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I don’t know how many times I’m going to make a post like this one where I’m so far behind in everything (including life in general) and haven’t (and may not ever) get around to posting what I want. Maybe if I’m feeling up to it and don’t have a million things to do I’ll get a couple things up tomorrow. I know I have at least twenty things written down that I wanted to get out on here. But it’s been so long I’m starting to forget exactly what I wanted to say. Wish me some luck guys, I’ll get to it eventually.

Ha.

And I thought I was having a bad day on Sunday..

If the last one was one for the books then this one is one that should be up for an award. Yes. I do believe it was literally that terrible of a day. Geez.

It started out with me still silently freaking about spending some time with my mother. Brad and I get to the mall, we get down to the food court, and we meet my mom by the corner store. She buys us pretzels for brunch and we sit down and have a decently nice chat. She literally just wanted to see me and talk a little bit so my nerves calmed down pretty fast. We chatted for a while and then we helped pick out some new summer clothes for Tasselin and off we went our separate ways.

So we drive over to the Goodyear place and drop off the car for inspection. They let us know it’ll be another hour and a half before it;s ready so we wander around a few stores looking at whatever and I pick up two applications from places that are hiring (Rue 21 and Bath and Body Works). After about an hour and fifteen minutes we walk back over to Goodyear to wait for the car. But as soon as we walked in the lady behind the counter let us know that the car was actually already done with the inspection. Cool. Great timing. She then proceeds to let us know it didn’t pass. Now that, I was actually prepared for. I knew one of the headlights were out and I’d probably need new brake pads. So she lets us know that it failed because one of the headlights was out, I needed new brake pads, and three of my tires were too worn out to pass (the fourth one being newer because of that time it went flat and Brad helped me buy a new tire). Brad had brought this potential tire situation up while we were out at the mall, but even so I figured I should still only be paying $400 and could at least still pay two of the utilities so nothing got turned off and the rent could hold off until Shiloh’s first paycheck from Sheetz (and he gives us the nearly $400 he owes us) and Brad’s military pay (which should come around the same time). The lady behind the counter then informed us it would cost nearly $800 to fix everything. I stopped breathing and tears welled up in my eyes. $800?! That’s our rent payment. We wouldn’t be able to make any payments this month until the end and then we’d always be a month or so behind. Brad asked if those were the cheapest tires. I put myself back together while she looked into it. She said they were in fact the cheapest, they were even on sale. I lost my breath again. Fortunately Brad asked about a military discount which they do have (still ended up being a little over $700). Then she told us about paying for it with their credit card. I knew it wouldn’t work but I tried it anyway. It didn’t work. So we told her to go ahead and get it done because I needed my car to pass. She got everything started. Brad and I sat down in their ‘waiting room’. I had a panic attack. Brad called his dad who agreed to help us. If we came down as soon as we were done he would get us $800 to help us out. Brad texted his mom also who agreed to help co-sign a loan so maybe we could finish paying the bills. So we waited until the car was fixed, paid the lady with our rent money, and left.

We stopped by at home real fast to grab something to drink along the way as well as grab our tin full of coins to turn in and Brad’s emergency $50 bill (he said if this wasn’t an emergency he didn’t know what was). So we our long way down to New Castle. We went with Brad’s mom to the bank first and got all the information together for the loan. Then we went to Brad’s dad’s house and talked with him for a couple hours. He gave us $500 in cash there, then we took him to the ATM where he gave us the other $300, and then he took us out to eat at Bob Evans. We dropped him off at home and went along to Brad’s grandmother’s house to see them for a bit. We didn’t stay long since it was already after nine when we got there. I think Brad’s mom was disappointed we didn’t stay there with her for the night. But we gave our hugs and said our goodbyes and left for home. We got back right around midnight and basically went straight to bed.

I guess maybe the day itself wasn’t the worst part. Really just the time we spent between learning how much it going to cost us and the time Brad thought to ask his dad for money was the worst. I had a panic attack for a good thirty minutes, barely able to breathe, and nearly cried in public before six or seven people. Brad was outright disappointed as well. I’m not exactly sure what was gong through his head but he looked like he might cry (or even kill over dead) at one point in time. It was awful.

