get a feel for it and played through our first couple games, so sweat. Day Two (Friday) we made it through our first game when Brad got a call from Brad Dovey. There was a deployment happening the following week they told him originally he was an alternate and wouldn’t be going, but Brad Dovey was calling to let him know that he had to go. I broke down in tears. I did not just escape work hell for Brad to leave me alone for another week of work hell. It would also mean having to leave vacation on Saturday to be at the airport Sunday instead of leaving on Monday like planned after everything and missing our most looked forward to game. After a discussion with Brad Dovey he ended the call trying to figure out if they could work something out for us. Brad and I went and returned our Sunday tickets and the next game ticket for that day. We went to go watch a movie at a nearby mall instead ( How to Train Your Dragon 2). Brad Dovey called us again later and said that he could come to base Monday instead of Sunday and he worked really hard on that so we thanked him (Brad told me that Brad Dovey told him he worked that hard for us because he liked us and because he was scared of me). We went back to the convention center later and played our last game for the night with our favorite DM and friend for the last year (the wonderful Keith) and had an amazing time. Day Three (Saturday) we played our games and finally made it down to the big room with all the for-sale things in it (there’s a better name for it, but I can’t remember). We walked around the maze of things looking at all the wonderful things we wanted to buy and even ran into the owners of Mr. Nice Guys at one of the booths. We wandered through the Magic tournament section and the games area and went back to Pathfinder. Last game of the night, the one we were most looking forward to, we found a group of people and stuck together until it was time to be seated. We got seated quickly and realized just as quickly this wasn’t going to go over well. Our DM spent the time he should have preparing talking about old TV shows he used to watch and the first part of our game we should have been playing preparing. With such a shitty DM we didn’t get anywhere in our playing (not that anyone would recognize our work anyway since he wasn’t reporting it either) and Brad and I were so disappointed. The group made the best of it by goofing off and joking around, even sticking around a little bit to talk after it was over. Day Four (Sunday) we gathered up our things and left, stopping at a mall on the way to do some shopping, and making it home in the evening. We got Brad packed up for the following morning and went to bed early, sulking. Day Five (Monday) Brad gave me a kiss when he left and I cried myself back to sleep. I spent the day texting him as much as I could, drinking the day away, watching Wolf Children again and all around being depressed. There were over a thousand emails through Brightstar while I was gone. Everything went to hell like it always does with Brightstar and Vishal had fucked up payroll so badly they had to hand deliver checks to people’s houses (because he did it so late none of it got direct deposited) and people were calling off because they didn’t have their money on time and needed to go to the bank and were pissed off. I came back that week for a week of hell trying to fix mistakes and cover shifts and cool people off. I had the on-call phone again and hated everything about my life. I was already looking for another job knowing this wasn’t going to last or work out. Brad came back that Saturday and I was in tears over the phone and everything in my life was stressed and falling apart, even the therapy wasn’t helping anymore. I got into a car accident on the last Friday of August and ended up with a pinched nerve in my neck and re-injuring my back. I had the on-call phone that weekend still because Vishal wouldn’t let me give it up and that was the moment I wanted to kill him. It was also the moment I decided I was done with Brightstar. It was just a job, it was just a paycheck, I’m only keeping it until I find a new one because obviously they don’t care. Eventually they hired a girl (whose name I also do not remember because I hadn’t known her long enough) who didn’t get barely any training because we were so busy. Joselyn found a new job and also quit Brightstar shortly after I came back. They did actually promote me to Director of Operations on the first of September that came with a raise of $15/hr. I was back to working 50 or 60 or 70 hours a week just trying to make sure payroll didn’t get fucked up and billing was correct and on time and phone calls were getting returned. Uday wanted me to stay away from scheduling and even answering a lot of the phones, but Vishal apparently thought I was Wonder Woman and had two heads and six arms because he kept pushing me to do everything all at once. They got into a couple fights over me. I had the on-call phone for three weeks straight so I could have three weekends without it and my god that was some kind of hellish torture that I wouldn’t ever wish on anyone, not even my worse enemy. On the first of my weekend off Cam (from Texas) was supposed to come visit but there was trouble with his flights so he called it off and I had my first weekend off in a month. Then Joe texts we wanting to give it up so I turned off my phone. Turns out his grandmother died, but I still wouldn’t have taken it. He was off for three days after that to go to Ohio for the funeral and whatnot. Monday I was staying late trying to catch up on payroll since I had spent the day helping out with the schedule without Joe (oh my fuck his name was Thomas) and the new girl was staying late trying to get the schedule for tomorrow figured out when Vishal comes in and asks who was taking the on call phone. I told him I didn’t know and he looked bewildered, like I should know the answer to everything. I had assumed since they figured it out over the weekend and knew he wasn’t going to be here for three days they had also figured out who was taking it for those three days. Apparently they