We’re still not doing well. I mean, we paid half the internet bill so it wouldn’t get turned off and we sent out the rent check, but that’s literally all we can do right now. We’re not able to pay the gas or electricity (except hopefully the small portion we’re suppose to pay to not get it turned off) or the water bill or the other half of the internet bill. And those tickets we got? We still have to send them two checks (one for each) of the total due (around $210 together) as collateral for pleading not guilty to show up to court. We’re not sure how well that’s going to go over. But we’re still trying to sell shit around the house and I’ve been applying to everything I can get my hands on and we’re still looking for a new roommate. I even signed up on a website to potentially be a gestational carrier because we’re getting to the point where we’re actually that desperate.

Guys, cross your fingers for us. We’re going to need your strength to help us through because we’re not doing so well.

Oh, god, guys..

This has been a days for the book. The day itself started out perfectly fine. Brad and I got up early (Brad because he had drill and me because I might as well). I was on the computer most of the day. Checked my email, pissed around on Facebook, scrolled through everything on Reddit, checked cool stuff out on DeviantArt, looked around and applied for jobs on Monster and Craigslist, caught up on my writing here and looked over some reading stuff for college. Our new roomie, Victoria, moved her stuff in this morning and ran off for the day. Shiloh and I hung out, watched Malcolm in the Middle, ate mac and cheese, and played Go Fish.

Around maybe noon my mom texted me. She wanted to know if I was available on Monday to have brunch with her. Now something in the way she phrased it made my stomach churn. I started to feel like a little kid in trouble. I told her about my inspection and she asked me to meet her at the food court in the mall around ten thirty. I agreed because I guess I should, right? And then I made Brad promise to come with me because for some reason I couldn’t stop panicking. Right before Shiloh left for work (and right before he distracted me with playing Go Fish) I told him about the sickening feeling I had because of our mother. He told me he thinks he knows what it’s about. He didn’t really want to say anything, but eventually (after promising not to shoot the messenger and not to be mad at them in front of him) he spilled the beans. He my mother was going to talk to me about getting legal guardianship over, or more liking just straight up adopting, Tasselin. -insert heart stopping here-. He said she phrased it like “I didn’t really have a choice because I haven’t been around for her”. -insert heart breaking here-. I put it out of my head.

After Shiloh left for work and Brad came home I told him what Shiloh had said. And then I broke down crying. Legal guardianship? I can see that. They probably should have it since they’re taking care of her (in case anything happens so they can make medical decisions). But adopting?! That’s seems so far left field! Why would they want to do that to us?! Brad tried to settle me down by telling me about his mom (I’d heard it before, his mom was adopted by her grandmother and raised as her mother’s sister but now his mom and her mom have a great relationship). But I don’t understand. I don’t think I could do it. I couldn’t look at her every Christmas and birthday and family event and pretend she’s just my sister. And then what? When she turns 18 my mom will just tell her it was all a lie but I was too awful of a mother to care for her so it had to be done? My parents did a shitty job of raising my brother and I, and although my dad seems to be doing better he’s never home and my mother is doing worse! I can’t do it. I just can’t. If she wants the legal guardianship, I’ll agree. If she wants to adopt I’ll probably throw a hissy fit in the mall like a two year old and storm out while refusing.

I’ve been crying off and on for the last five hours since I heard the information. Brad’s mostly leaving me alone because he doesn’t know what to say. I guess I understand.. I guess I just wish he’d hold me for a little bit.. I tried to post a thread on Reddit to see if anyone would be willing to talk to me for a little bit but I didn’t get any responses. Now I’m just dreading Monday coming along and drinking to stop thinking…

In the attempt to make some more money and not be so broke, I am now on Fiverr. Is case anyone is interested: http://www.fiverr.com/weranawaytoday

After Brad and I came home from being pulled over and I had my little mental breakdown in the bathroom because it’s my fault and I felt guilty and had more things to worry about, we started drinking. We made it completely through the sixth movie (first time we actually made it through one of those movies) and were both pretty drunk. Brad and I fooled around a little bit on the couch and then I chased him up the stairs and we had sex in our room. Brad attempted to sober up after that seeing as he had a make-up drill day to attend in the morning but I kept on chugging right along (mostly because there’s really nothing better to do and I’m tired of worrying). So I drank to forget. Or at least I tried.

Unfortunately, I ended up having a bigger mental breakdown. A couple hours into me drinking extra hard, Brad mostly sobered up. He came and sat with me on the couch to watch That 70′s Show while we ate dinner. And we got to talking. And I broke down crying all over him because I didn’t think he’d love Tasselin as much as any kid he himself had and did he really love her now? I made him swear and pinky swear while I cried and snotted all over him. It was terrible. This was beyond being drunk, this was me bearing a part of my soul. But Brad is amazing and he calmed me down and let me cry and played with my hair. After a while we heard the door open (Shiloh coming home from work) so I quickly got up and went to the bathroom so he didn’t see me. And after that I went to bed.

I feel kind of bad that I had that kind of mental breakdown on Brad. And I feel a little guilty that I didn’t trust in Brad enough to know that he loves Tasselin. But maybe this is a good thing, huh?

So the other day we left the house to pick up some more alcohol so we could continue our Harry Potter drinking game (we’re on the sixth movie). On our way home, pulling onto the street before ours, out of the blue we get pulled over. I’m already panicking. The cop comes to the window, asks for Brad’s license (unfortunately he was driving) and the registration and insurance. He takes Brad’s license while I’m digging through my glovebox for the registration. He asks why my car isn’t inspected. I tell him that I’m unemployed and have been and that I didn’t have the money to do so. I let him know I (my parents) just switched car insurance, I don’t have a hard copy of it, but I did have it online. So he tells me to bring it up and have Brad wave it out the window when I find it and he goes back to his car. I pull it up. Brad waves it out the window. I’m still trying to find the registration. Cop barely glances at the insurance and says fine. Asks Brad why his license isn’t updated with our new address. Gives him a terribly stern warning. Find the registration and give it to him. Barely glaces and walks away. Takes forever. Brad and I are sitting there and I’m on the verge of tears (I know this was going to happen one day. My car was three months passed due, but with moving and the holidays and no job I haven’t gotten around to it nor do I have the money for it). He finally comes back. Warns Brad again to change the address on his driver’s license. He hands us two tickets (totaling $210 or so with, unfortunately, Brad’s name on them), tells us to get the damn car inspected and an emissions test done on it, send proof to them, plead not guilty and the judge will probably take a little bit of mercy on us. We let him go ahead. I don’t want to talk about it. We get home. Some nice guy pulls up beside us and asks if the cop pulled us over for speeding because he was following us the whole way and he’s totally vouch for us. Told him thank you because that’s so very kind (especially of a stranger) but my needed inspection. He told us sorry and good luck and drove away. As soon as we got inside I went to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out for a minute. When I was done, I came out into the living and started pounding down the alcohol. I needed to forget.

I know it’s really just my fault. I know my car should have been inspected months ago. But when it needed inspected it was Thanksgiving. And then it was Christmas. I wasn’t working at Brightstar anymore, I was trying to be there for Tasselin. And then the store closed and I never thought about it. I had better things to do with my money (like rent and utilities and groceries). And I know, maybe I should have spent that Valentine’s hotel money on my car. But that wasn’t what I was thinking about. I was thinking about trying to escape the terrible things that had been happening to us lately. I know. It’s my fault. I feel the worst for Brad because the tickets are in his name because he was driving. I feel so bad about that, it’s not even funny. I’m so sorry. Really, I am.

I made an appointment for my car to get inspected and have an emission test done on Monday (the third). It’s the earliest I could get since Brad had drill this weekend and wouldn’t be home in time to do it. I don’t know how those tickets work though. I have to reread them. I’m just hoping if we’re pleading not guilty (and hopefully the judge has a heart and let’s us go with a small slap on the wrist that isn’t money) we don’t have to pay the $210 or so that tickets require us pay. We just can’t afford that. We can’t. Even with a new roommate we barely have the money for rent, no utilities again, and Brad and I still don’t have jobs (although Brad is waiting on a call from Scott’s so I guess we’ll see).

Just when things were looking up, guys..

Guess what, guys? I’m going to college! (Again).

On the 26th I signed up with Penn Foster (again) to study Medical Coding and Billing (again). I’m definitely, absolutely, with a doubt going to graduate! Brad signed up for college, too. Well, he was too chicken to call them (we needed to know whether or not they would accept his GI Bill and how to go about doing that) so technically I signed him up for college. But he was totally on board for it. He’s getting his bachelor’s degree in criminal justice. He’s not as excited as I am, but he’s pretty damn excited too. We’ve agreed (pinky swore even!) that we would kick each other’s asses and make sure we both get this done. Penn Foster will accept his GI Bill, we just had to talk to someone from that department and send them a copy of the statement. Brad has to pay for it upfront, but then the GI Bill pays him back for it. So, essentially, he’s going to school for free.

A I know, I know. I tried this once before a few years back. But that was a darker time than this is now (I believe) and I didn’t have Brad and I didn’t have this much determination. I will get through this. I will graduate. I will find a wonderful great job using this skill. I will prevail.

Wish us luck guys! School is going to be great!

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