didn’t. Vishal and I had a stare-off because I wasn’t going to offer to take it after I had just had it for three weeks straight. But the new girl (oh my goodness, I remembered her name was Courtney) piped up in the background and said she would take it. So they sorted it out and left. I continued working on payroll, her on the schedule, when out walks Uday. He plops his butt down next to Courtney and tells her since the schedule looks like shit he was going to authorize her some overtime so she could work on getting it under control. I gritted my teeth so hard I thought they would all break. Over the last month since I had been back from vacation I was putting in 50 or 60 or 70 hours+ of overtime weekly to get things done without any extra pay (just my 40 hours of salaried pay) or complaint and he was going to offer this brand new girl overtime? I was done for the day. He went back to his office and I left. Fuck that. Payroll would just be late because I wasn’t going to wear myself out for nothing if they were going to offer her extra. I went home (got there probably around 7ish) and relaxed for a little bit. I found my phone when I was getting ready for bed and noticed a missed call from Uday from almost an hour ago. I called him back. He was asking me how come the schedule looked so horrible and I told him I didn’t really know since I hadn’t been working on the schedule recently because I was always working on payroll and billing. He then went on to explain how I was slipping and that I needed to watch over Courtney and Thomas and make sure they were doing what they were supposed to (because you know I didn’t already have enough of my own work to do that I barely got done) and how it was my responsibility to watch over them and guide them and how I didn’t want to end up like Patty Tanner now did I (which was an insult coming from him because he didn’t like her). I gritted my teeth again and didn’t really say much and eventually we got off the phone. I was so pissed that I started crying. Brad tried to comfort me, but he didn’t know what to do and eventually we went to bed, early for me (9:30ish) for the first time in a month. Around eleven after I had already been asleep Vishal called me. I woke up and answered it and he was telling me about how they had all these open shifts for the week and so many for tomorrow and how they were morning shifts that needed covered and they didn’t know what to do. But there was this particular one, a private duty case who’s first shift was for tomorrow at like 7am, and they wanted me to go out there and start it because it was important and they wanted to make a good impression and I should stand up and help out this company and would I go. I hung up on him. Help this company? Really? Like I hadn’t already been doing that this entire time? Are you serious? I lost it. Completely. I went downstairs and I was pacing around and mumbling to myself and crying. I called my mom. I told her what had happened and how I hated everything and I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t go back. I really scared her because I had sort of composed myself right before I called and lost it completely on the first sentence, bawling my eyes out. She wanted to come down but she had all the kids, she didn’t want me to be alone she said, I tried to tell her I had Brad and Shiloh had walked through the door while I was losing it on the phone, but she wasn’t convinced. So I told her I would come up and we hung up. Shiloh came over after I hung up and gave me a hug and asked if I was okay. I was still crying but I told him it was about work and I would be. I woke Brad up and gave him a kiss and told him I was going to New Castle. I got dressed and drove down, my mom stayed up until I got there. We went to bed, her and Tasselin and I together in her bed and I turned my phone off. The three of us went to Boardman the next day, shopped around and took our time. I’m sure she only suggested it to get me out of the house to help me avoid thinking about it. Around noon I finally turned my phone back on. My phone doesn’t tell me when it’s off if I had any missed calls, only voicemails and texts. I had one text from Vishal, one text from Mary Anne, and no voicemails. I texted Mary Anne back because she just wanted to make sure I was okay. When we got back to my mom’s house I checked my email and learned at about 10am Vishal and Uday gave up on me and decided I had quit. They spent three hours (7am-10am) thinking I might come to work (Vishal had assumed that even though I hung up on him I would be at that case at 7am and when I wasn’t started calling me) and then decided I had quit. I laughed, mostly our of anger and also because I wasn’t surprised, that they didn’t even consider the fact that I may have gotten into a car accident or was laying dead in a ditch somewhere. Never even tried calling my emergency contacts or anything. I left it go, not knowing what to do about it. My mom had told me before we came back I should write an email explaining that I was quitting and why, but after seeing that email it wasn’t worth it. I left New Castle that night because I had an appointment with my therapist (Amy) the next day I didn’t want to miss. That was the week before Brad’s birthday so around the 16th of September. I felt bad for Courtney, leaving her all alone like that. But it’s not like Brightstar will ever change and I was silly to think it would. I know I should have handled it better but I basically had a small mental breakdown and didn’t know what to do. I decided to spend the time working on schoolwork since I hadn’t had the chance in so long. My mom tried to convince me to just move to Tennessee now (not that I needed convincing, I needed a change of scenery) but I couldn’t convince Brad (because he’s the stable and rational one) so we didn’t move. Although I did tag a bunch of different houses and apartments and jobs down there to consider. That weekend was Werewolf which we held at our house. Brad and I had bought a grill and hamburgers and hot dogs and I spent the morning baking cake, cupcakes, and slutty brownies (cookie mix on bottom, layer of Oreo cookies, layer of Reese’s cups, caramel brownie mix – so much chocolate it’s ridiculous, but very good) and we put the grill together when he came home from drill. After all the people started piling in I started feeling uneasy and went upstairs to hide. I didn’t play at all and instead went to bed early (but was woken up may times from their rowdiness). Brad came to bed sometime later and went to drill the next morning. On the day of his birthday I ran out to the Dollar Tree and Wal-Mart and picked up some cheap decorations to decorate the house. When we came home from work he opened his presents and then we went to draft for the new Magic release that night. I lost first round, he lost third round. He picked up his, Shiloh’s, and Alan’s boxes. We went and watched Box Trolls and Dracula and then came home and opened a few of his packs. The following weekend Mr. Nice Guys had a PTQ on Saturday. He had to work but got off in just enough time to make it there. I stopped by after he was there to watch and support and bring him food and drink. He didn’t make it very far before he dropped out though. He ended up getting sick later that night (from getting caught in the rain Friday and that day) which he eventually passed on to me on Monday. I went down to New Castle two days to scrap my parent’s basement but didn’t get very far because my mom and Tasselin distracted me. That Saturday, October 11th, I went down to New Castle and stayed for a week. My parents had a vacation planned and since I wasn’t working I watched the kids (Blake, Chris, and Tasselin) for the week while they were gone. We spent Sunday (when my parents actually left) in Pittsburgh hanging out and then stayed up late; we spent Monday hanging out at the house (they didn’t have school for Columbus day); Tuesday all three kids had school and I rested up while they were gone; Wednesday the boys had school but Tasselin and I spent the day hanging out and running errands; Thursday all the kids had school again and I drew a picture for DeviantART; Friday after all the kids came home from school we went to the park to play and take pictures, picked up soda and pizza and moves from the Red Box, came home and ate and stayed up late watching movies; Saturday we watched the movie we didn’t get to see the night before and I made sure they house was mostly cleaned up so when my parents came home around 2 it wasn’t a big deal. My mom sat down and talked to me about moving back in (dad’s wishes) which I declined and about the plans for the future and whatnot. My dad kept trying to convince me to stay and to move in. I eventually left around five, getting home after six and Brad was gone off to Werewolf. I watched Criminal Minds and was just all around glad to be back home (three rowdy kids for a week was a little too much). I stayed up until right before Brad came home, but he woke me up when he got there. We had sex for the first time in over a week and slept in until noon. We mostly stayed in bed all day, watching shows and playing video games and playing on the computer, until nightfall where we had sex again and went to bed early. That Monday afternoon my mom called and said Tasselin was sicker than a dog, throwing up and not eating and she had to work the next day and wanted to know if I would come down and watch her since she couldn’t go to school. So Tuesday morning I got up before 4am and drove down there. The kids were all up when I got there so I couldn’t go back to sleep. Tasselin was much better, even eating and keeping things down, and she couldn’t wait for me to leave (that made two of us).
Now it’s a week later and nothing else has really happened. Brad had drill last weekend and I had Tasselin. We spent Sunday going to Brad’s grandma’s house and his dad’s house and my parent’s house. Two days ago I spent the entire day drinking and ended up cutting my wrists pretty badly (first time for wrists, I’m usually a leg girl). Yesterday I was feeling a lot better (hence my last post) and spent the day researching Hinduism (and will spend the rest of the week and next week researching other religions so I can take my favorite parts and mash them together for what I believe in). It literally took me the entire day because I hand copied everything into a notebook while watching Criminal Minds. Lately I had been feeling useless because I didn’t have a job (still don’t) and hadn’t been looking for one in weeks and mad at myself because I didn’t want a job and I haven’t been working on schoolwork in weeks either which is what this time was to be used for. I didn’t really want to watch the kids and couldn’t wait to get rid of them when I was. Same thing with having Tasselin last weekend. Which made me feel like a horrible human being and a god awful mother. So I guess the drinking was to forget and the cutting was to punish and now that I feel almost lucky to be alive I’m feeling better. Tomorrow is Halloween and trick-or-treating here so we’ll pass out candy and probably watch scary movies on Netflix. Saturday Shiloh, Brad (if he’s not working) and I will go to New Castle and watch the kids (Blake, Chris, Tasselin and Callie) while my parents go out for their anniversary (our gift to them) and we will have a sleepover with them that my mom is insanely excited about. She wants to rent Redbox movies and get some soda and candy and stuff while they’re out and my dad might grill Sunday for lunch. I’m kind of excited too. Brad found out today too that this will be his last week of work so he’ll be off starting next week until next year, so we’ll have plenty of time to spend together. I’ll finish going through my religions within the next week and mesh them together (I’ll let you guys know the final determination!) and will move on to restart my schoolwork back up. Next weekend Brad has a Magic tournament we’re going to in Columbus, OH (with two days in a hotel and everything) and later in November we have a vacation to Texas with my mom planned for Thanksgiving so hopefully things will keep looking up from here and we should have a lot of fun~
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